Relationships

Truth And A Grace Filled Uncoupling

2 Comments / Coping, Courage, Personal Growth, Relationships / By / April 18, 2021

I’m gonna say this one more time, really loud for the people in the back. And mostly for me, who stubbornly needs to be reminded. 

                                                     Trust. Yourself. 

There is no truth in the world like the truth inside of you. Nothing else will ever be more true, more accurate than that. Nothing else will guide you back to self more than that. Truth doesn’t have to be loud to be real, in fact, truth comes quietly, with a Knowing, with consistency, with a breath of fresh air kind of calm. Truth is not some chaotic trumpet blaring but the quiet recesses of our soul churning for change. It’s literally craving, waiting, yearning for your attention so it can help you navigate through your life. I’m also going to say that it’s really hard. Because it asks you to have courage, step away from your comfort zone, and oftentimes let go of things, ideas and people you love. AND it’s worth practicing and practicing and practicing, pain and all, until you become skilled at it because your truth wants nothing more than to be heard and honored so it can guide you to the meaning, purpose and fulfillment you seek. 

I recently had to face the man that I love more than anything in this world, a man I’ve shared an epic romance with, a man who has brought me undeniable joy, ease and light and tell him that the nature of our relationship was not working for me and I needed to make a change. A dramatic one. That was the truth in my gut that I did not want to give a voice to. As much as I believe in following my intuition and know it’s right, I had a very difficult time wanting to know this. I sifted through these subtle voices for months, seeking clarity to make sure that the emotional toll of quarantine, my extreme work schedule and other factors weren’t affecting my judgement. I realigned every aspect of my life to gain balance. This conversation was a necessary part of that even though it hurt my heart tremendously. More than I could ever give words to. I will tell you that the truth doesn’t come with a road map, your next step or any kind of security. It’s fucking scary and uncertain. It just plops down and stays until you take heed with blind trust and it is only after you have the hard conversation, after you say the words that stick in your throat and are painful to hear, after you put yourself out on an emotional limb with no idea of the outcome, that the peace of your decision sinks into you. Still hard, yes, still sad, yes, still painful, absolutely yes. And there’s also this, that when you make a decision from your truth it settles into your being without chaos, without second guessing, without doubt in the aftermath. This is what will get you through.

I won’t share the details of why this amazing man and I are transitioning into a different kind of relationship but I will say this, it’s not your traditional breakup. Those words are appropriate in many cases, but ring with toxicity and taste bitter in my mouth for us. We didn’t break. Nothing burned out between us, we didn’t stop caring about each other, our passion didn’t fade and we still love and respect one another. We simply discovered that being live-in partners in a long term committed relationship was asking more of us than we could give and recognized some things that couldn’t be resolved because we were each in very specific and different places. No right or wrong, blame or anger. I know this with certainty, that you can have something rare and wonderful, unique and glorious and still have an obstacle between you that’s invasive enough to make you reassess and seek perspective. 

Most of us are simply too paralyzed by fear to step away from something beautiful and free fall into the unknown. I sure was. However, the majority of our distress, anxiety and pain in life and romance stems from trying to force things that shouldn’t be or existing within expectations that don’t meet our situation while trying to live someone else’s idea of what ‘good enough’ looks like. Turns out that Tommy was feeling the same as I was and couldn’t give it a voice. The only reason I said it first was because I had the skill set and he didn’t. That’s all. Once we had the conversation and moved through the shock and hurt we realized it was mutual. Bittersweet, a bit tragic even, but yes, mutual and the right thing for us. He said I actually saved our relationship by taking a reflective look and giving us both an opportunity to view ourselves honestly. It opened a door for growth. 

Tommy and I spent two weeks in a deep state of awareness, grace and introspection, quietly nurturing each other during our grief of letting go and in that time we shared our emotions with complete transparency, something he had had difficulty doing under the pressure of an actual relationship. Because we are dear friends at our core, we have been doing some incredible healing and growing together through this passage from being exclusive romantic partners into whatever we’re going to be next. We’re not sure what that looks like and we are taking it moment to moment with unabashed honesty. When we first began to recreate and redefine our union, one of the things we absolutely knew was that we wanted to remain present in each other’s lives. We enjoy each other’s company too much not to, and the ease and natural connection between us remains with no awkwardness or strain. We also understand one of the greatest gifts we received from this conversion was learning to talk about the things that people don’t talk about. We’re coming to terms with some insights we’ve gleaned about ourselves, like maybe we weren’t what we thought we were individually when we were a couple. Maybe our skills didn’t match our desire to cohabitate. There’s power in acknowledging what you can and can’t bring to the table during specific seasons of your life. 

