February 2021

Welcoming The Unwanted

Leave a Comment / Coping, Courage, Personal Growth / By Renee / February 26, 2021 December 26, 2021

I felt myself deflating, like a leftover balloon from a party. All the celebration was gone and I watched myself aimlessly floating above my own life. My motivation, my joy, my contentment, all languishing in a state of malaise. I ate too much, drank too often, and avoided self care. I nestled into the coziness of the mundane, the softness of the couch and the nook of my lover’s arm with equal appreciation and aversion. There was just so much of it. I savored and got lost in it, then resented it for being so constant. And because I knew this wasn’t normal for me, I checked myself often, my words, my actions with careful attunement. It didn’t mean I wasn’t occasionally careless or moody, it just meant I paid attention and tried to be accountable. I was fine one minute and couldn’t bear it the next.

This couldn’t possibly be my life.

The pandemic continues to rear its ugly head with its emotional tightrope, the hope of a vaccine, the fear of contracting a stronger strain of this mysterious plague, and the defeating milestone of 500,000 casualties and counting. We’re experiencing PTSD from this insidious virus that relentlessly weaves between our semblance of normal, our need to be safe and our desire to connect. Adding complexities to an already simmering pot of angst, we are a nation in healing, recovering from inadequate, morally vacant leadership and a cruel, inequitable racial climate, one that won’t see resolution anytime soon. Among the layered nuances lies frustration at the selfishness and single-mindedness of fellow travelers and we find ourselves with nowhere to put these intense emotions because we can’t even identify most of them. We are solemn and weary.

This is a resurgence, after thinking I was getting used to it all and a new experience to be so at conflict with myself this often. I am usually grounded, self aware and don’t typically respond to life’s circumstances in kind, but rather proactively by surrendering daily to gratitude and acceptance. This is different. This has given my mind too much space for ruminating and with my illness always shadowing me, has pronounced my thoughts of mortality. It has left me feeling raw and unmoored. This is hard. It is within the collective voices and vulnerable conversations among my friends and loved ones that I hear this sentiment echoed and feel compelled to share my process. We are all going through this on some level in unique ways. Even the seemingly unaffected have been affected. That in itself is reassuring, comforting and disconcerting at the same time. We are together. And alone. This is temporary, yet there is no end in sight. This will pass, yet it will not leave us unscathed. It has been our evolution and that always requires upheaval, a transformation from who we were to who we are becoming.

Now I’m allowing myself to feel my way through this. Not because I’m so evolved or even always want to, but here it is, the option in front of me. So I’m honoring it. With intent and practice, I have spent entire days connected only to my feelings, not trying to shoo them, distract them or wish them away. They are mine, however unpleasant, and for now, they are the gateway to whatever takeaway I glean from this. When I am deeply rooted in my sadness, or need for solitude, my first inclination is to apologize for it, as though it’s unacceptable behavior, but my next truer response is to own it and acknowledge that I need to be in that space so I will know it’s trying to share with me. It is often the unwanted, uninvited and uncomfortable emotions that reveal the most about who we are. They deserve our grace and attention. Maybe we don’t need to fear the sorrow or the trauma, perhaps we can create room for it to give us tools, broader coping skills, the kind we need because life is a shitshow sometimes.

I believe most of us are doing our best right now, and that might look subpar on any given day, which is also entirely okay. We might be phoning it in, or only taking baby steps, but we’re showing up in life, attempting to make sense of something senseless.

Perhaps not all journeys have to shower us with beautiful scenery to be meaningful. Sometimes the landscape can punish while the lesson calls us home, to ourselves, with all our virtues, fragility and resilience. Silence can invite us to a place of introspection that offers healing. Grieving with a nation that shares our suffering can enrobe us in compassion. Leaning into unfamiliar feelings can make us malleable to positive change. Beyond the overwhelm and chaos, truth unfolds and we can unearth our higher, best self. We can thrive.

Perfection, It’s Not A Thing

2 Comments / Courage, Personal Growth / By Renee / February 18, 2021 February 18, 2021

Please stop trying to be perfect. You can’t. It’s not a thing. It’s merely a definition of a thing. Perfection is the I Ching, the end, the most complete, the best, “as good as it is possible to be.” Who even knows what that is? Is there an end to being as good as we can be? I personally have never achieved that in anything or met anyone who has. Ever. Because life is messy, unpredictable, and it is in our mistakes that we grow and get better. It is when we fall that we decide to get back up, willing to see what we’re made of, knees bruised and bloody, weary from the battle. That is the character building stuff that makes life sweet.

