March 2022

I respect that as a white woman I don’t get a place at the table about black issues, because they’re not mine. I will sit back, listen and learn. I am open-minded and always interested in gaining knowledge about things I don’t understand or may inadvertently contribute negatively to. In this one day, I have gained great insight into the emotions swirling through the black community. While there are many things I still don’t understand about last night, I have come to see how personal this is for a lot of people. Having said that, I feel compelled to speak about the violence because it is a humanity issue. Especially when it is broadcast on public television for the world to see. I have conversations with men and women everyday who deal with trauma from violence. It does not discriminate and it is not selective. This incident is very nuanced and I don’t pretend to understand all the ramifications for the people involved, and I think it’s also fair to assume that many people from every walk of life have been affected by this. My opinion is not a judgment, it is an open door for constructive and thought-provoking conversation. It is also an urging to proceed with caution before we put our stamp of approval on any behavior.

Violence and the casual acceptance of it is an epidemic in this country and one that I have had personal experience with. I’ve been on the receiving end of violence more times than I would like to count and it was because I am female. Violence has become a very socially tolerated means of expression and I have a big problem with that. A problem that belongs to all of us. I believe that anything we accept without question seeps into every aspect of who we are and how we live. I also have mixed feelings about being unflinchingly against violence because I have seen that sometimes, when you are facing a situation of being continually bullied, violated or berated, that violence and fighting back is the only thing that speaks to that person. There are many people who have lived with unthinkable dehumanization and have seen no path to justice but through violence. I have no room to judge any of that. I have found ways to stand up to people and defend myself without losing my integrity to violence, but trust me when I say I have been in situations that have made that extremely difficult. Obviously, sometimes circumstances arise that challenge our values. For these reasons, I am encouraged by the collective conversation happening right now, because there’s much to be learned if we’re willing to listen.

To be clear, I believe that the bullying by Chris Rock against Jada that preceded Will Smith’s reaction was in itself violent and dangerous, and for many people more triggering than the physical outburst that came next. I will always make space for people who feel triggered. No matter what. And those people don’t need permission for their feelings. Everyone deserves a safe space to process. And just because this happened in the world of pop culture does not mean it is less real or human. There is an entire population of people that look to pop culture for their example and their heroes, whether we like it or not. Most of us idolize people that we don’t really know, that we respect and feel a sense of reverence for, whether it’s a musician or an athlete or an actor. When they display their flaws and humanness, we begin to examine ourselves more deeply. 

The biggest issue I have with the altercation that took place at the Oscars is that now the actual important issue at hand is being overshadowed by a distraction. Social media is flooded today with memes that take the focus entirely from the reason this incident took place, which is the inappropriate insult that was levied against someone in a vulnerable position. The autoimmune illness, alopecia, that Jada Pinkett Smith deals with every second of her life is serious and heartbreaking. We cannot begin to grasp her courage. It is also something I can speak to since I wear a chronic autoimmune illness like a second skin. I have been on the receiving end of great compassion and multiple judgments, many of which are well intended, yet misplaced and misinformed. Instead of talking about the importance of educating ourselves on how to respectfully treat people with chronic illness, we are once again making this all about the men, the egos, even Will and Jada’s open marriage, and completely missing the point. I believe that how Will chooses to defend his wife or her honor is between them. I have no idea how it made her feel, but I am learning how it made many other black women feel. In my opinion, his angry grandstanding only served to take the focus from the important issue of her health, and yet the lack of accountability we hold people to is exhausting and his reaction is understandable. Chris’s words were vicious and deeply hurtful, and I’m shocked that no one saw this coming given who he is. I am at the same time, disappointed that Will, this articulate man who has an incredible grasp of the human language didn’t choose to use his words. There is so much power in well-placed, perfectly timed words, and a few minutes sharing his first hand account of living with his wife’s illness could have been so much more influential, and quite possibly a very humbling moment for Chris. Imagine hearing a heartfelt testament to his wife’s strength from that podium where literally millions of eyes and ears were on him. He could have opened the door for this important conversation. I have a great deal of respect for Will Smith and his strong presence, and that, in my opinion, would have been an act of love. Speaking of love, I also felt it was a dangerous precedent to lay the blame of his actions on “love” making him do crazy things. Love or a woman is not responsible for this. That is a narrative we need to change. His actions were his, rooted in anger and he should own that. Period. He can own his response with pride and courage if he felt like it was the right thing to do. 

I believe that bullying and mocking someone who is vulnerable and struggling is an insidious, malicious form of violence. The more we ignore the mistreatment of others, the more we condone it. I believe that volatile physical responses that trigger millions of people who have experienced violence deserves a second look. We cannot continue to ignore triggers from an epidemic that we’ve allowed to happen, and then wonder why our society is so mentally unstable. Everything that requires change begins with us. We must look at our apathy toward deplorable behavior disguised as comedy. We must look at our celebrity worship and how easy it is to forget that they are human beings, too. Perhaps Will’s solid and well-placed slap was an awakening of sorts for all of us. Maybe we learned there are lines you can cross that you shouldn’t, there are rules of decency even in entertainment and that somewhere deep inside, we all believe in something. 

I can detest the violent outburst and the bullying that provoked it, because they are not mutually exclusive. I can lean in and listen to the cries from all the people who were deeply affected by this. And I can certainly hope that we choose to do better as a society to be more mindful and caring when it comes to those who deal with difficult circumstances we really know nothing about. The fact is, there is a woman who is currently in the limelight for neither her skill, intelligence, bravery or talents, but simply an altercation and a disease she didn’t choose, that few people understand. As humans, we can all look inward and do better.