Drawing Lines In The Sand

We have all been hurt, betrayed, ghosted, or mistreated, and because of that, boundaries are a necessary part of living. The common thing I hear is that it can be difficult to define, especially when we are dealing with people we have loved deeply, shared dark secrets with or grown up with, like our family. Life is messy and personal, those ties run deep and the lines get blurred by emotional attachment and occasionally fear of the consequence. Sometimes, completely cutting ties, for our own sanity and well being, is our best choice, although not a black and white one. Other times we have to simply decide what kind of behavior we will allow while still seeing those people, and it is a balancing act, one that requires assertiveness, yet can also make us feel guilty and uncomfortable. It is a learned skill, to be able to create clear emotional lines to protect ourselves. You can still be a kind person, hold your ground and your power at once. In fact, if you’re doing it right, that’s exactly how it looks.

So how do you know what is fair and right? 

For me, it is all about recognizing my inner motivation and how it manifests in my body. If I pay attention, I’ll always recognize truth, because my gut speaks it. It’s also a matter of working through my feelings before I react or make any life choices. I strive to never make important decisions when I’m in emotional upheaval. After I’ve been hurt it is common to carry residual emotions that can be confusing. Once I sit with, sort and identify them, I have a better chance of responding in a way that serves my higher, best self. We all have a higher, best self. 

Grudges are heavy, life sucking, joy robbers that come from a place of unresolved anger, hurt, or vengeance. The weight of carrying it often brings bitterness and angst, even at the very name of the person. It’s ultimately toxic, incites negative emotions and keeps you stuck. It can feel like you’re protecting yourself, but you are only adding hurt to an already difficult situation. You armor up, block out everything, even the good stuff, instead of moving through the pain. 

Establishing boundaries, however, leaves you feeling serene, expands your heart, creating space for those healthy relationships that are meant to nurture your life. These derive from self-love and awareness that allows you to see your worth and only accept behavior from others that aligns with that. There is peace, healing and contentment in your choice. That person may still be out of your life, but you send them away with love, goodness and light. You also accept that they are in a different place, one that doesn’t match yours, and doesn’t require your judgment or energy. Yeah, that sounds kind of woo-woo, but it’s also a Universal truth, one that has held fast for me again and again. You will always know by the stirrings in you if you are making boundaries or holding grudges. 

It has been my personal experience that this is not something I do once, but a practice I’ve had to visit again and again, because sometimes my heart gets the best of me, or the dysfunctional role I’ve played in these people’s lives comes back like muscle memory. I certainly didn’t grow up knowing how to take care of myself emotionally, in fact I was the one in charge of everyone’s else’s, so I had to adopt this trait for my own well being. Each time I do it, I am stronger and better at finding my way, listening to my intuition, because, again, it always knows. 

I recently had to revisit some boundaries with my family, my dad in particular, a man I’ve had to draw clear lines in the sand with for years. I was thrown off guard by old emotions that bubbled to the surface when I was being manipulated and bullied in a phone conversation with him. At 59, I found myself in tears, responding like a child with no voice, feeling beat up and kicked in the gut. Because essentially I had been. 

After I hung up I had to take a step back and evaluate where those feelings were coming from. Eventually, after sitting with it for a time, recognizing my part in it and re-centering to the person I am now, I was able to stay true to myself, reach out with compassion, and still remain clear on what I needed and would not accept from him. Of course, at first this feels mean. This is my dad we’re talking about, and yes, it’s very personal. 

But I matter. Let me say that again. I MATTER.

And no one will take care of me if I don’t take care of myself. I have learned that I can respond to these situations with firmness, clarity and positive energy without falling back into old destructive patterns where I am being used up and shut down by their needs. I decide how much I am willing or able to give. With zero guilt. I also decide to remain soft in a harsh situation. That is vital for me. I will not let my experiences leave me bitter. And, YES, it is a decision. It felt really good to know that I could do all of this at once.

I spend my time now in loving, reciprocal, positive relationships where I am heard and respected. I’m a giver, and when I need to take a step back, I see it more quickly and do it with ease and no resentment. I’m not perfect at this, but I won’t be an afterthought and you don’t get to wipe your shoes on me, so I’ll keep at it.

Give yourself permission in this moment to not take any shit and still be beautifully kind. Own your power without ire. The more you practice this form of loving self-care, the easier it will be to recognize your truth and what you need to do.

For you.