Because we do get asked, I wanted an answer that felt authentic for what we’re doing. For me, the most resonating and descriptive term is Conscious Uncoupling, which many first heard from Gwyneth Paltrow several years ago. She was mocked fiercely because people rail against what they cannot comprehend. As a society we’re much more comfortable with toxic terms like breakups, divorce, ghosting and exes. The phrase has actually been around since the 1940’s and requires a deep level of self-awareness and owning the things that you can work on to bring forth a more amicable resolution outside of a partnership. It’s seeing your partner as a teacher and thus understanding that the relationship didn’t fail, so much as invite you to grow. You can only do that with someone who’s not abusive or narcissistic. We came to realize just how important our time together has been in teaching us how to love openly, to show our vulnerabilities by revealing emotional layers, and because we are being so forthcoming we are determining what we want our existing connection to look like and how that will manifest. This has been so healthy for me, allowing me to remain in my truth through every interaction since we separated.

I know this will make some people uncomfortable, confused even, it may be misunderstood, questioned and viewed as unorthodox because it is. We’re trying to navigate how to have an ongoing relationship that doesn’t involve a commitment or a future and honors all the beautiful things we are. It feels more right then never seeing each other again. We’re both adults and realize that there are many ways this could turn out so the only thing we can do is be clear with each other at every moment and do what feels right and comfortable for us. If that shifts then it’s time to transition again. We’ll explore the unthinkable in an uncommon way and see if we can do it without splintering. And while we don’t need people to understand, the purpose of me sharing this is so you know that the only right way to do anything is by doing what’s right for you. And how do you know what that is? 

                                  Follow Your Truth Every Time.

I understand that our love has been a beacon of hope for many and I so want that to remain. Don’t be sad for us, lose your faith in the power of love or your ability to find it. We’ve shared this epic love story and that didn’t go anywhere. Love is still very much alive in us, between us, in the world and especially in you. Our capacity to love is still very much intact and just because we discovered that some of the things we were living weren’t a fit for us as a couple doesn’t mean that all things beautiful aren’t possible. We have enjoyed an extraordinary experience and would choose this all again. Even with the heartache. We’re so fortunate. Loving this man has opened me in ways I never thought possible and actually didn’t even know existed. Now that I know, it expands my world, not makes it smaller. Perhaps, that’s really what love is for. 

Trust Your Gut

4 Comments / Coping, Courage, Personal Growth, Relationships / By / March 21, 2021

Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I’m overreacting. Sure, everything in me is screaming that something isn’t right…but, nah, I’m probably just overthinking. Or being too sensitive. I’ll just ignore this. 

Nope, nope, nopity nope. Stop it. You weren’t. You aren’t. That’s your instinct talking. That’s YOU. It is giving you the ding, ding, ding of the warning bell, the information you need, the answers you seek. We, especially as women, spend so much time asking our voice to guide us then avoiding the very thing it offers. Because we don’t like the sound of the truth when it requires us to do something hard or mean. Leave the relationship. Change careers. Have the awkward conversation. Release a friendship. Ask to have our needs met. Hurt someone’s feelings. Make an unpopular life choice.

Silencing our inner voice is never a good decision. That divine truth that lives inside of us will always steer us like the North Star. We need to get out of our own way and allow it. 

I have literally spent years regaining the power of my own voice, which helped sharpen my intuition, after having it squelched like a cigarette butt under someone’s shoe, from age 3 through two dysfunctional marriages, well into my 50’s. That’s a lot of unpacking. A lot of trust to reestablish with myself. 

At age 21 I was consumed with strong intuitive feelings telling me not to go through with my first marriage and mistook them for “Cold Feet.” That was socially acceptable. I thought I was experiencing fear since I had never seen an appropriate model of marriage. I vowed to push through it. Boy, was I off base. What I didn’t realize is that it was actually an admonition. Cold Feet isn’t a thing. It’s a sign that something’s wrong. We’ve normalized that phrase which only lends itself to women everywhere ignoring what they know and going through with the biggest decision of their lives for a myriad of reasons that have little to do with love or the union of matrimony itself. That part of my life blessed me with my daughters and over time taught me to reacquaint my whole being with that vital subconscious reasoning that always knows. My marriage was a mess, I was being subtly, verbally abused and gaslighted, doing the financial and emotional heavy lifting, while raising our children, and I felt crazy. I began to dig deep and from that came understanding of the profound correlation between the choices I made without enough information and the all times I had ignored my ‘gut’. It was unfamiliar to me, that nudging, yet it followed me with consistency and a soft, quiet invitation. It took time and patience as I relearned how it felt, how it spoke to me, and how it manifested in my body. Because it does. Listening became everything. I discovered that my Knowing is as reliable as the sun rising and it demanded my attention if it was going to serve me well. 

