Where’s My Closure??

You know what I’m talking about…

You’ve just come off a relationship that felt like it had a future, with a friend, partner, whatever, but it’s fallen apart. It’s reached its conclusion and is now keeping you simmering in self doubt, searching for some kind of cosmic reasoning, unable to enjoy the here and now and whatever good thing is waiting around the corner for you. I’ve seen people hang on to a dead end for years. If you’re holding out for closure in a relationship that isn’t happening, let me share something with you. Darling, you don’t need it. This isn’t a cliche or cheap platitude but a truth I have found my way through. 

Closure is the gift we give ourselves when we make a decision to stop. To stop ruminating. To stop engaging. It happens when we step away emotionally from something. Anything. No matter who set it in motion. We accept it. Period.

It’s not pleasant and none of us enjoy the feeling of shifting in the wind, unanswered questions floating in the universe while we’re left scratching our head at the outcome. Oftentimes, even if we are the instigator, we crave answers. Sometimes though, all that’s available to us is grief, confusion, loss. 

There are psychological reasons we desire closure that include making sense of the story we have told ourselves about what we are building with this person, and when it comes to a screeching halt it naturally leaves us reeling. First of all, most of us are good hearted and don’t want to hurt the other person so there’s a huge emotional investment, and secondly we are creatures of comfort and find solace in tidy conclusions. In an ideal world, we would be able to sit down, have a conversation with this person of significance, be honest about the relationship so we could begin to understand the breakdown, learning our way from there to healthier interactions. Wouldn’t that be beneficial?! Yeah, it happens sometimes, but rarely and for a myriad of reasons. What then? 

That’s when we choose to create what we need for ourselves. Seriously. We may not like it or even grasp it all, but the moment we arrive in that place of owning the situation, it belongs to us, as well as our power to change our perspective and the peace that accompanies it. 

Wherever it originated, one of you made a decision to do what was best for yourself and that’s enough. That’s always enough. You ended something. Or they ended something. All the blaming and lamenting is never going to make sense of things that don’t make sense. It is what it is and this is your gift now. Yes, a fucked up gift, but a gift just the same. You are entitled to take all the time you need to get through it, past it, around it, over it or whatever you have to do to move on, because that process will teach you. And your first step is the act of staking claim to it. Always. That’s where all healing begins. If you can’t find common ground in the result, don’t spend one minute of your precious energy worrying about what they’re thinking, or if that final conversation will offer you clarity and clear things up. Because, chances are, if it hasn’t already, it won’t. Maybe light years down the road, but honey, don’t bank on that. Don’t put your life on hold for that. Bank on YOU!

Trust me when I tell you your questions will be answered as your life unfolds and your experiences play out before you. You don’t need to look back and wonder if you could have done more, been different or changed anything…because you will be sitting with your feelings for a long time after this and if you’re paying attention, you will hear the answers that will propel you forward. It turns out that it will be all about how you can grow from here, what your patterns are, what you want more of, what you want less of and what you will do differently for YOU. NOT how you can reach back and fix something behind you. Hopefully they’re over there doing their own work, growing in their own understanding but if they’re not that’s okay. Because you are. 

My second marriage had a great deal of wisdom to bestow on me. After I walked away physically from my husband and worked through some pain, we were able to open a dialogue in the hopes of recovering. We blended a family and that meant something to me. He wanted me back, I knew I wasn’t going and told him as much, but I believed we could create something beautiful from the wreckage. UGH! That did not serve me well. It took me a long time to realize that I was clinging to the what ifs, what might have beens, and some sense of loyalty to our history. That was a horrible, ineffectual feeling that kept me stuck, even as I moved on. 

I had to get real about how damaging that marriage truly was and stop hanging my star on some broken promise. The abusive nature of the relationship and his propensity for pathological distortions of truth colored my thinking, warping my ability to make decisions. Those layers took time to peel away. He was never going to be transparent about his actions, no matter what empty words he offered me. He was incapable. His lies became his truth. 

I remember the moment when that became okay. I didn’t need him so I could heal, move on, or understand. I understood me. I did the work. I knew my heart. I saw my wounds clearly. I was open to growth. Once I realized that I owed him nothing and he wasn’t worthy of my friendship because he was an abuser, I set myself free. At the pristine advice of a friend, I actually did an energy ritual where I wrote him a letter and burned it in a fire pit, on the night of a blue moon. It was cathartic, beautiful and very effective to sever those ties between us that he kept twisting, even though we were on different sides of the country. Powerful and liberating. It was through that experience I learned that closure comes from within. It’s not some magic answer that hides in the heart of another person, a conversation of clarity, or a cleansing of conscience. It simply flows from within. Just like everything else. 

A complicated breakup can fill us with remorse and all its unanswered questions. The ‘how did this happen’, ‘how did I get here’ and ‘why wasn’t I enough’ can rob us of our peace of mind. I think it is human nature to be plagued with lingering doubts when faced with an epilogue, but it was in my ambiguity that I heard my inner voice and learned to trust my Knowing. Ultimately, it was about me, my self discovery and comprehension. That’s it. I’m all I can control. It changed me forever in the best possible way. 

I have remained friends with my exes who have approached our transition as adults with fluid conversation and consideration. In situations where closure is absolutely unavailable, it is possible to reframe your thinking, changing the outcome of your feelings and subsequent responses. I have found that releasing my expectations for ‘meaning’ is very helpful. I acknowledge that sometimes people grow apart, feelings fade, respect wanes, and even the loveliest things aren’t salvageable. Bad things happen. Seasons end. Relationships run their course.

                                                                 NEXT.

                                       It’s not easy. It is simple. And it’s waiting for you.