The art of perfecting something is admirable, but Perfectionism itself only gives you one way to go. Failure. Not the kind of failure that inspires you forward but the guilt ridden kind. You will recognize your tendency to be a perfectionist by how you define failure and your internal response when you fuck up. Do you berate and beat yourself up? What is your self talk when you feel like you’ve let everyone down and why do you take on the weight of those feelings? Do you consider mistakes flaws instead of a human experience?

Perfectionism perpetuates overthinking, anxiety and fuels the notion that we are never enough, often stemming from hypercritical parents or some sort of shaming in our past. Heaven forbid we’re ever caught in our less than perfect state. It is not the same as striving to improve. Perfectionism is a whipping post built of blame and culpability that keeps us stuck. We must appear at all times to be composed and compliant with a proper standard of society. Fuck that!! As humans, we are always doing one of two things, either falling backwards or aspiring toward growth, that’s a given. Aspiring is good and I’m not saying we should stop doing that, settle or accept mediocrity. I am suggesting that we show ourselves some grace on our way to refinement. Love ourselves where we are as we move forward. Those things are not mutually exclusive.

How about this. Instead of practice makes perfect, let’s say,

Practice Makes Better.

There. Keep shining, growing, appealing to the most loving, highest version of yourself. And, like the word ‘should’, remove ‘perfect’ from your vocabulary and inner voice narrative. Otherwise, you will be disappointed every single time and continually spinning your wheels, like a hamster in a cage to be something no one even wants you to be. It’s exhausting isn’t it? Imperfect people are way more fun and relatable anyway.

Now, I don’t mind when I hear someone say they’re perfecting or honing their craft. Those violin prodigies? They never stop practicing. They also know they’re not going to achieve a certain place of arrival, they’re smart enough to realize that perfecting means always reaching, absorbing all the knowledge available to them. Their mistakes teach them, not shame them. The best of the best are always going for it. They don’t give up because they aren’t perfect. They know that’s not real. What they are is committed, dedicated, disciplined and motivated. And human. You will see that word a lot here. They do not rely on the fallacy of a destination, they grasp the importance of the process.

I have seen the expectation of perfectionism tear at people I love. In their desire to achieve that goal they find themselves lacking and deflated. They often quit or do nothing because they cannot find their way to that level of completeness. Especially in relationships, perfection is the antithesis of intimacy because we are caught up in thinking, not feeling. Anyone can love us when we’re perfect, but what about when we mess up? Isn’t that the real test?

And we will mess up. We do a disservice to ourselves and those we love when we define our actions by perfectionism instead of the art of being authentic. Real.

We have all done careless, reckless or thoughtless things that have resulted in someone else’s suffering or pain. Things that make us feel remorse and maybe even unworthy. Sure that’s imperfection, and it’s also just being a beautiful human. The majority of us don’t do it with malintent, we do it because we’re learning, so we need to remember that. We are not a failure when we disappoint people, hurt our loved ones or cause someone close to us emotional or financial pain. Again, we are flawed and normal.

My light appeared after I had been shattered and put myself back together. Flawless? Not even close and don’t wanna be. That’s where all the beauty is. It shines like diamonds through the cracks, broken places, my humanness, fragility and resilience. I have made a shit-ton of missteps and gone down many roads that caused me pain and required a long, lonely walk back. All leading me to right here, right now. I regret none of it. None. I am an imperfect, sparkly masterpiece, a work in progress.

So are you.

As with anything in life, if it doesn’t nurture you, it’s not serving you.

Aren’t you tired of holding your breath, keeping up appearances, trying to get it right all the time, when deep down you KNOW there is no such thing as perfectly right all the time? Aren’t you tired of never living up to your own unrealistic expectations and feeling like failing is bad? You can stop now. You’re enough. Right here, right now. Not because of what you do, but because of who you are.

Just be more of that please.

If It Comes To Me, It’s Meant For Me

5 Comments / Courage, Personal Growth / By Renee / February 12, 2021 February 13, 2021

You know those moments when you start feeling disconnected or unhappy with your current situation, a job, a relationship, whatever? You start turning ideas over in your head about how to do something different because you realize you’re in a state of unease. Maybe you can’t pinpoint why or really what you want to do but you keep ruminating yourself into a scenario other than what’s in front of you.

This is the stirring of purposeful change or divine discontent.

