Change In My Pocket

You know all that spare change? The pennies, nickels and dimes that jangle in your pocket or your wallet, weighing it down until eventually you put it on the dresser and then finally into a glass jar, thinking that someday you’ll cash it all in for some real money. For a mani/pedi, a week’s worth of lattes, a road trip or a dream vacation!

That was my life. All this change…divorce, losing my home, illness, dream marriage, a new family, leaving my religion, divorce #2, moving, crazy-ass roommate, moving again, surgery with the threat of dying, my kids flying the nest, and all at once, my whole life looked different, and so much of it had happened in that very difficult past year, leaving me on shaky ground.

All that change was piling up in a jar. And I could feel the weight of it, and I realized I needed to cash it all in. Turn it into something that I could spend. Like a life that called to me. 

Numerous windows were opening around me. In the beginning though, those windows felt like walls that were closing in on me. It felt so isolating to face all these losses and uncertainty. I wasn’t recovering as planned, which limited what I could do at my job so I had no financial security. I was working on my emotional recovery too, coming to grips with my continued health issues, and knew I needed to focus on me. Suddenly having time and no commitments was a gift to me instead of an abyss of fear. An opportunity presented itself for me to visit North Carolina and I decided to just move instead. The truth is I had always wanted to live somewhere else, try something different. Be adventurous. I never did that when I was in my teens or my 20’s. So why not now?? Why not fly the nest I had so comfortably nestled into and reclaim my joy? 

People wonder what kind of person would just sell everything, pack up and move across the country, sight unseen, and start a new life…I get that question all the time, even now after 5 years. Some even wonder if I’m hiding something…I don’t know, a criminal past perhaps, some kind of deep dark secret like an alias as a boot wearing cage dancer, yeah right, or maybe a black widow killer with a dead body in my trunk…who knows?? I guess it’s brave but it’s also just not that strange to me. Timing is everything. And the timing presented itself and I was ready. I wasn’t running or hiding and fleeing. I was ready to move forward, fly out the open window, really take charge and step into my life. And it was scary and exciting and something that called to me, so I listened. I embraced the change.

I talked to my kids who gave me their love and full support because they’re awesome like that. They even said, “Mom, if you don’t like it you can always leave.” Pretty smart. So I made a plan (that eventually fell apart), took what would fit in my car, and did it. And nothing that I planned happened, not even the plan l made after the first plan fell apart. Yet everything I didn’t count on became the most wonderful, adventurous time of my life. I didn’t know what to expect from the people here, from this new culture that I had never experienced, how I would be received or what I would do to fill my time. But I trusted. And it all worked itself out, and continues to. I am still in constant transition. Still finding my way. But I’m happy, I see beauty everywhere, because that’s what I choose. And I miss my kids like crazy, my people, the comforts of home. And I love my new life, my new people, the comforts of here. I am home now.

Life is change. Some we create, some that is thrust upon us. It’s time to take all that change and turn it into something you want. A move. A new career. A heart wide open to love again. A dream vacation. A new skill. A new lease on life. Whatever.

It doesn’t have to be big and profound, it just has to be what speaks to YOU!! Because on the other side of that voice is where joy lives!

There will probably never be a point when you’re not afraid. Just a point when you decide it’s ok to be afraid and do it anyway. That’s called Bravery. So. Do. It.

When this sheltering in place order lifts, cash in that spare change and spend it, before it’s too late.