Fragility, The New Normal?

Last week I was chillin’ with my guy and roommate as we spent another night isolating together. We came across some fun karaoke on TV and the next thing I know we were all singing Lean On Me. Maybe we were feeling a bit sentimental over Bill Withers recent death but we just broke into this beautiful harmonious sharing of emotions through a familiar song. I was carried away by waves of gratitude and this undeniable comfort in the unity of our voices, the affection we all share and the knowing that we are not alone in this. I was simultaneously washed in grief, sadness and a longing for the life that I miss. Live music, actual karaoke, dancing, the laughter and physical connection with my friends. 

One song turned into an evening of laughter and music and then all of a sudden a headline on my phone grabbed my attention. Next moment I found myself crying as I read the latest news story of a retired couple in Florida that just died from the Coronavirus. They had been married for 51 years, were inseparable, healthy, happy. They were fine, and then, they weren’t. They died 6 minutes apart. And when I read that I just totally lost it. I almost couldn’t bear it. I was angry and hurt and scared. I was heartbroken. 

I didn’t even know these people. I recognized that as the beginning of a wave of fragility that seems to have become my shadow. I find myself crying easily these days, mourning for these families, the lives lost that cannot be celebrated, grieving for what might come for all of us. Yet on many levels I’m loving so much about this. 

Because I knew these feelings weren’t normal for me, I gave myself some quiet time and space to  listen and see what they had to tell me. This is how I’ve been able to identify what I need, because the only constant is how much this whole dynamic changes. Maybe a few things I’ve discovered will resonate and help you.

I have lowered my bar for productivity. 

You might say it’s so low that I could walk right over it and not even notice it’s there. I didn’t expect to be so emotionally sensitive right now because honestly there’s a lot about this quarantine that I am enjoying. But I allow and learn from all of my feelings, experience them without judgment or a need to fix it. I take my time with them and that is why I have chosen to exist in a guilt-free zone, free from expectations that I can’t fulfill right now. I’ve learned that if I do not honor the space I’m in it will get the best of me. I write, I work on projects but I have no agenda other than my job. I don’t need to feel pressured in my spare time, so we’re kinda flying by the seat of our pants around here. Part of lowering my bar has been just listening to what my body needs now, since I can’t enjoy my regular de stressing activities. 

I limit my exposure to social media and news.

Too much news from any source or hostility on FB can feed depression. I find that an excess of information or negative energy zaps me, making it difficult to enjoy the moment I’m living in and remember that I am, right now, safe and comfortable. It’s different for everyone but finding a balance is always very important for me. The world won’t stop without me knowing about it. If I need to skip it all for a day or two it will be there when I get back to it. 

I’ve been paying particular attention to the things I do naturally, organically without thinking. 

I don’t waste much time figuring things out. I remain curious, allowing myself to notice what feels right to me. For example the places I spend time in my home, or the foods that I want to eat. I’ve discovered that when I’m not at work I am gravitating between these spaces…

A)  My bright, spacious kitchen.

B) My comfy, colorful front porch with its cozy welcoming swing.

C) The writing nook in my bedroom, with my worn leather chair, eclectic art, warm throws and twinkle lights.

D) The sofa in the living room where my guy and I binge watch NetFlix/Amazon/Hulu, eat, laugh, unwind and talk for hours. Lowkey and easy.

Those are obviously the places where I am finding comfort, quiet or a general sense of safety. I’m not going to feel bad about the amount of time I spend in any of those places. Also, I do my best to maintain my regular eating style but I don’t feel guilty when I want comfort food. Especially the vodka I start consuming as soon as I walk in the door. It’s always 5:00 around here now.

Self Care is vital for me. 

Generally, I think we understand what self-care looks like, but with all the underlying stress and ever-changing parameters those needs can change daily. Self care can evolve as we do. A big part of self-care for me is honoring all of my feelings. When I sit with them without judgment and learn from them I give my body permission to feel everything without being overwhelmed by any of it. No emotions are scary for me anymore, they are my teachers. And no, you don’t get to feel guilty because you’re not taking care of yourself enough or the right way or too much. Or if you read this and say “Damn it woman, are you out of your mind, I don’t have time for self-care!?!”, that’s okay. Anything you need to do, or not, right now is okay, in any time frame you can. Okay? Tuck it away for later and use it if it makes sense. Paying Attention. Again, big asset for me right now. I had some time on Sunday so I went out in the backyard and just sat in the sun. I played some of my favorite music and sang along at the top of my lungs even though there were other people out in their backyards who could hear me. I didn’t care, either did they. That’s what I needed so that’s what I did. Twirling is good for my soul so one afternoon I wore a flowy dress and danced in my living room. Sometimes I need to watch something that is totally mindless…or read a book that feeds my spirit and offers me a break from the chaos. Sometimes just congregating with the people I isolate with is the most familiar, pleasant thing in the world no matter what we’re doing. Even the smallest things like wearing my boyfriend’s shirt kinda wraps me up in comfort. Hugely important to me and something I can do whenever. 

Lean into the good stuff.

Slightly different from self care, I am surrendering to the things I can’t change, by leaning into the positive things this circumstance has to offer. I am learning what I hold important and true, what I want to keep and let go of once the world reopens and I am offered more choices again. You can practice sheltering in place, find the beauty it has given you, and still miss the life you’ve put on hold. The more you listen the more you will find your way with this. I have had the most extraordinary experience with my guy being here 24/7, someone I’d only known for 6 months, give or take when we decided to isolate together. I’m basking in being around someone who is like-minded, finds joy and opportunity in the situation as I do, while recognizing my need to talk, cry or feel homesick for what was. I couldn’t really ask for anything more perfect. This pause has given us time to know each other and nurture a very important part of our relationship, something I especially want to hold on to. 

Stay connected.

For me, physical contact, connection and face to face interaction is the backbone of how I live. Staying in touch has helped with the loss and loneliness of my social nights out, as well as ease my mind when I am especially concerned for someone’s well-being. I’ve been very good about reaching out to certain people. What surprised me was to discover how terribly bad I am at it also. There are definitely people I have thought about but not reached out to, and that is so unlike me. I have discovered that I need to shelter in silence sometimes or just focus on the moment I’m in. As social as I am I am also deeply introspective and set aside time for that. It’s perfectly okay to do whatever you need as you learn what works for you.

Get outside every day and get some fresh air and sunshine.

Even if it’s just to sit on your front porch, walk down the block or chill in your backyard with a glass of wine. There’s a whole world out there and a big beautiful sky that can shift your perspective, remind you you’re not alone and all you have to do is look around, look up, breathe in and out. Do it. I guarantee you’ll feel better. 

Make necessary plans that will lay to rest any concerns about what would happen if you contract this virus.

Look, this isn’t anybody’s favorite subject but it just makes sense right now that someone knows what your plans are. It sounds obvious, but if you don’t make plans now, in writing, your loved ones are going to be dealing with those mind-numbing details during the most emotional time of their lives. We all know this pandemic is changing the way we do things. Your insurance information, preferred medical facility, where tests are available are vital if they’re needed. As far as the bigger picture, it doesn’t have to be some long drawn-out thing and it doesn’t have to have this dark cloud attached to it. It’s an act of love and generosity towards my family and it’s calming to have that piece in place.

Emotional fragility, feeling of being overwhelmed and like we don’t know what we’re doing or even thriving and wishing it would never end are all normal responses related to this pandemic. There’s no one or right way to do this and hopefully we can create ways that help us navigate through the life that we need to be living right now.