I used to tell my kids to heed those sensations because that’s your soul telling you something is off balance, not aligning with who you are and it’s inviting you to create a more authentic way of life. Maybe not this second, but inevitably. Emotions usually manifest through our body long before we receive the understanding in our brain, becoming a visceral experience that speaks to us quietly, on a core level, not intellectually. These whisperings don’t always make sense and are often hard to identify because they’re intangibles that many of us tend to second guess. Those are the important nuances to learn to pay attention to, because they flow from a place of internal truth. Our compass. We live in a society of distraction, busyness and overthinking, leaving little room to hear the intuitive responses that our body shares with us. It has been my experience that when I lean into those feelings with trust I am never steered wrong. I may not be able to see the outcome or how I will achieve what I want, yet, with my whole heart I know that if something comes to me, it was meant for me. This has always proven to be true.

Of course, when you’re making a life change there are many factors to consider that require a plan, sacrifice and willingness to put forth the effort. However, it always starts with a Knowing that there is something else available to you. That’s not easy because it means stepping away from comfort or stability. Relationships, for example, have intricate entanglements that make change challenging, jobs offer financial security that can be hard to walk away from, and relocating to a new area means strange and unfamiliar territory. That’s all scary stuff. Though it is scarier when we live with the regret of a life unfinished.

Recently, I have had more than one friend who has expressed disappointment with their current situation and it has propelled them toward making new choices. BIG, life changing, brave, uncertain choices at a time in their life when they were hoping for the ease of predictability. Each one began by feeling unsettled, wanting more, then listening to where their inner voice was guiding them. Once they took action the Universe met them with opportunities. That’s how this magic works. Whether you concede to it or not, every life altering shift begins inside of you first.

It took me years to fully recognize what my intuition was and that it is always reliable. It always knows, it’s always right and it counts on me to honor its wisdom. It shows up for the small things, big things and everything in between.

My decision in 2014 to relocate from Idaho, my home of 35 years, to North Carolina, came to fruition because I had a literal dream, a vision in my sleep that would be the catalyst for the most drastic, purposeful decision of my life. The Knowing came first, this soft nudging that there was something more I hadn’t imagined waiting for me. It spoke with gentle, consistent confidence, ebbing and flowing like a bright new idea in my head that came into laser focus when I woke from my dream. It was born on the heels of loss, pain, hope and was also a commitment I made faster than buying a pair of shoes. Because I felt it deeply, I trusted and I never looked back. I’m great at transition, change was all around me, I had nothing to lose so I was open to a new adventure although the path was unclear.

The previous year I was very sick and had gone through a painful divorce, and my sister, who was my best friend at the time, invited me to come to Raleigh, get a clean slate and some much needed respite. It was tempting to start over and let someone take care of me, but I declined. I knew in my heart if I left then it would be running away. I had emotional work to do, and I’m not an avoider. What unfolded over the next 15 months would be some of the most difficult times of my life, a baptism of fire that I absolutely had to go through to find my way to closure, healing and growth, so I could own every part of my experience. What you don’t resolve, you take with you and I knew that. My dream was a culmination of what I already held deep inside and the hard work I had achieved. It affirmed to me that the possibilities of my life were boundless. When I eventually sold my belongings, packed what would fit in my car and drove across the country, it was a complete act of stepping forward, not running away. A gigantic leap of faith with no net that would never have happened if I hadn’t been prepared and paying attention.

Our lives will constantly present us with situations that ask us to step out of our comfort zone and when we are faced with dissatisfaction in any part of our life, our intuition is the gift that will guide us. Like any skill we want to hone, we can choose to practice the art of listening to the most important voice we will ever hear, trusting that if it comes to us, it is meant for us.

Where’s My Closure??

4 Comments / Personal Growth, Relationships / By Renee / February 5, 2021 February 5, 2021

You know what I’m talking about…

You’ve just come off a relationship that felt like it had a future, with a friend, partner, whatever, but it’s fallen apart. It’s reached its conclusion and is now keeping you simmering in self doubt, searching for some kind of cosmic reasoning, unable to enjoy the here and now and whatever good thing is waiting around the corner for you. I’ve seen people hang on to a dead end for years. If you’re holding out for closure in a relationship that isn’t happening, let me share something with you. Darling, you don’t need it. This isn’t a cliche or cheap platitude but a truth I have found my way through.

Closure is the gift we give ourselves when we make a decision to stop. To stop ruminating. To stop engaging. It happens when we step away emotionally from something. Anything. No matter who set it in motion. We accept it. Period.

It’s not pleasant and none of us enjoy the feeling of shifting in the wind, unanswered questions floating in the universe while we’re left scratching our head at the outcome. Oftentimes, even if we are the instigator, we crave answers. Sometimes though, all that’s available to us is grief, confusion, loss.

