The Great Pause

My elderly client needed something, so I braced myself to go to the grocery store. It’s my job to take care of her needs. I don’t think I realized that my breathing was shallow and I was holding tension against my body as comfortably as an old sweater.

                      Oh, this pandemic. It reveals us. 

It is such a strange, unprecedented time in the world where even a simple trip for necessities can feel like a death wish. The energy is often thick with emotions. People are wearing masks, like some kind of new alien normal. It’s what is required of us. The social connection we once experienced so easily by smiling at one another has been replaced with this shadow of shame and we often avert our gaze, as if making eye contact may expose us to the fear and panic, or at very worst, the virus itself. On those rare times when my eyes meet someone else’s I’ve seen occasional sparkling, hopeful smiles but more often there are rivers of sadness, ripples of strained compassion, confusion, grief and this knowing that none of us are immune to what is happening. For many of us our minds start ruminating the minute we get into the parking lot. We have become acutely aware of where our hands are, how we are moving about and what other people are doing, touching and their proximity to us. People are considerate, thoughtful, patient. They are also mean, short tempered, selfish. There’s so much room for judgement, a silent simmering condemnation that is wrapped around the fear of contracting or carrying this virus. Our sense of comfort in the things we used to know and took for granted is all but vanished. We’re surrounded by scarcity, mourning the loss of the things that we love and things yet to come that we cannot begin to imagine.

There is no way we can escape the underlying stress that comes with living like this. Personally, it leaves me reeling, emotionally off balance, yet somehow deeply humbled and serenely grateful. I have moments of pure clarity and contentment, and so many WTF moments. 

I will tell you that I think the world was in need of a reset. A cold, hard slap in the face to rethink the way we’ve allowed ourselves to live. To ask ourselves if we like who we’re becoming. The hateful rhetoric, the greed, the me-me-me mentality and the need for instant gratification has all turned into something so ugly. We have been depleted, exhausted. If this virus is a solution or opportunity, I don’t like the way it feels but it’s here and it’s happening. I have great respect for that. Attention must be paid.

Before I share anything more, let me be very clear that I am painfully aware of the increases in suicide, depression and domestic violence since this sheltering in place began. This is not a good situation, a reality check or an open door for them to contemplate on anything but survival. They’re suffering, agonizing. My children and many friends have been affected and lost their jobs and have not been able to get the money promised them. I know people are living without basics and feeling pressure that is beyond reason because they don’t know what’s next. Those types of stressors actually create a physiological shift in our biological makeup, changing who we are. Also, I have read many things in the papers and on Facebook about taking this as a juncture to get to know ourselves or reevaluate. And those platitudes are wonderful for some but also deeply insensitive for people who are wrestling with anger, frustration, financial concerns and the absolute palpable fracture that is taking place in our country. These foriegn feelings don’t align and are a betrayal for a good person just trying to do the right thing. Even with positive self-talk and relying on their instincts and resilience some of the best people I know are struggling and hate everything about this isolation. More than the virus itself they fear becoming an angry, negative person. Every time somebody suggests how to make it better they just want to tell them to fuck off. 

                                                That’s human and valid. It’s all valid.

So please know those are not the people I’m talking about here. I’m not here telling anybody what would work for them. I am offering insight from my own experiences and what they’ve taught me, because I needed a way to cope so I can function everyday.  I know how fortunate I am to be able to spend time contemplating. 

I believe that practicing intention and mindfulness over the past few years has given me tools for how to stay centered. I also believe that my illness and life of trauma has prepared me for something like this. It has been necessary for me to learn to slow down and listen. Consequently, I don’t panic or spend too much time worrying, I stay curious, open. I feel like I was born for transition and change, a gift in many ways. Nothing in this world is as consistent as change. I wrote earlier about my emotional fragility and that’s a very real, unpredictable issue for me. Allowing myself the time to sit and quiet the chatter in my head so I can hear what my feelings are trying to tell me is the most cleansing thing I do for myself. Where is my sadness coming from, what am I really missing and if we never go back to the ‘normal’ we’ve known, what would I want in its place?

Granted, it takes me a while to wrap my head around it and I’m kind of a train wreck in between but eventually I get there. 

I believe that we can be both mindful and fearful. Fear just informs us. It doesn’t decide for us. These extreme fluctuations we’re experiencing can teach us something we can come back to later. I know so many of us are just hanging on by a thread right now, feeling ugly inside, overly sensitive, lost. It’s okay to lean into the emotions we’re having right now whether it’s anger, frustration or just an urge to give up for a while. We’re not going to unpack and live there. We’re going to kick back in our emotional easy chair and just let the feelings run through our body. Notice them. No judgement. We’ll find our way to the necessary decisions we need to make. Seriously, we don’t need the additional burden of worrying about that. Just do the best we can at this moment. 

From my conversations I have come to believe that before this pandemic hit we were all doing some things in our lives that needed changing. Maybe we were living above our financial means or mismanaging our money. Maybe we were spending too much time seeking distractions because we didn’t want to face the truth of our lives. Maybe we were missing something in our soul we never allowed ourselves to have. Maybe we were saying yes to shit we didn’t really want to do. Maybe we knew our minds and bodies needed a break but we never gave ourselves permission to stop and figure out what that looks like. Maybe, just maybe, this is helping us realize that we want to be more prepared for uncertainty, both emotionally and financially. Maybe now we can take an honest, introspective inventory of what matters. When the world reopens it will be slowly, deliberately, and we always have the choice of how quickly we want to jump back into things. There’s beauty in taking a break…

In pausing so we can listen. 

I’m deeply touched by and grateful for all the helpers I see out there right now. Literally hundreds of people are coming forward to do their part and that inspires me to be a part of it. It keeps me grounded in hope. And also now, from the stress of being compelled to comply, there’s this sense of urgency from certain people that just want things to go back to normal. I can relate to that too. But I don’t really believe there is such a thing. Our normal wasn’t healthy. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to go back to any of that. I’m not interested in picking up where we left off. 

I believe we can and must do better and that we possess the heart and soul to make that happen.