Once You’ve Shattered You’re Not Afraid To Break

Who we are is somewhere between the smudged lines of the small talk we engage in, the stories we tell ourselves and give meaning to and the lens through which we view life. 

In an attempt to heal and move beyond the constraints of my depraved, abusive childhood, I set out on a journey of self discovery and growth that began in my twenties. I was in deep emotional pain, recalling memories that manifested as night terrors accompanied by an overwhelming sense of powerlessness. I was losing myself to something I couldn’t identify but it had a sinister darkness to it. I wanted desperately to create a better life for my own children and that could only be accomplished if I had the clarity to embrace all of who I was. The mental work was fierce and gut wrenching, cracking me so wide open that I could see every fracture, every nuance, every gaping open wound of my soul. I faced truths that were so horrific I was literally throwing up into a garbage can. I had been afraid that if I felt the pain of it all that it would swallow me whole and I would drown in the abyss. But in truth, it was the very thing that saved me. I became so empowered and connected to every part of myself as I peeled back the layers and found within me the ever present strength and resilience that had kept me pushing through all those years. I realized that if I could survive those experiences, I could survive anything. 

I learned which shards of my brokenness shaped my experiences and informed the decisions I had made thus far, which ones gave me strength and which ones brought me to my knees. I left no stone unturned, no memory unresolved, however painful it was. No amount of work was too grueling because I had something so precious at stake, my daughters and my very essence.

Healing from trauma, loss or abuse sets us on an unknown and often uncomfortable course of growth. The people who held me emotionally and physically captive with constant, perverse manipulation tried to rob me of my sexuality, my ability to trust or feel safe. They needed to keep me small, quiet and afraid so they could feel strong and powerful. I was a reminder of their own weakness so they tried to burn me to the ground.

                               They didn’t count on me being the fire and the ashes.   

It would be years more and two unhealthy, abusive marriages before I would cut to the core of all the residual effects I was left to work through, and I spent too much time beating myself up for that. Eventually though, it taught me that this is a pilgrimage and I was doing the best I could with what I knew. I will continue to climb mountains and reach the top and then have to do it all over again. But each time I will do it faster, easier and I will see the beauty of the view at the top so much clearer than I used to. I will look behind me and see how far I’ve come.

There have been so many gifts along the road to healing. I retrained myself to trust my intuition, I learned to listen to and love my body for everything it has given me and saved me from, and I have uncovered my voice and worthiness. I discovered in myself a passionate desire to be inclusive with others, let them know they matter, leaving no one alone and afraid if it is in my power to help them. I am an advocate of kindness and compassion. Truly, I feel fortunate that I never lost my trust in humanity and that, in fact, I am more open and vulnerable than ever. I won’t let anyone take that from me. Mostly this transformation has brought out my courage, my ability to forgive myself and others, shown me what I’m made of and especially what I value. Part of my truth now is knowing this, that we are not a product of our collective experience; we are a product of how we respond to those experiences. The world is filled with love and hope and I will bask in it because I refuse to live my life closed, bitter and afraid.

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                              Once you’ve shattered, you’re not afraid to break.