April 2021

Redefining Bravery

8 Comments / Coping, Courage, Personal Growth / By / April 22, 2021

I’ve recently noticed a significant disturbing shift in terminology of the word Brave. 

Ooooohhh, she wore a bikini to the beach and she’s not svelte…she’s so brave. Or, she had work done on her aging face…wow, that’s so brave. Or, she wears her emotions so freely…how does she do that? Or, she talks openly about her health limitations and how it affects her socially. So. Brave. 

Really? This is who we’ve become? 

It should not require an act of Bravery to show up in the world as who we are. That shit should be standard. Unless we’re assholes. Yet, we live in a society that is so centered on shaming, encouraging fakery and a flawless image as the bar we set to judge everyone. Shame incites fear and submission, which then asks us to waste our valiancy on things that don’t require it. We are to a large degree obsessed with our own need for perfection and that of others. Perhaps it validates us on some level, but it’s not real or satisfying. The problem is that perfection doesn’t exist and the ensuing judgement is damaging. We’ve adopted this mindset that there is one defining notion of what we should look like, feel like and act like. But isn’t that all subjective to personal beliefs and values? Which notion do we choose? Theirs, his, hers? 

How about our own? How about that? 

Ladies, swimsuit season is fast approaching and oooohhhh, I KNOW what you’re feeling. Well, fuck this judgement and DO YOU! I want to wear a two piece at the beach. It’s cooler and I like the sunshine over ALL of me. Yes, it’s challenging because I have gained weight and trust me when I tell you, it shows in a bathing suit. Sooooooo?!?!? And I’m saying this for me as much as you because I’m certainly guilty of assessing myself harshly for not being who I was a year ago and I also continually work on negating those voices and feel highly comfortable in my own skin. These things are not mutually exclusive. We’re waging war of being marginalized and dismissed and as women we feed into it while it sucks our self esteem. Men struggle with it too. I’m so fucking tired of the standards that have been set and our ridiculous ideas of beauty and tolerance. We’ve accepted so much emotional shaming that now it actually requires tolerance to receive someone who chooses to show up as their imperfect self? I don’t want to live in a world where it is unacceptable to have flaws. WE ALL HAVE FLAWS. 

Here are some Universal truths…

There will always be someone more beautiful and fit than me. There will also always be someone who wishes she was me. 

There are many, many things in this life worse than being fat. Or aging. Or emotional. 

Claiming my body as mine is my birthright. 

So, let’s take back the meaning of Brave. Let’s stop making people conjure up a suit of armored Bravery for just being real. 

To be clear, Brave is when a human goes through extensive cancer treatment and recovery or chooses to die with dignity. Brave is when a loved one cares for them. Brave is when someone is staring down a powerful addiction and they choose to go after it like a hound dog to make sure it doesn’t affect anybody’s life anymore. Brave is watching a teenager overcome the imposed shame and bullying of being trans, gay or simply different. Brave is observing a struggling 20 something individual reclaim their sobriety by not giving in to the overwhelming emotions of the moment. Brave is the single parent who raises children on a minimal income with scarce resources and doesn’t abandon them. Brave is getting out of bed every morning when you’re in 10 kinds of chronic pain and pushing through the fear of your own mortality, day in and day out. 

Brave is not wearing a bikini when you’re fat. Brave is not making a personal choice to get a facelift because you don’t like aging. Brave is not saying yes, I’m really sick, I fall apart sometimes in public and need help. Brave is not sharing your feelings with your guard down, with honesty and transparency. These things are human and should be celebrated as such. They are part of the human experience and we must stop stigmatizing them so they don’t require courage or an attached fear of rejection. 

And while we’re at it, let’s begin by getting our priorities straight and stop whispering these words in shadowed corners with hushed nuances and humiliation. Fat is not a shame filled word. It describes excess flesh. Old is not a shame filled word. It describes the natural process of aging. I’m older than I used to be and I’m fucking fabulous! Vulnerable is not a shame-filled word. It is the gateway to all of our purest emotions and ability to connect. 

Pedophilia is a shame-filled word. Backstabbing is a shame-filled word. Rape is a shame-filled word. Abuse is a shame-filled word. Betrayal is a shame-filled word. 

The world is brimming with Brave people who make us better. Who show tremendous acts of courage moment to moment. Who do and survive the unthinkable. Who push past the boundaries of resilience and find an inner strength so inspiring that others are compelled to cheer. 

None of those things include being thin.  

Truth And A Grace Filled Uncoupling

2 Comments / Coping, Courage, Personal Growth, Relationships / By / April 18, 2021

I’m gonna say this one more time, really loud for the people in the back. And mostly for me, who stubbornly needs to be reminded. 

                                                     Trust. Yourself. 