There are psychological reasons we desire closure that include making sense of the story we have told ourselves about what we are building with this person, and when it comes to a screeching halt it naturally leaves us reeling. First of all, most of us are good hearted and don’t want to hurt the other person so there’s a huge emotional investment, and secondly we are creatures of comfort and find solace in tidy conclusions. In an ideal world, we would be able to sit down, have a conversation with this person of significance, be honest about the relationship so we could begin to understand the breakdown, learning our way from there to healthier interactions. Wouldn’t that be beneficial?! Yeah, it happens sometimes, but rarely and for a myriad of reasons. What then?

That’s when we choose to create what we need for ourselves. Seriously. We may not like it or even grasp it all, but the moment we arrive in that place of owning the situation, it belongs to us, as well as our power to change our perspective and the peace that accompanies it.

Wherever it originated, one of you made a decision to do what was best for yourself and that’s enough. That’s always enough. You ended something. Or they ended something. All the blaming and lamenting is never going to make sense of things that don’t make sense. It is what it is and this is your gift now. Yes, a fucked up gift, but a gift just the same. You are entitled to take all the time you need to get through it, past it, around it, over it or whatever you have to do to move on, because that process will teach you. And your first step is the act of staking claim to it. Always. That’s where all healing begins. If you can’t find common ground in the result, don’t spend one minute of your precious energy worrying about what they’re thinking, or if that final conversation will offer you clarity and clear things up. Because, chances are, if it hasn’t already, it won’t. Maybe light years down the road, but honey, don’t bank on that. Don’t put your life on hold for that. Bank on YOU!

Trust me when I tell you your questions will be answered as your life unfolds and your experiences play out before you. You don’t need to look back and wonder if you could have done more, been different or changed anything…because you will be sitting with your feelings for a long time after this and if you’re paying attention, you will hear the answers that will propel you forward. It turns out that it will be all about how you can grow from here, what your patterns are, what you want more of, what you want less of and what you will do differently for YOU. NOT how you can reach back and fix something behind you. Hopefully they’re over there doing their own work, growing in their own understanding but if they’re not that’s okay. Because you are.

My second marriage had a great deal of wisdom to bestow on me. After I walked away physically from my husband and worked through some pain, we were able to open a dialogue in the hopes of recovering. We blended a family and that meant something to me. He wanted me back, I knew I wasn’t going and told him as much, but I believed we could create something beautiful from the wreckage. UGH! That did not serve me well. It took me a long time to realize that I was clinging to the what ifs, what might have beens, and some sense of loyalty to our history. That was a horrible, ineffectual feeling that kept me stuck, even as I moved on.

I had to get real about how damaging that marriage truly was and stop hanging my star on some broken promise. The abusive nature of the relationship and his propensity for pathological distortions of truth colored my thinking, warping my ability to make decisions. Those layers took time to peel away. He was never going to be transparent about his actions, no matter what empty words he offered me. He was incapable. His lies became his truth.

I remember the moment when that became okay. I didn’t need him so I could heal, move on, or understand. I understood me. I did the work. I knew my heart. I saw my wounds clearly. I was open to growth. Once I realized that I owed him nothing and he wasn’t worthy of my friendship because he was an abuser, I set myself free. At the pristine advice of a friend, I actually did an energy ritual where I wrote him a letter and burned it in a fire pit, on the night of a blue moon. It was cathartic, beautiful and very effective to sever those ties between us that he kept twisting, even though we were on different sides of the country. Powerful and liberating. It was through that experience I learned that closure comes from within. It’s not some magic answer that hides in the heart of another person, a conversation of clarity, or a cleansing of conscience. It simply flows from within. Just like everything else.

A complicated breakup can fill us with remorse and all its unanswered questions. The ‘how did this happen’, ‘how did I get here’ and ‘why wasn’t I enough’ can rob us of our peace of mind. I think it is human nature to be plagued with lingering doubts when faced with an epilogue, but it was in my ambiguity that I heard my inner voice and learned to trust my Knowing. Ultimately, it was about me, my self discovery and comprehension. That’s it. I’m all I can control. It changed me forever in the best possible way.

I have remained friends with my exes who have approached our transition as adults with fluid conversation and consideration. In situations where closure is absolutely unavailable, it is possible to reframe your thinking, changing the outcome of your feelings and subsequent responses. I have found that releasing my expectations for ‘meaning’ is very helpful. I acknowledge that sometimes people grow apart, feelings fade, respect wanes, and even the loveliest things aren’t salvageable. Bad things happen. Seasons end. Relationships run their course.

NEXT.

It’s not easy. It is simple. And it’s waiting for you.

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