Perfection, It’s Not A Thing

Please stop trying to be perfect. You can’t. It’s not a thing. It’s merely a definition of a thing. Perfection is the I Ching, the end, the most complete, the best, “as good as it is possible to be.” Who even knows what that is? Is there an end to being as good as we can be? I personally have never achieved that in anything or met anyone who has. Ever. Because life is messy, unpredictable, and it is in our mistakes that we grow and get better. It is when we fall that we decide to get back up, willing to see what we’re made of, knees bruised and bloody, weary from the battle. That is the character building stuff that makes life sweet.

The art of perfecting something is admirable, but Perfectionism itself only gives you one way to go. Failure. Not the kind of failure that inspires you forward but the guilt ridden kind. You will recognize your tendency to be a perfectionist by how you define failure and your internal response when you fuck up. Do you berate and beat yourself up? What is your self talk when you feel like you’ve let everyone down and why do you take on the weight of those feelings? Do you consider mistakes flaws instead of a human experience?

Perfectionism perpetuates overthinking, anxiety and fuels the notion that we are never enough, often stemming from hypercritical parents or some sort of shaming in our past. Heaven forbid we’re ever caught in our less than perfect state. It is not the same as striving to improve. Perfectionism is a whipping post built of blame and culpability that keeps us stuck. We must appear at all times to be composed and compliant with a proper standard of society. Fuck that!! As humans, we are always doing one of two things, either falling backwards or aspiring toward growth, that’s a given. Aspiring is good and I’m not saying we should stop doing that, settle or accept mediocrity. I am suggesting that we show ourselves some grace on our way to refinement. Love ourselves where we are as we move forward. Those things are not mutually exclusive. 

How about this. Instead of practice makes perfect, let’s say, 

                                                                          Practice Makes Better. 

There. Keep shining, growing, appealing to the most loving, highest version of yourself. And, like the word ‘should’, remove ‘perfect’ from your vocabulary and inner voice narrative. Otherwise, you will be disappointed every single time and continually spinning your wheels, like a hamster in a cage to be something no one even wants you to be. It’s exhausting isn’t it? Imperfect people are way more fun and relatable anyway. 

Now, I don’t mind when I hear someone say they’re perfecting or honing their craft. Those violin prodigies? They never stop practicing. They also know they’re not going to achieve a certain place of arrival, they’re smart enough to realize that perfecting means always reaching, absorbing all the knowledge available to them. Their mistakes teach them, not shame them. The best of the best are always going for it. They don’t give up because they aren’t perfect. They know that’s not real. What they are is committed, dedicated, disciplined and motivated. And human. You will see that word a lot here. They do not rely on the fallacy of a destination, they grasp the importance of the process.  

I have seen the expectation of perfectionism tear at people I love. In their desire to achieve that goal they find themselves lacking and deflated. They often quit or do nothing because they cannot find their way to that level of completeness. Especially in relationships, perfection is the antithesis of intimacy because we are caught up in thinking, not feeling. Anyone can love us when we’re perfect, but what about when we mess up? Isn’t that the real test? 

And we will mess up. We do a disservice to ourselves and those we love when we define our actions by perfectionism instead of the art of being authentic. Real.

We have all done careless, reckless or thoughtless things that have resulted in someone else’s suffering or pain. Things that make us feel remorse and maybe even unworthy. Sure that’s imperfection, and it’s also just being a beautiful human. The majority of us don’t do it with malintent, we do it because we’re learning, so we need to remember that. We are not a failure when we disappoint people, hurt our loved ones or cause someone close to us emotional or financial pain. Again, we are flawed and normal.

My light appeared after I had been shattered and put myself back together. Flawless? Not even close and don’t wanna be. That’s where all the beauty is. It shines like diamonds through the cracks, broken places, my humanness, fragility and resilience. I have made a shit-ton of missteps and gone down many roads that caused me pain and required a long, lonely walk back. All leading me to right here, right now. I regret none of it. None. I am an imperfect, sparkly masterpiece, a work in progress.  

So are you. 

As with anything in life, if it doesn’t nurture you, it’s not serving you.

Aren’t you tired of holding your breath, keeping up appearances, trying to get it right all the time, when deep down you KNOW there is no such thing as perfectly right all the time? Aren’t you tired of never living up to your own unrealistic expectations and feeling like failing is bad? You can stop now. You’re enough. Right here, right now. Not because of what you do, but because of who you are. 

Just be more of that please.