There is no truth in the world like the truth inside of you. Nothing else will ever be more true, more accurate than that. Nothing else will guide you back to self more than that. Truth doesn’t have to be loud to be real, in fact, truth comes quietly, with a Knowing, with consistency, with a breath of fresh air kind of calm. Truth is not some chaotic trumpet blaring but the quiet recesses of our soul churning for change. It’s literally craving, waiting, yearning for your attention so it can help you navigate through your life. I’m also going to say that it’s really hard. Because it asks you to have courage, step away from your comfort zone, and oftentimes let go of things, ideas and people you love. AND it’s worth practicing and practicing and practicing, pain and all, until you become skilled at it because your truth wants nothing more than to be heard and honored so it can guide you to the meaning, purpose and fulfillment you seek. 

I recently had to face the man that I love more than anything in this world, a man I’ve shared an epic romance with, a man who has brought me undeniable joy, ease and light and tell him that the nature of our relationship was not working for me and I needed to make a change. A dramatic one. That was the truth in my gut that I did not want to give a voice to. As much as I believe in following my intuition and know it’s right, I had a very difficult time wanting to know this. I sifted through these subtle voices for months, seeking clarity to make sure that the emotional toll of quarantine, my extreme work schedule and other factors weren’t affecting my judgement. I realigned every aspect of my life to gain balance. This conversation was a necessary part of that even though it hurt my heart tremendously. More than I could ever give words to. I will tell you that the truth doesn’t come with a road map, your next step or any kind of security. It’s fucking scary and uncertain. It just plops down and stays until you take heed with blind trust and it is only after you have the hard conversation, after you say the words that stick in your throat and are painful to hear, after you put yourself out on an emotional limb with no idea of the outcome, that the peace of your decision sinks into you. Still hard, yes, still sad, yes, still painful, absolutely yes. And there’s also this, that when you make a decision from your truth it settles into your being without chaos, without second guessing, without doubt in the aftermath. This is what will get you through.

I won’t share the details of why this amazing man and I are transitioning into a different kind of relationship but I will say this, it’s not your traditional breakup. Those words are appropriate in many cases, but ring with toxicity and taste bitter in my mouth for us. We didn’t break. Nothing burned out between us, we didn’t stop caring about each other, our passion didn’t fade and we still love and respect one another. We simply discovered that being live-in partners in a long term committed relationship was asking more of us than we could give and recognized some things that couldn’t be resolved because we were each in very specific and different places. No right or wrong, blame or anger. I know this with certainty, that you can have something rare and wonderful, unique and glorious and still have an obstacle between you that’s invasive enough to make you reassess and seek perspective. 

Most of us are simply too paralyzed by fear to step away from something beautiful and free fall into the unknown. I sure was. However, the majority of our distress, anxiety and pain in life and romance stems from trying to force things that shouldn’t be or existing within expectations that don’t meet our situation while trying to live someone else’s idea of what ‘good enough’ looks like. Turns out that Tommy was feeling the same as I was and couldn’t give it a voice. The only reason I said it first was because I had the skill set and he didn’t. That’s all. Once we had the conversation and moved through the shock and hurt we realized it was mutual. Bittersweet, a bit tragic even, but yes, mutual and the right thing for us. He said I actually saved our relationship by taking a reflective look and giving us both an opportunity to view ourselves honestly. It opened a door for growth. 

Tommy and I spent two weeks in a deep state of awareness, grace and introspection, quietly nurturing each other during our grief of letting go and in that time we shared our emotions with complete transparency, something he had had difficulty doing under the pressure of an actual relationship. Because we are dear friends at our core, we have been doing some incredible healing and growing together through this passage from being exclusive romantic partners into whatever we’re going to be next. We’re not sure what that looks like and we are taking it moment to moment with unabashed honesty. When we first began to recreate and redefine our union, one of the things we absolutely knew was that we wanted to remain present in each other’s lives. We enjoy each other’s company too much not to, and the ease and natural connection between us remains with no awkwardness or strain. We also understand one of the greatest gifts we received from this conversion was learning to talk about the things that people don’t talk about. We’re coming to terms with some insights we’ve gleaned about ourselves, like maybe we weren’t what we thought we were individually when we were a couple. Maybe our skills didn’t match our desire to cohabitate. There’s power in acknowledging what you can and can’t bring to the table during specific seasons of your life. 

Because we do get asked, I wanted an answer that felt authentic for what we’re doing. For me, the most resonating and descriptive term is Conscious Uncoupling, which many first heard from Gwyneth Paltrow several years ago. She was mocked fiercely because people rail against what they cannot comprehend. As a society we’re much more comfortable with toxic terms like breakups, divorce, ghosting and exes. The phrase has actually been around since the 1940’s and requires a deep level of self-awareness and owning the things that you can work on to bring forth a more amicable resolution outside of a partnership. It’s seeing your partner as a teacher and thus understanding that the relationship didn’t fail, so much as invite you to grow. You can only do that with someone who’s not abusive or narcissistic. We came to realize just how important our time together has been in teaching us how to love openly, to show our vulnerabilities by revealing emotional layers, and because we are being so forthcoming we are determining what we want our existing connection to look like and how that will manifest. This has been so healthy for me, allowing me to remain in my truth through every interaction since we separated.

