December 2021

There are few things more comforting than a genuine, heartfelt apology when we have hurt someone or been on the receiving end of someone’s wrongdoing. We’re all human and it’s inevitable that we’re going to make mistakes. Saying “I’m sorry” with sincerity carries a lot of weight because it requires vulnerability and invites us to seek to understand how our actions affect that person. It is an exchange of honesty and accountability with a promise to do better so we don’t inflict that kind of pain again. In a healthy relationship, apologies are a necessary part of connecting, and in my opinion a sacred emotional space because when we’re dealing with another person’s wounds, that should never be taken lightly. By offering our commitment to grow we validate the importance of their feelings. 

In an unhealthy relationship, however, apologies are often used as a form of control and can be difficult to recognize if you have grown used to the familiarity of negative emotional indoctrination. This form of apology is prevalent and often repetitive with abusers, whether it be friends, partners or family members. 

An apology without change or reparation is simply a hollow gesture, a form of manipulation. 

Abusers, narcissists and manipulators have a very difficult time carrying guilt because they don’t like the idea that you might perceive them differently. They’re not willing to do the emotional heavy lifting to change their behavior and accept no real accountability, so they seek absolution as a way to dispose of their guilt. When their repeated empty apologies do not work they often use grand gestures, which are desperate acts of releasing their self imposed burden, designed to speak to the most compassionate part of your goodness. Therein lies the manipulation. That might sound harsh and it doesn’t make it less true. It’s easy to get lured into these actions because everyone wants an apology when they’ve been wronged. Especially if you once believed that this person loved you, and was incapable of hurting you in such a way.

Honey, don’t be fooled. When those same tired, meaningless string of words come disguised in a bouquet of flowers or gushy prose scribbled in a Hallmark card with no amends and no actual remorse, just remember, the offender is not sorry. They are guilty, and they’re just tired of hauling it around, so they lay it at your feet in the hopes that you will be grateful for anything they offer. You are not obliged to carry it for them. If you’re anything like me, you gave them chances, you had conversations with them explaining how harmful their behavior was and yet, it escalated until you knew you had to let them go entirely. You can confidently let that apology lie where they left it, step over it and move merrily on with your life. There are few things more toxic and destructive than allowing someone to sneak back into your circle of trust after presenting you with nothing but a disingenuous plea for forgiveness that they refuse to earn. If this is repeated behavior that never diminishes, make no mistake, they know what they’re doing. Those are patterns that deserve your attention. 

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the power of forgiveness. I learned a long time ago that apologies are not something I can hold out hope for, because sometimes they never come. As with any circumstance, I cannot attach myself to an outcome I have no control over. I alone am responsible for how I handle every situation and strive to remain true to myself and my integrity. That’s not always easy to do, trust me. I have forgiven some very dire offenses, including many depraved acts of abuse, knowing that otherwise I wouldn’t be able to move forward with my life in a healthy way. Holding onto pain, hate or grudges left no room for my growth and made me feel ugly inside. I wanted my life to be open and honest so forgiveness became an integral part of it for my own sanity, clarity and peace of mind. It is a practice that I work at. I also came to understand that forgiving someone doesn’t mean I have to let them back in my life. We can change our hearts toward someone’s actions without inviting their harmful patterns into our space or energy. Forgiveness and boundaries are not mutually exclusive. 

On my journey to this place of goodwill, I am still learning to see through what is an attempt of manipulation to regain my trust and what is an actual commitment to work on change and do the right thing. As an empath and a person who desires to be gracious I have had to teach myself to recognize the nuances of people’s actions. I’ve gotten it wrong so many times because I see the good in people first. It is so easy to want to believe that someone we love and care about has had a change of heart and really recognizes the damage they’ve done. Sadly, that is not always the case and we are left to pick up the pieces.

It’s a disappointment that cuts deep and because of it I’ve had to reframe my thinking so as not lose hope in humanity. I cannot let it break my heart. I believe that we can only meet people where they are willing to meet themselves. If I acknowledge that we are in different places and send them on their way with peace and light, I can focus my energy on my healing and growth. 

I have been at the receiving end of some very beautiful, humble apologies in my life, and I have also been the one to offer them. It is healing. There is no perfection in our humanness, but our willingness to be self-aware and develop compassion is a powerful revelation of our character and a foundation for a kinder world. 

It’s a warm and balmy 70 degrees. My children are what feels like a million miles away at their homes in Idaho, possibly making snow angels or catching snowflakes on their tongue. And I am cozily nestled in my writing nook, savoring the sound of rustling leaves as the breeze dances through the trees outside my open window. It is Christmas Day and I am spending it in chosen solitude. There was talk of plans with friends for the holiday; food, movies, what have you, but my month has been full of traveling, adventures, birthday celebrations, toffee making and other festivities, with a few more parties coming up, so I decided to just take the day and be. No promises, no commitments, definitely no cooking. And it’s given me the luxury of time for reflection. 

I am a Christmas girl. Through and through.