I don’t ignore that shit now. It’s sacred ground to me.

So, how do you learn to trust your own discernment after your voice has been silenced and you can no longer hear what’s going on inside? Baby steps. You start realigning with your core feelings. Without judgement or harsh criticism. You quiet the chatter from anything outside yourself and approach life with intention. As you honor it, you will get better at noticing your knee jerk reactions versus your healthy responses. You will heed those “something’s not right’ moments without hesitation. Eventually, you won’t need others to validate what you hear because you will align with your inherent gift.

As women, we tend to question our worthiness to feel, to take up space in a room, so second guessing it is easy. But your intuition is a force that encompassess all aspects of your life, from how you show up in a conflict to the everyday decisions that create how you live. It is your superpower. Many of us are also nurturers who emote, crave meaningful conversations, and bring a fresh perspective of emotional intelligence to the table. We express ourselves openly. Makes sense that our mental stability is often the first point of attack when someone wants to discredit us. It’s an easy scapegoat and a place to put their discomfort. They will accuse you of overreacting. Being too sensitive. Not thinking things through. Being, god forbid, too ‘emotional’. Yeah, that word. Without fail I have seen that from people who struggle with their own expressions of vulnerability and have no frame of reference for navigating their feelings. When they begin to plant seeds of doubt and you believe them on any level it will perpetuate a negative ripple effect on how you hear your own voice. 

I’m an empath and struggled with that for years since it is often perceived as weakness. I cry when I’m afraid, hurt or feeling small. It’s not a defensive weapon, it’s an expression, an attribute I’m learning to embrace instead of feeling shame about. My tears inform me. I am a heart on my sleeve gal. I feel deeply, not just my own energy, but that of others. I love intensely. I laugh loud. I live with passion and purpose. I have complex layers and tangible energy which means I have always been told I was too much from those who couldn’t tolerate the intensity. 

I’m not. You’re not.

We’re exactly who we should be.

Look, you’re a bright woman. You know if you’ve got your shit together, so embrace that with confidence. Some days you’ll show up with integrity and all your communication skills intact, some days you’ll be an irritable, exhausted train wreck. We all have bad days. We all get short tempered. We all react when we should listen. We’re human. Finding your way back to trusting what you already know will be the best gift you ever give yourself. No bad decision was ever made from intuition. Those all come from NOT paying attention!

If you have a hunch, a nagging feeling, a persistent whispering, LISTEN. When you are in a situation that requires your response. LISTEN. Let that response flow from your well of truth. It’s uniquely yours. If you have a difficult choice to make, let your instincts guide, then sit with it and see how it feels in you. Truth is palpable, softens the edges and doesn’t need proving. It’s not about someone being right or wrong, it’s about what is authentic for YOU. And don’t let that guy, that gal, that friend, that partner, that family member, or anyone other than yourself tell you any different. It may bring unwanted revelations, but it’s never wrong.

Intuition is the constant that leads us back to self.

Trust. Your. Gut.

Where’s My Closure??

4 Comments / Personal Growth, Relationships / By / February 5, 2021

You know what I’m talking about…

You’ve just come off a relationship that felt like it had a future, with a friend, partner, whatever, but it’s fallen apart. It’s reached its conclusion and is now keeping you simmering in self doubt, searching for some kind of cosmic reasoning, unable to enjoy the here and now and whatever good thing is waiting around the corner for you. I’ve seen people hang on to a dead end for years. If you’re holding out for closure in a relationship that isn’t happening, let me share something with you. Darling, you don’t need it. This isn’t a cliche or cheap platitude but a truth I have found my way through. 

Closure is the gift we give ourselves when we make a decision to stop. To stop ruminating. To stop engaging. It happens when we step away emotionally from something. Anything. No matter who set it in motion. We accept it. Period.

It’s not pleasant and none of us enjoy the feeling of shifting in the wind, unanswered questions floating in the universe while we’re left scratching our head at the outcome. Oftentimes, even if we are the instigator, we crave answers. Sometimes though, all that’s available to us is grief, confusion, loss. 

