Truth And A Grace Filled Uncoupling

I’m gonna say this one more time, really loud for the people in the back. And mostly for me, who stubbornly needs to be reminded. 

                                                     Trust. Yourself. 

There is no truth in the world like the truth inside of you. Nothing else will ever be more true, more accurate than that. Nothing else will guide you back to self more than that. Truth doesn’t have to be loud to be real, in fact, truth comes quietly, with a Knowing, with consistency, with a breath of fresh air kind of calm. Truth is not some chaotic trumpet blaring but the quiet recesses of our soul churning for change. It’s literally craving, waiting, yearning for your attention so it can help you navigate through your life. I’m also going to say that it’s really hard. Because it asks you to have courage, step away from your comfort zone, and oftentimes let go of things, ideas and people you love. AND it’s worth practicing and practicing and practicing, pain and all, until you become skilled at it because your truth wants nothing more than to be heard and honored so it can guide you to the meaning, purpose and fulfillment you seek. 

I recently had to face the man that I love more than anything in this world, a man I’ve shared an epic romance with, a man who has brought me undeniable joy, ease and light and tell him that the nature of our relationship was not working for me and I needed to make a change. A dramatic one. That was the truth in my gut that I did not want to give a voice to. As much as I believe in following my intuition and know it’s right, I had a very difficult time wanting to know this. I sifted through these subtle voices for months, seeking clarity to make sure that the emotional toll of quarantine, my extreme work schedule and other factors weren’t affecting my judgement. I realigned every aspect of my life to gain balance. This conversation was a necessary part of that even though it hurt my heart tremendously. More than I could ever give words to. I will tell you that the truth doesn’t come with a road map, your next step or any kind of security. It’s fucking scary and uncertain. It just plops down and stays until you take heed with blind trust and it is only after you have the hard conversation, after you say the words that stick in your throat and are painful to hear, after you put yourself out on an emotional limb with no idea of the outcome, that the peace of your decision sinks into you. Still hard, yes, still sad, yes, still painful, absolutely yes. And there’s also this, that when you make a decision from your truth it settles into your being without chaos, without second guessing, without doubt in the aftermath. This is what will get you through.

I won’t share the details of why this amazing man and I are transitioning into a different kind of relationship but I will say this, it’s not your traditional breakup. Those words are appropriate in many cases, but ring with toxicity and taste bitter in my mouth for us. We didn’t break. Nothing burned out between us, we didn’t stop caring about each other, our passion didn’t fade and we still love and respect one another. We simply discovered that being live-in partners in a long term committed relationship was asking more of us than we could give and recognized some things that couldn’t be resolved because we were each in very specific and different places. No right or wrong, blame or anger. I know this with certainty, that you can have something rare and wonderful, unique and glorious and still have an obstacle between you that’s invasive enough to make you reassess and seek perspective. 

Most of us are simply too paralyzed by fear to step away from something beautiful and free fall into the unknown. I sure was. However, the majority of our distress, anxiety and pain in life and romance stems from trying to force things that shouldn’t be or existing within expectations that don’t meet our situation while trying to live someone else’s idea of what ‘good enough’ looks like. Turns out that Tommy was feeling the same as I was and couldn’t give it a voice. The only reason I said it first was because I had the skill set and he didn’t. That’s all. Once we had the conversation and moved through the shock and hurt we realized it was mutual. Bittersweet, a bit tragic even, but yes, mutual and the right thing for us. He said I actually saved our relationship by taking a reflective look and giving us both an opportunity to view ourselves honestly. It opened a door for growth. 

Tommy and I spent two weeks in a deep state of awareness, grace and introspection, quietly nurturing each other during our grief of letting go and in that time we shared our emotions with complete transparency, something he had had difficulty doing under the pressure of an actual relationship. Because we are dear friends at our core, we have been doing some incredible healing and growing together through this passage from being exclusive romantic partners into whatever we’re going to be next. We’re not sure what that looks like and we are taking it moment to moment with unabashed honesty. When we first began to recreate and redefine our union, one of the things we absolutely knew was that we wanted to remain present in each other’s lives. We enjoy each other’s company too much not to, and the ease and natural connection between us remains with no awkwardness or strain. We also understand one of the greatest gifts we received from this conversion was learning to talk about the things that people don’t talk about. We’re coming to terms with some insights we’ve gleaned about ourselves, like maybe we weren’t what we thought we were individually when we were a couple. Maybe our skills didn’t match our desire to cohabitate. There’s power in acknowledging what you can and can’t bring to the table during specific seasons of your life. 

Because we do get asked, I wanted an answer that felt authentic for what we’re doing. For me, the most resonating and descriptive term is Conscious Uncoupling, which many first heard from Gwyneth Paltrow several years ago. She was mocked fiercely because people rail against what they cannot comprehend. As a society we’re much more comfortable with toxic terms like breakups, divorce, ghosting and exes. The phrase has actually been around since the 1940’s and requires a deep level of self-awareness and owning the things that you can work on to bring forth a more amicable resolution outside of a partnership. It’s seeing your partner as a teacher and thus understanding that the relationship didn’t fail, so much as invite you to grow. You can only do that with someone who’s not abusive or narcissistic. We came to realize just how important our time together has been in teaching us how to love openly, to show our vulnerabilities by revealing emotional layers, and because we are being so forthcoming we are determining what we want our existing connection to look like and how that will manifest. This has been so healthy for me, allowing me to remain in my truth through every interaction since we separated.

I know this will make some people uncomfortable, confused even, it may be misunderstood, questioned and viewed as unorthodox because it is. We’re trying to navigate how to have an ongoing relationship that doesn’t involve a commitment or a future and honors all the beautiful things we are. It feels more right then never seeing each other again. We’re both adults and realize that there are many ways this could turn out so the only thing we can do is be clear with each other at every moment and do what feels right and comfortable for us. If that shifts then it’s time to transition again. We’ll explore the unthinkable in an uncommon way and see if we can do it without splintering. And while we don’t need people to understand, the purpose of me sharing this is so you know that the only right way to do anything is by doing what’s right for you. And how do you know what that is? 

                                  Follow Your Truth Every Time.

I understand that our love has been a beacon of hope for many and I so want that to remain. Don’t be sad for us, lose your faith in the power of love or your ability to find it. We’ve shared this epic love story and that didn’t go anywhere. Love is still very much alive in us, between us, in the world and especially in you. Our capacity to love is still very much intact and just because we discovered that some of the things we were living weren’t a fit for us as a couple doesn’t mean that all things beautiful aren’t possible. We have enjoyed an extraordinary experience and would choose this all again. Even with the heartache. We’re so fortunate. Loving this man has opened me in ways I never thought possible and actually didn’t even know existed. Now that I know, it expands my world, not makes it smaller. Perhaps, that’s really what love is for.