It’s Not Them, It’s This!

There are so many things I’m not saying. So many emotions I just try to process so I can get through this day. And the next one. And the next. They are unpredictable yet seem to want to hang around, coming and going as they please, like an obnoxious house guest. I talk a lot about being okay with not being okay and for the most part I am. I’m adaptable and very good at transition, comfortably navigating my way through whatever is going on with me, giving myself permission to feel it for a while, then releasing it so I can get on with the business of living. I’m not afraid to cry and that’s very helpful. But lately, like so many of us, I am feeling the wear and tear of our current situation. I share my home with two other people and I don’t like to put them in the position of being my human dumping ground while I figure out what the hell’s going on in my head so I can give it a voice. I also don’t want to walk around in a sullen mood every time it comes up. Being an extrovert and an empath I’m already the most vocal one in our cozy little trio, with plenty of emotion sprinkled around like confetti at a birthday party. I have to say they’re both great about it. They listen and hug me as often as needed. They don’t even roll their eyes at me, at least not to my face. Truthfully, it seems selfish to be feeling anything but grateful when for the most part we’re really okay right now. But it’s frustrating when I think I’ve given these responses a proper send off, then, surprise, here they come again! Anger, melancholy, disappointment. I’m just like, what the actual fuck?! 

Coincidentally, I found myself feeling kind of edgy the other night. I don’t get edgy. And then I got quiet as thoughts ruminated through my head that sounded like they were coming from a stranger. I could almost hear the voices say out loud that if I have to look at my couch for one more second or fix one more dinner I’m going to scream…and…this…there are just too many people living in my house right now and I would like them to go away!! That would have been a rather unfortunate choice of words, especially since they’ve done nothing wrong, in fact they make my life easier. ‘They’ being my roommate and my boyfriend. Seriously, let me clarify that we have zero issues getting along, which I know is rare. We have, in fact, a very synergistic routine and level of honesty and trust that makes it easy to share our time and space together. I love these guys. I love chillin’ on the couch with them, sharing a home together and especially cooking with them. We’ve had an opportunity to really know each other through this, and that’s a gift I would never return. 

So obviously, it’s not them, it’s me. Not even me. It’s this! It’s this damn pandemic! I think it has released in me an almost unidentifiable surge of languishing loneliness. This is not the kind of loneliness you feel when you’re in a bad marriage, when you’re single and don’t want to be or when you just moved to a new place and don’t know anyone. No, this feels more like longing, an aching for things you don’t even know exist. 

This is hard to say and I’m certainly not proud of it, but I made a commitment to myself that I would not edit my feelings in these words I share. It would be unfair to everyone if I didn’t show all the facets of myself. When I am compelled to write I must do my truth-telling with integrity and no ego. I am sooooooo human.

 I offer this to you so you’ll understand and know that you’re not the only one. Because you’re not the only one. I think it’s the most natural thing in the world that this global unsteadiness is making people ancy. Emotions are bubbling to the surface right now that feel foreign. Because they are. And I think any of us can be challenged whether we are living alone in this or whether we are isolating with other people. Every circumstance is unique and worthy of validation for whatever it reveals in us. The daily shifts we are seeing and the constant underlying level of stress can leave us feeling overextended and depleted, creating overly sensitive responses and unfamiliar behavior. Personally I am exhausted, the kind of exhaustion rest doesn’t cure. I strive to be very mindful of that and how it affects the way I show up in the world. But it’s difficult. 

While talking with a friend on the phone who lives alone, she told me that what she misses the most is belly laughing with her best friend. She can wait patiently for things to reopen, to go dancing and enjoy live music again but she is craving that connection of laughter, with someone who knows her. Her insight was so profound to me, it actually took my breath away. I realized that it is the core feeling most of us are experiencing. And that’s not just a pandemic thing. That’s a life thing. This virus has shed light on what really matters. There is something intrinsically deeper than just going out that we are longing for, missing, while sheltering in place. There is a sense of belonging when we are out in the world, when we are engaging with those closest to us, a reminder of the golden thread of humanity that binds us all together and makes us more the same than we are different. Our social activities and circles of people are not merely shallow experiences of gathering, drinking, laughing, dancing and revelry. No, they represent considerably more than they appear on the surface. These interactions that feed us and nurture our soul are often reflections of our best selves, that connect us on a higher ground, a place where compassion and understanding are nurtured and have room to grow. We become better when we are surrounded with like-minded people. 

I know that I’m saddened by the current lack of civility and mindfulness that some people have toward one another. It is a heartbreaking realization that maybe we have come too far to ever find our way back to a collective kindness. In addition, my pain levels are extremely high lately, a result of my complicated autoimmune issues, making my daily routine often grueling. While I love my home and my people here, and truly feel blessed by the ease they offer me, I have no outlet for this. No warm, inviting circle of friends that remind me of the beauty in the world, no opportunity to dance that will release this relentless discomfort in my body, and no energy from others that would ease the pressure inside of me. Those things lend themselves to my current state of mind. Although I am a very positive person, I’m also deeply affected by the weight of this. 

So yeah, I think for a while we’re going to experience the ups and downs of doing the right thing by sheltering in place, as others fight against it in negative harmful ways that creep into our subconscious. Yes, we can absolutely expect that it will not always be easy. The right things seldom are. In fact they can be really fucking hard. 

But since we’re feeling what we’re feeling and we’re in this, like it or not, the big monumental takeaway here is, go ahead, let the emotional strangers in, just don’t act on them. Honor them, take your time with them and yes, speak your truth out loud to someone. 

Just maybe not the awesome partner and roomie sitting next to you at the time who would be totally blindsided by your crazy. Which reminds me, I need to go give these guys a heads up before they read this…….