Connecting Through Transparency

Transparency. That mutually shared magic of being completely uninhibited about who you are and what you feel. 

Transparency exposes a level of vulnerability that many people are afraid of because it means we unveil our deep, protected selves, from the past we’ve learned our way through, to the missteps we’ve made and all our attributes in between, both magnificent and messy. We open ourselves to the arduous conversations, the words that aren’t always pretty to hear or easy to say. Raw honesty. We show this a little at a time as we begin to feel comfortable and secure with someone, a potential partner or best friend, in the hopes that they will see all the cracks in our veneer, still want to know more, accept and keep it all safe. To me, transparency is the cornerstone of sustainable love in a relationship, both in how we offer and receive it, and the catalyst for all future honesty. We create lasting connections and intricate intimacy by how we foster trust because we step away from our armor, our walls, laying our souls bare. We recognize the humanness that forges us together. It’s a scary, beautiful thing. Without that safety we carry our fragility and our deep-seated self-belief with caution, secretly withholding, feeling that maybe we’re too broken to be truly and unconditionally loved.

Let’s face it, revealing ourselves is risky because we can only meet people where they’re willing to meet themselves. What if they reject us? I hear it all the time, the recounts of people who have been betrayed and then found themselves spirling in a sea of self doubt, unable to see beyond the hurt that results in building walls that don’t really offer protection but keep them from the deepest intimacy they can form with someone. The second a person recklessly misuses our vulnerability they actually make us the weapon. That’s a deep fracture of confidence stealing trust that’s difficult to recover from. It takes courage to stay open and not allow that breach to ruin you. 

My second husband knew me better than anyone and saw me with startling insight that I had never experienced. Which made his betrayal all the more devastating. I didn’t see it coming, how he would use my stories, my wounds, my victories, those delicate pieces of my heart I entrusted to him, twisting and turning them to his advantage, until they became dull knives slashing into my very existence. Gaslighting. Vicious verbal assaults. They left me numb and confused. I sought desperately to understand the source of his fragile insecurities, ignoring my own need to be protected, mistaking sacrifice for marital compromise, because that was my instinct. Oh, the lies we are spoon fed about marriage. There was a defining moment when I felt my soul withering away, dimming my light so low I could not reach out to it. It nearly destroyed me before I recognized it, left him and walked toward something new. Never. Again. The aftershock of my fractured marriage left me feeling shattered, irreparably damaged, unable to take my next breath. Or so I thought. As my feelings flooded to the surface, no longer crushed under the weight of his cruelty, I allowed myself the time to fall apart and slowly heal. It was the closest I ever came to a mental breakdown, sitting in my closet, sobbing from my gut so hard I couldn’t breathe as I grieved the future I had hoped for, the broken promises to our children, the jarring reality that I was blinded by an idea of love that left me feeling used and stupid. I refocused, listened, honored my process, and offered myself the grace to find my way back to me. It taught me a powerful lesson and would end up being my Phoenix moment, my rise from the ashes. I saw with glaring clarity that anyone’s destructive behavior is about them, not me, and I can’t save them from it or love them through it no matter how strong our connection is. I took baby steps to regain my confidence, find my footing and reestablish trust with my own inner voice. I was determined that no one would ever take my power from me again and that meant full on self-love and acceptance of my entire story, my strengths, my flaws, and who I am because of it. Without shame, apology or regret. I made a decision to keep living with a heart wide open, knowing it may break and I’m in charge of how I put it back together. I’ve done it before, I can do it as many times as it takes. 

I share this to remind you you’re not alone. All the things I didn’t know affected me deeply for a very long time, tutoring me in what I know now. I do better because I know better. So can you. 

Obviously not all situations are this extreme or abusive. Sometimes we end up with a really good person who simply lacks the skills to dig deep, has unresolved trauma, insecurities or an inability to communicate that has nothing to do with us. They may be willing to grow, or they may not, and we can learn to read the nuances then decide to move forward, or move on. 

If you’re lacking transparency in any of your current relationships, take a step back to reflect. Breathe deep and feel what your body is telling you. About you. About them. Do you find yourself withholding from your partner, not being you, because you feel self-reproach about something? Or, do you feel cautious sharing because they have indicated they will have difficulty hearing you objectively and you don’t feel safe? Healthy relationships thrive on reciprocal honesty and that takes some pretty serious self awareness. If you carry shame or embarrassment about your own past it can affect the way you hear someone else’s, even if you love them, and visa versa. A little introspection is necessary when we’re merging ourselves with someone. 

We’ve all been wounded on different levels and at the end of the day it’s pretty simple. I think as humans, we just want to belong. Life is about finding those people who embrace us for all we are. Not everyone will and that’s okay. It takes time, we’ll get hurt along the way and we’ll want to run for cover. And we don’t need to. Our stories are the road map to who we are and by now, we have all acquired them and they’re tangled, flawed and filled with glorious detours and complex adventures. If we care enough about someone to want to build a future, then let’s get real with each other and experience our travels together. Let’s hold space within us for every part of how we got here and how they got here. No walking on eggshells. No filtering for fear of being misjudged. No burden of wondering what they’re thinking and if they’ll use it against us later. That’s how we learn about each other. That’s how we know if we fit. We can guard our hearts with self imposed protective mechanisms or we can expand them with fearless acts of love that require risk and growth. Cracking ourselves wide open, breaking through those emotional barriers is a process that pays us in big rewards of a deeper intimacy that includes shared security, finely honed emotional intelligence and belonging. Awww, belonging.

Isn’t that what we all want?