Redefining Bravery

I’ve recently noticed a significant disturbing shift in terminology of the word Brave. 

Ooooohhh, she wore a bikini to the beach and she’s not svelte…she’s so brave. Or, she had work done on her aging face…wow, that’s so brave. Or, she wears her emotions so freely…how does she do that? Or, she talks openly about her health limitations and how it affects her socially. So. Brave. 

Really? This is who we’ve become? 

It should not require an act of Bravery to show up in the world as who we are. That shit should be standard. Unless we’re assholes. Yet, we live in a society that is so centered on shaming, encouraging fakery and a flawless image as the bar we set to judge everyone. Shame incites fear and submission, which then asks us to waste our valiancy on things that don’t require it. We are to a large degree obsessed with our own need for perfection and that of others. Perhaps it validates us on some level, but it’s not real or satisfying. The problem is that perfection doesn’t exist and the ensuing judgement is damaging. We’ve adopted this mindset that there is one defining notion of what we should look like, feel like and act like. But isn’t that all subjective to personal beliefs and values? Which notion do we choose? Theirs, his, hers? 

How about our own? How about that? 

Ladies, swimsuit season is fast approaching and oooohhhh, I KNOW what you’re feeling. Well, fuck this judgement and DO YOU! I want to wear a two piece at the beach. It’s cooler and I like the sunshine over ALL of me. Yes, it’s challenging because I have gained weight and trust me when I tell you, it shows in a bathing suit. Sooooooo?!?!? And I’m saying this for me as much as you because I’m certainly guilty of assessing myself harshly for not being who I was a year ago and I also continually work on negating those voices and feel highly comfortable in my own skin. These things are not mutually exclusive. We’re waging war of being marginalized and dismissed and as women we feed into it while it sucks our self esteem. Men struggle with it too. I’m so fucking tired of the standards that have been set and our ridiculous ideas of beauty and tolerance. We’ve accepted so much emotional shaming that now it actually requires tolerance to receive someone who chooses to show up as their imperfect self? I don’t want to live in a world where it is unacceptable to have flaws. WE ALL HAVE FLAWS. 

Here are some Universal truths…

There will always be someone more beautiful and fit than me. There will also always be someone who wishes she was me. 

There are many, many things in this life worse than being fat. Or aging. Or emotional. 

Claiming my body as mine is my birthright. 

So, let’s take back the meaning of Brave. Let’s stop making people conjure up a suit of armored Bravery for just being real. 

To be clear, Brave is when a human goes through extensive cancer treatment and recovery or chooses to die with dignity. Brave is when a loved one cares for them. Brave is when someone is staring down a powerful addiction and they choose to go after it like a hound dog to make sure it doesn’t affect anybody’s life anymore. Brave is watching a teenager overcome the imposed shame and bullying of being trans, gay or simply different. Brave is observing a struggling 20 something individual reclaim their sobriety by not giving in to the overwhelming emotions of the moment. Brave is the single parent who raises children on a minimal income with scarce resources and doesn’t abandon them. Brave is getting out of bed every morning when you’re in 10 kinds of chronic pain and pushing through the fear of your own mortality, day in and day out. 

Brave is not wearing a bikini when you’re fat. Brave is not making a personal choice to get a facelift because you don’t like aging. Brave is not saying yes, I’m really sick, I fall apart sometimes in public and need help. Brave is not sharing your feelings with your guard down, with honesty and transparency. These things are human and should be celebrated as such. They are part of the human experience and we must stop stigmatizing them so they don’t require courage or an attached fear of rejection. 

And while we’re at it, let’s begin by getting our priorities straight and stop whispering these words in shadowed corners with hushed nuances and humiliation. Fat is not a shame filled word. It describes excess flesh. Old is not a shame filled word. It describes the natural process of aging. I’m older than I used to be and I’m fucking fabulous! Vulnerable is not a shame-filled word. It is the gateway to all of our purest emotions and ability to connect. 

Pedophilia is a shame-filled word. Backstabbing is a shame-filled word. Rape is a shame-filled word. Abuse is a shame-filled word. Betrayal is a shame-filled word. 

The world is brimming with Brave people who make us better. Who show tremendous acts of courage moment to moment. Who do and survive the unthinkable. Who push past the boundaries of resilience and find an inner strength so inspiring that others are compelled to cheer. 

None of those things include being thin.