I don’t have a single memory of Thanksgiving growing up. Not one. As an adult I’ve never really cared for it much either, although I’ve shared lovely moments cooking with my children, family and friends. Thanksgiving was always more of a gateway holiday to Christmas, which has been my favorite as far back I can see. My mother became happy and hopeful and she was never happy and hopeful. The house was filled with tinsel and magic and endless possibilities. It was extra special to my young girl heart because my birthday was a week before Christmas and we would decorate the tree then, as if it were just for me. Oftentimes, I got the short straw for presents because nobody could afford both birthday and Christmas and I never got a cake, but somehow that was all okay too, because I still grew up loving my birthdays. I don’t remember Christmas being about the presents, although I recall vividly the year there was a guitar for me under the tree. I just remember the world feeling wonderful and whimsical. I remember that blissful feeling of believing in something. And it wasn’t Santa. I remember knowing that Christmas was about service, giving and sharing. That must have come from my mother, that beautiful intrinsic goodness in her that she had a hard time finding the rest of the year because it was buried beneath the rubble of brokenness, mental illness and pain. Christmas was like a portal, some kind of miracle time machine, where she read us stories and her hazel eyes lit up like twinkle lights. I think that is the closest I ever came to understanding what my mother might have been like as a child. Those feelings all stirred together were the enchanted elixir that carried me through the difficult times. So I inhaled them deeply and held them in as long as I could. 

The saddest thing I hear throughout the month of December is that people hate Christmas or they’ll be glad when it’s over. They dread the obligatory family visits, the inevitable arguing and the greed, they detest the commercialism and expectations. Then all the magic and the wonder that is Christmas gets lost in the unrealistic ideals. Ideals that don’t even belong to us. I decided a long time ago that I wasn’t going to let anything ruin my holiday. I was a young mom once with small children and lots of family that pulled at our time and attention or wanted to shower the kids with too many presents and activities. We struggled with finances, time and energy. It was up to me to be protective, intentional and make boundaries. That meant slowing down and deciding what I wanted and what I didn’t. It required paying attention to what worked for our family, especially when a divorce was thrown in the mix. As our children grew and our family expanded we learned to adapt and flow with the circumstances, which was such an important skill when our children had families and partners of their own. I always knew one thing, I wanted the essence of Christmas to be simple and fulfilling. Yes, like now, we loved the gifts, the wrapping, the fun little surprises and especially the stockings, but it wasn’t about the money. I wanted my kids to remember the way they felt, not the things they got. I wanted them to experience seeing the look on someone’s face who got a gift when they were expecting nothing, whether it was a widow or a needy family that we took under our wing. I wanted my daughters to carry a deep sense of joy from giving and service. Everything else was window dressing. That has served them well as adults. 

New Year’s Eve is right around the corner which means all of our obligatory resolutions are bubbling to the surface, maybe even some unfinished ones from 2015, and it’s got me thinking about what’s really important. Do me a favor and just take a moment, close your eyes and ask yourself this….how did your last 6 weeks feel? If it was everything you wanted then go ahead and learn that new language or lose that pandemic pooch, or whatever lofty resolution you want. But if your spirit fell flat or you’re drowning in exhaustion right now, ask yourself what was missing from your holiday. Did you feel nurtured and loved by the people you spent your time with?  What were your stress levels like? Were you shopping the week before Christmas when you wanted to be home making cookies? Did you have time to watch holiday movies that you love or were you too busy finishing your to-do list? Are there family members that you would like to not see every year, or ever again? Here’s a secret, we don’t have to say yes to everything, in fact, we can say no to anything we want. That’s right. 

Stop saying yes to shit you want to say no to. 

Yes, you’re allowed to do that. This is your one and only freaking life and this time and these holidays belong to you. Full Stop. You don’t have to love it like I do, but please, please don’t let somebody else suck all the joy out of it for you. You can create the Christmas that you want. Let go of the pressure, change the expectations and take a good look around because there are plenty of ways for you to give back and lean into the beauty of this holiday. There is so much good to be done and so many happy things to take part in that have nothing to do with forced or self-imposed obligations. I promise. Do you really want to spend a month to six weeks dreading and hating an entire season? Do you really want credit card debt that you’re going to be paying off until next Christmas for presents that no one remembers? Wouldn’t you rather create something meaningful that you can enjoy? Even if it means saying no to nosy Aunt Martha or your insistent mother-in-law. Or taking a family vacation instead of buying gifts. Or refusing visitors until another day, that is not Christmas, so your family can have some peace and quiet.  You’re even allowed to take yourself off the family gift-giving list and decline politely with no explanation, while drinking a glass of eggnog. Spiked eggnog. You are entirely allowed to not open your home to anything or anyone that does not provide you with the energy that you desire. That’s a big one for me. My peace matters to me and I am fiercely protective of it, so if you can’t get on board with that, or your vibe is off then you don’t get to spend time in my space.

The point is, don’t let anybody else steal your joy. For Christmas. For Life. For Anything. 

It’s easy to pack away your holiday decorations along with all the stresses and the reminders of how miserable you’ve been and forget about them. Then next year rolls around, you’re knee-deep in Christmas drama again and you have no idea how to redirect your holiday and make the madness stop. So if you start now, while it’s fresh in your memory, you can make a resolution that you want more peace and then you can start creating a plan for how that looks. And whether it’s just you or your immediate family, you can use this opportunity to take some steps toward creating boundaries that you’ve been unable to meet. Those steps will become practices that you will do again and again until you’re comfortable with them. And before you know it you’re going to get the holiday that you want and deserve. You can expect push back if you have a family that’s in any way demanding, and that’s okay because you’ll be sure of yourself by then and you’ll be able to honor the new boundaries that you’ve made. Merry Christmas and here’s to a peace filled New Year with holidays that you love.