Valuing Vulnerability
We’ve all felt it, that emotional cringe when we realize we’ve exhausted all our own resources and someone else has to step in and help us. And if it’s long-term or ongoing assistance it’s especially difficult. Somewhere along the line we got the idea that accepting help from people makes us weak or less than. Why? When did that happen? Who taught us that people who want to offer what they have to bring us ease is something we should feel guilty about? I think it’s normal to feel vulnerable when we’re in a position to receive help instead of giving it, especially if we have always been strong, capable and available to reach out. And here’s something amazing I’ve discovered, that being strong and capable and accepting help are not mutually exclusive. The practice I am learning is that for everything I cannot do for myself there is something else that I have to offer that has a value all its own.
To our detriment we’ve given vulnerability a bad rap by associating it with frailty and weakness, and making that an undesirable quality. In sports or business for example, having a susceptible position where the opposition can defeat us is a concern. Emotional vulnerability however, is the gateway to all intimacy in any relationship and especially with ourselves. It is the common bond that reveals our humanness and connects us. Through it, we develop a deeper understanding that draws us closer as we listen and learn from one another. When we mask our continued pain, exhaustion, grief or inability to cope we experience emotional burnout and risk the instability of poor mental health. Courage and resilience is forged by sharing our challenges out loud with someone who loves us and is willing to lighten our load. It helps us develop a sense of mindfulness and creates a safe environment for us to accept and honor all of our emotions and experiences without judgement, without armor. As we love ourselves more fully we are able to offer compassion to others. Brene Brown, an accomplished researcher and famous author has been front and center at changing the way we view all types of vulnerability and what it means for us…
“Vulnerability is uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure. Vulnerability is also the birthplace of courage, creativity and change.”
The fear of shining a spotlight on our perceived deficits is real. We’ve all been misunderstood or rejected by people who don’t have the capacity to accept us and we’ve also been deeply loved and embraced by those who do. So that’s a stigma I’m no longer willing to carry. Maybe instead of drawing inward because receiving makes us feel exposed we might ask ourselves what the underlying feeling is and why we diminish ourselves when we are less than perfect. Because let me tell you, we are all less than perfect. We’re beautiful, messy, complicated humans who have all been broken by something and are trying to show up in the world the best we can. Perhaps the deeper lesson is learning to reframe our thinking so that we can love ourselves exactly where we are and allow others to love us too. I promise you that for every risk I’ve taken by being open and vulnerable, I’ve grown from the rejection and received grace tenfold from those who welcome me. Our flaws make us human and are as much a part of us as any quality we deem beautiful.
Life is reciprocal. It is an ebb and flow of birth and death, give-and-take, of sharing our bounty during someone else’s famine. Every one of us came into this world vulnerable and needing help to survive. The art of giving and receiving is the gracious transaction of allowing people to offer to us at the time what we cannot provide for ourselves. It offers us meaning and is the most benevolent of all acts because it requires humility and compassion from both sides. Yes, most of us feel it’s so much easier to be the giver than it is to be the receiver. That’s a narrative we owe it to ourselves to change. Because one doesn’t exist without the other. I personally know that my gestures of altruism have never been motivated by pity. I simply have a desire to reach out and am capable of doing so at the time.
I’ve recently been on the receiving end of some deeply thoughtful, heartfelt gestures from my closest friends. When these amazing people put their mind to something shit just gets done. They came to my aid when they found out that my illness was making daily life more difficult for me and found unique ways to offer me ease. One of the things I love most about them is that they want to protect my autonomy and are mindful that I might have feelings of inadequacy because I am revealing myself on such a deep level. And yeah, it’s been uncomfortable. And completely beautiful and selfless. I am so humbled by this genuine outpouring of love and I also find myself feeling vulnerable and full of self-doubt at accepting these offerings. The truth is I do need more help right now. It’s my reality at this moment and there’s no end in sight. So I’m not fighting it. I am leaning in and paying close attention to my self-talk and trying to identify where these paradigms came from that would make me feel like I’m a project or that I am not equal to them because I’m in this position. They never make me feel that way.
It is the essence of unconditional love when people see you struggle and would do anything to help you. Without judgment, without pity. In fact, it is a testament to how deeply they care about you as a whole and complete human being. My only job is to receive it with grace and gratitude. So I am listening closely and changing the negative tapes in my head because that loop is entirely false.
These gestures of giving and receiving are the things that soften the edges of the harsh world we live in. They open our hearts, tear down our walls, remind us of our commonalities, create comfort and make us better. And we could all afford to be a little bit better.