Puh-lease Can We Show A Little Grace

I’ve seen some lovely, positive and even very funny posts on Facebook lately, as people create alternatives for the way we connect and do their part to bring comic relief to this stressful situation. I’ve also been seeing a lot of backhanded shaming that looks like this…’if you don’t like staying at home you must not like your home’ or ‘you should use this time to be more productive’ and my personal favorite, ‘this is God’s gift to slow down the world so you can take time to center yourself and find out who you really are’. I don’t think any of these ideas by themselves are inherently wrong, but something about them kinda irritated me, rubbed me the wrong way. I couldn’t figure it out for a while, but here it is. Verbiage is important and there is a huge difference between sharing how you are navigating through this and telling somebody what they ‘should’ be doing or how they ‘should’ feel.  

                 We cannot presume our experience is everyone else’s experience. 

Last time I checked we were in the middle of a global pandemic. I don’t know about you but I’ve never had to do this before. And nobody, literally nobody knows what the fuck they’re doing. We’re figuring it out as we go. We’re leaning into information as it comes in and we’re doing the best we can. So I want to call a timeout on all the shaming. Please stop acting like everyone else is in the same situation you are. The universal truth is that this pandemic doesn’t discriminate and we don’t know what’s next. 

                   We are all affected but we are all affected differently. 

Let me share some insight as to what I’ve seen so far that people are going through and expressing, starting with my part of my own experience. 

I am considered high risk so in many ways I am a walking time bomb for those I shelter with and the elderly client that I care for. My hours have been increased so our risk has increased. Although I do everything I can to protect myself I think it is inevitable that this virus will find its way to me, which of course will affect my finances and living situation. Also, I am currently in need of another surgery that I cannot have in the foreseeable future. My three children and grandchildren live across the country and their physical, financial and emotional well being is always on my mind. While I do not focus on these things they are part of me every minute. I have single friends who have anxiety and find this kind of isolation a deep trigger as they deal with fear on a regular basis, trying to maintain a semblance of normalcy by hoarding and panic buying. Relief for them is fleeting and made worse by the massive onslaught of information, news and updates. The number of domestic violence cases has increased exponentially since this pandemic began and many victims are forced to shelter with their abusive partner. Suicide rates are increasing. There are families out there who cannot feed their children or pay their bills and any kind of promised assistance comes slowly, if at all. Many of my friends who work in essential positions are mistreated, disrespected and in large degree unprotected because of the shortages. They are not getting paid enough, they are afraid, exhausted and yet they have no choice but to show up every day. For so many the present and the unknown future is filled with despair. With the additional burden of homeschooling, remote access for high schools and universities, which means a learning curve for children, parents and teachers, so much more is going on than just an opportunity for ‘free time to develop a new hobby’. These things all carry a great weight which can create an unfamiliar level of stress that we can’t begin to imagine if we are in a safe, comfortable environment. We need to be mindful of this. That is entirely in our control. 

I’m going to say this as often as I can and that is we’re all allowed to be and feel whatever we need to right now. This is your experience. If you feel like it would be beneficial to stay grounded or become more mindful and you’re not sure where to begin, then by all means reach out to someone trusted who would be able to offer you guidance with that. If you’d like to write the next great novel or completely remodel your inner sanctum, have at it. But do not, I repeat, DO NOT spend one second feeling guilty about anything. Because you’re not doing enough. Or you’re not doing it right. Or you’re doing it begrudgingly. Or you’re stuffing your pie hole, chillin’ on the couch, binge watching mindless TV. Blah. Blah. Blah.

                                 Consider this time of your life a guilt-free zone. 

It’s okay to unfollow people on Facebook. It’s okay to ugly cry out of the blue. It’s okay to really, really hate this and follow the rules anyway. It’s okay to have the urge to run someone over in the Food Lion parking lot as long as you keep that thought to yourself. There is no one way to do this and it is highly likely that what serves you now will change later, even tomorrow. That is all okay. You can be a mess and a marvel all at once. I do it all the time.

Allowing your life to be a guilt-free zone takes practice. Navigating your way through a global pandemic that has literally shifted the way we live and show up in the world takes practice. Death rates that increase in numbers, steal our loved ones, threaten our very mode of survival and bring entire countries down create stressors we cannot even begin to understand. Learning how to ground yourself when you feel like the very foundation upon which you existed has been broken and shattered takes practice. Coming to terms with the grief, the loss, and the fear takes practice. Being afraid but still showing up in life everyday takes practice. 

So can we please stop being insensitive to each other and start offering support or just mind our own fucking business? Please. It’s making people cry. And yes, hypersensitivity is a symptom of extreme stress. Can we step out of our little boxes and imagine for a moment what some of these other situations feel like? Except for the mean, stupid people who just get meaner and more stupid, we’re all just doing the best we can here. 

To be clear, I love my home, I am all about mindfulness, productivity, finding beauty and trying to live a life away from drama and negativity. I’m also all about listening to what I need, day drinking to cope, and spending time doing absolutely nothing. I’m grieving and this is hard. It’s also really beautiful sometimes. I honor all of that. And the last thing I am entitled to is judging anybody for doing what they need to get through the day. I don’t live in their life, I’m not in their head. I don’t know what trauma and crisis looks like for them. Either do you. If you’re posting stuff and don’t know how you come across then please check yourself. We should always be checking ourselves. That’s what grown-ups do. Enjoy your surroundings, your new found free time and hobbies, but also remember that not everybody is finding joy or comfort in this. That whole thing your mama taught you about walking a mile in someone else’s shoes was preparing you for this moment. 

            If there was ever a time to show each other a little grace, it is now.