I know this will make some people uncomfortable, confused even, it may be misunderstood, questioned and viewed as unorthodox because it is. We’re trying to navigate how to have an ongoing relationship that doesn’t involve a commitment or a future and honors all the beautiful things we are. It feels more right then never seeing each other again. We’re both adults and realize that there are many ways this could turn out so the only thing we can do is be clear with each other at every moment and do what feels right and comfortable for us. If that shifts then it’s time to transition again. We’ll explore the unthinkable in an uncommon way and see if we can do it without splintering. And while we don’t need people to understand, the purpose of me sharing this is so you know that the only right way to do anything is by doing what’s right for you. And how do you know what that is? 

                                  Follow Your Truth Every Time.

I understand that our love has been a beacon of hope for many and I so want that to remain. Don’t be sad for us, lose your faith in the power of love or your ability to find it. We’ve shared this epic love story and that didn’t go anywhere. Love is still very much alive in us, between us, in the world and especially in you. Our capacity to love is still very much intact and just because we discovered that some of the things we were living weren’t a fit for us as a couple doesn’t mean that all things beautiful aren’t possible. We have enjoyed an extraordinary experience and would choose this all again. Even with the heartache. We’re so fortunate. Loving this man has opened me in ways I never thought possible and actually didn’t even know existed. Now that I know, it expands my world, not makes it smaller. Perhaps, that’s really what love is for. 

Communing With Fellow Travelers

1 Comment / Coping, Personal Growth / By / May 15, 2021

There are moments that change you, almost haunt you.

I was driving to the grocery store last week on that particularly beautiful sunny day and as I waited at the red light in my turning lane, a homeless gentleman caught my eye on the median. He was younger than I usually see, and his energy almost took on a life of its own. I dug through my wallet for the last of the bills I had and waved him over to me. I realize there are many schools of thought on how to best serve our homeless community and I have chosen to simply follow my intuition about who to help, realizing that I know nothing about who they were before they ended up on the street corner, or what they’ll do with the money I give them. For me, it’s about doing what I can, when I am compelled. Certainly, I know this, these people are humans in need of connection and compassion even if all I can give them is a smile. He was very gracious and began a lively conversation with me about how the sunshine was medicine and made him feel glorious. Then he asked me what my plans were and suggested it might be the perfect afternoon to drive out to Jordan Lake. I smiled at the idea. I agreed with him, thanked him for brightening my day with his attitude and turned toward my destination on my green light. 

But you know what I really wanted? I wanted to just open my car door, say jump in, and offer this man a ride to Jordan Lake complete with a picnic. Just because. 

It was deeply disheartening that I couldn’t do that. Obviously, Covid, being an unaccompanied woman, him being a stranger and a myriad of other reasons made it impossible. Yet, for a small, lovely, unencumbered snippet of time I just felt this pure human emotion of wanting to be inclusive. I yearned to help another human being feel like he had something to look forward to. A glimmer of hope perhaps, for both of us. The truth is I have the luxury of going to Jordan Lake whenever I want and whether I do it or not is beside the point. I don’t know this young man’s name or story, I don’t need to. I just know that I walk this earth because of the grace of good people. I’ve been a fiercely hard worker my whole life and also have been really down on my luck before. I’ve gone without. I’ve been on both sides of a bread line and let me tell you that it is a humbling offering, ladling soup as you meet the pleading eyes of adolescent, hungry children who possess no spite, only quiet humility for your small gesture. Fewer images in life will touch your soul so profoundly. So indelibly.

Likewise, it is almost submissive having to ask for yourself, as a supposedly functioning, capable adult, for a meal for which you feel neither worthy or entitled. And I did not feel worthy, I felt the dark sting of shame. Nevertheless, I was treated with dignity and goodness. No one asked how I got there or made me quantify my presence or intentions. I’m not exaggerating when I say there was a season in my life when I was just a few friends away from being in a completely different situation. With all encompassing appreciation, I acknowledge that I have been embraced by human kindness during my challenges, buoyed by the generosity and compassion of friends who understood. Who saw me, beyond my circumstances. Something shifts in you when you’ve done everything you can to help yourself and you still can’t seem to get on your feet. As your resilience kicks in, there is also an intense level of longing to shelter all the broken hearts around you because you have seen the fragility of life, the sameness of our wounds, the thread of vulnerability in our very existence. 

If it doesn’t change you, you’re not paying attention. 

I have had many experiences that have humbled me in regards to homeless and struggling fellow travelers and last week stayed with me. It’s hard to give appropriate language to, but this very organic communion brought this young man joy and actually did more to create a change in me. To share the empathy I had with such abandon and a spontaneous desire to do something even though I couldn’t, exposed feelings that cracked me wide open. That singular experience taught me a powerful lesson about my capacity to more fully see people around me without the trappings of labels, judgement or status. Every human deserves to be truly seen. I think throughout this pandemic I have felt, like many, that my world has become very small. All of a sudden, on the street that day, I was one with the universe and one other person who I knew nothing about except that we were there, together.

The overwhelming takeaway was this, to always practice gratitude, to notice and never ignore the emotions that nudge me toward kindness. In itself, it is a life giving force.