Coming Up For Air

In August of 2013, I screwed up pretty bad at work. It was weeks after my 2nd divorce. I dropped the ball with some important clients that affected my team and our profit margin, so my boss took me aside for a talk. I knew what was coming. I was sure he would fire me, I deserved it and was prepared. I was overwhelmed by the weight of the loss, my new dysfunctional living arrangements, concern for my daughter, the grief from my recent broken marriage and what I thought was my broken life. All the pain came pouring out of me as I sat face to face with him, explaining my embarrassment, owning my actions and apologizing for my mistakes. Truth is I needed that job, but I didn’t know if I could do better. I was depleted. Part of me was ready to just let go of any responsibilities and pull the covers over my head. I came undone in front of my boss, someone who had mentored and guided me and never should have had to hear my personal dilemma or see my tears. I didn’t just tear up either, I ugly cried from the core of every crushing blow I had ever felt. It was a nervous breakdown. Yes, I knew at that moment I was done. But something extraordinary happened. 

This man showed me compassion when he could’ve shown me the door. 

He gave me the gift of time, a two week leave of absence, to heal emotionally. To grieve. And even though I knew he thought I probably wasn’t coming back, as did everyone on my team, he made me feel as though he had all the faith in the world in me. I needed that. Unbeknownst to anyone, I was fragile, falling, and shattered. I was as sick as I had ever been from my autoimmune disorder and the stress of my life was killing me, my insides were literally collapsing and coming out. Those two weeks felt sacred to me. I used them to lean into every feeling I was experiencing, to allow the ache of my sadness to wash over me, to search in the depths of my soul and reconnect with that part of myself that had been buried and suffocated.

I did come back with my skills and motivation intact, and began building working relationships with some amazing people, whom I cherish as friends to this day. When I ended up requiring surgery a few months later and had to take an extended leave, this company created a job for me to step back into, that adapted to my physical limitations. Because they believed in me. And that doesn’t come along everyday. 

I’m not fragile anymore, I’m certainly not shattered, and as I fell, I learned to fly. And it started with the grace of one man who took the time to hear me with his heart instead of the bottom line.

I still can’t talk about this experience without choking up because it is so deeply personal and relevant to who I am at this very moment, and I can”t help but see the parallels of that time in my life to this pandemic and its global effects. It was filled with chaos and uncertainty, urging me to show up in the world with clarity and intent, my integrity unfettered. It was a painful, sorrowful journey laced with beauty and goodness, that demanded self-awareness and growth from me. Now, more than ever, we have the ultimate opportunity to peel back the layers of our character, revealing our highest, best selves. While I search for ways to navigate through the current situation that is bending and twisting our world with hatred, anger and confusion, I keep in mind that one act of human kindness can change a person forever. That has been gifted to me so often, and it is only right that I offer the universe that in kind. 

Life continues to teach me, forge my resilience, leading me to softer responses, a kinder existence. Everyday I get to choose who I will be. I will show empathy even when I’m hurting, I will wear a mask and smile through my eyes to encourage others, I will not call the guy that pulled out in front of me an asshole, most importantly I will focus on gratitude so I can rise above the fear and move forward daily with purpose and hope for a more peaceful planet. Something we need so desperately.

And it begins with me.