What Resistance Taught Me

There are times when we feel the effects of life’s challenges all at once, as negative circumstances twist, tangle and pile on each other, wrapping around us like an angry wind storm. It can seem overwhelming as it pulls us in, leaving us off balance. I have been hit hard recently by personal and professional situations that have left me seeking the most effective ways to navigate the next month as I pour myself into commitments that must be honored. I’m exhausted, in a great deal of pain and have very limited energy, so my resolve toward self care is vital, and how I get there will determine my well being. With an unhealthy combination of things going on around me that I could not control, I found myself struggling with my next decision, feeling annoying urgency to DO something and being constantly met by my own resistance. Everything was swirling and uncertain. In my experience, resistance means there is something I need to know and that requires my attention. In this instance it was asking me to look for more peaceful solutions than unraveling under the weight of the stress. 

In a moment of insight that took me back to something I learned a long time ago I made an intentional decision. I took a breath, released any attachment to a particular outcome and just stopped. And in stopping I surrendered. To the truth of what I could do and what I could not. To the power of what energy I would give or receive. To the emotional boundaries I would honor for myself. I chose to be in the moment of Now, which is something I always strive for but this time did with more devotion. 

Resistance by its very nature is only met with more force. Neither society, nor our often dysfunctional upbringing has equipped us well to cope with the onslaught of challenges we often face disproportionately or the negative feelings that grow from uncomfortable emotions, and it makes sense that resistance is the first place we go. We think if we push against these unwanted things we can move to the other side of it and feel better. But in doing so we end up inviting more of what we don’t want. If we could learn to remain curious we could discover more of how we respond to life and how those responses serve us. None of us like the byproduct of pain, stress, sadness, anger, fear, loss or loneliness, yet those feelings are there for our benefit just as much as any other thing we experience. For me, the only effective way to shift from resistance to complete surrender and navigate my difficult situation was to lean into what was given me, detach from and release the outcome, allow the organic ebb and flow and focus only on the things that I could change or contribute to. It’s scary because we are giving up a form of control, which we never actually had anyway, but tend to find a sense of comfort in. Through that vulnerability we create intimacy with ourselves. 

I had a friend tell me a few months ago that if she stopped working so hard to hold onto her relationship she felt that it would fail and her partner would easily walk away. I could feel that because I’ve been there. I totally understand the fear behind what she was saying and why she would want so desperately to keep trying. She is simultaneously experiencing the deep attachment of love as well as the fear of being alone and her instinct is to hold on and fight. The universal truth of resistance is a life truth, one that ripples into all of our interactions and relationships with other humans and circumstances, coming at us in full force during fight or flight mode. At some point we must determine that there are things that require our letting go and we will only recognize that by relinquishing control and sitting with the silence of our own being. 

Surrendering or detaching from the outcome is not about having negative expectations, but an important process of learning to see things for what they are. It is the art of noticing what the person, situation, or experience offers us, without prodding, pushing, or forcing anything. What is left standing after that is what is meant for us.

When I let go, what was really incredible was this new sense of awareness that became me. I could feel unpleasant things, without emotion or judgement, just acknowledgement. Without the lure of fixing it, saving anyone, talking about it, feeling a need to explain anything, or even be understood. There was just this perfect stillness. No matter how difficult or stressful things became I was able to know exactly what I needed in each given moment and none of it required a decision from me. It nurtured me instead of diminishing me emotionally. There was a recognition in me of things that were reciprocal and things that were not and sweet clarity that spilled into every part of my day. I didn’t react or fret because I wasn’t waiting for some outcome that I knew I couldn’t change anyway. I’m doing this imperfectly, as I do everything, and it takes practice but it has been my lifesaver over the last few weeks to have this emotional consistency, this stability of allowing what is and not worrying about what isn’t. 

The outcome has been no angst, anxiety, fear. Just peace. The only thing I am in control of is how I respond to any given situation. Ever. 

If life is overwhelming right now and there are too many things happening for you maybe it’s time to step back, take inventory of what you can change, what you cannot and make a decision to release everything else. When you notice your resistance to letting go ask yourself this….

What is the fear behind the feeling or emotion? What would happen if you did nothing? Would something you care about run its course and would that be the worst thing in the world? How much could your life improve if you released outcomes that didn’t belong to you? 

Resistance is a powerful tool for self discovery, a wall which when pushed through reveals us, creating space for a more peaceful existence.