There are psychological reasons we desire closure that include making sense of the story we have told ourselves about what we are building with this person, and when it comes to a screeching halt it naturally leaves us reeling. First of all, most of us are good hearted and don’t want to hurt the other person so there’s a huge emotional investment, and secondly we are creatures of comfort and find solace in tidy conclusions. In an ideal world, we would be able to sit down, have a conversation with this person of significance, be honest about the relationship so we could begin to understand the breakdown, learning our way from there to healthier interactions. Wouldn’t that be beneficial?! Yeah, it happens sometimes, but rarely and for a myriad of reasons. What then? 

That’s when we choose to create what we need for ourselves. Seriously. We may not like it or even grasp it all, but the moment we arrive in that place of owning the situation, it belongs to us, as well as our power to change our perspective and the peace that accompanies it. 

Wherever it originated, one of you made a decision to do what was best for yourself and that’s enough. That’s always enough. You ended something. Or they ended something. All the blaming and lamenting is never going to make sense of things that don’t make sense. It is what it is and this is your gift now. Yes, a fucked up gift, but a gift just the same. You are entitled to take all the time you need to get through it, past it, around it, over it or whatever you have to do to move on, because that process will teach you. And your first step is the act of staking claim to it. Always. That’s where all healing begins. If you can’t find common ground in the result, don’t spend one minute of your precious energy worrying about what they’re thinking, or if that final conversation will offer you clarity and clear things up. Because, chances are, if it hasn’t already, it won’t. Maybe light years down the road, but honey, don’t bank on that. Don’t put your life on hold for that. Bank on YOU!

Trust me when I tell you your questions will be answered as your life unfolds and your experiences play out before you. You don’t need to look back and wonder if you could have done more, been different or changed anything…because you will be sitting with your feelings for a long time after this and if you’re paying attention, you will hear the answers that will propel you forward. It turns out that it will be all about how you can grow from here, what your patterns are, what you want more of, what you want less of and what you will do differently for YOU. NOT how you can reach back and fix something behind you. Hopefully they’re over there doing their own work, growing in their own understanding but if they’re not that’s okay. Because you are. 

My second marriage had a great deal of wisdom to bestow on me. After I walked away physically from my husband and worked through some pain, we were able to open a dialogue in the hopes of recovering. We blended a family and that meant something to me. He wanted me back, I knew I wasn’t going and told him as much, but I believed we could create something beautiful from the wreckage. UGH! That did not serve me well. It took me a long time to realize that I was clinging to the what ifs, what might have beens, and some sense of loyalty to our history. That was a horrible, ineffectual feeling that kept me stuck, even as I moved on. 

I had to get real about how damaging that marriage truly was and stop hanging my star on some broken promise. The abusive nature of the relationship and his propensity for pathological distortions of truth colored my thinking, warping my ability to make decisions. Those layers took time to peel away. He was never going to be transparent about his actions, no matter what empty words he offered me. He was incapable. His lies became his truth. 

I remember the moment when that became okay. I didn’t need him so I could heal, move on, or understand. I understood me. I did the work. I knew my heart. I saw my wounds clearly. I was open to growth. Once I realized that I owed him nothing and he wasn’t worthy of my friendship because he was an abuser, I set myself free. At the pristine advice of a friend, I actually did an energy ritual where I wrote him a letter and burned it in a fire pit, on the night of a blue moon. It was cathartic, beautiful and very effective to sever those ties between us that he kept twisting, even though we were on different sides of the country. Powerful and liberating. It was through that experience I learned that closure comes from within. It’s not some magic answer that hides in the heart of another person, a conversation of clarity, or a cleansing of conscience. It simply flows from within. Just like everything else. 

A complicated breakup can fill us with remorse and all its unanswered questions. The ‘how did this happen’, ‘how did I get here’ and ‘why wasn’t I enough’ can rob us of our peace of mind. I think it is human nature to be plagued with lingering doubts when faced with an epilogue, but it was in my ambiguity that I heard my inner voice and learned to trust my Knowing. Ultimately, it was about me, my self discovery and comprehension. That’s it. I’m all I can control. It changed me forever in the best possible way. 

I have remained friends with my exes who have approached our transition as adults with fluid conversation and consideration. In situations where closure is absolutely unavailable, it is possible to reframe your thinking, changing the outcome of your feelings and subsequent responses. I have found that releasing my expectations for ‘meaning’ is very helpful. I acknowledge that sometimes people grow apart, feelings fade, respect wanes, and even the loveliest things aren’t salvageable. Bad things happen. Seasons end. Relationships run their course.

                                                                 NEXT.

                                       It’s not easy. It is simple. And it’s waiting for you. 

Connecting Through Transparency

6 Comments / Courage, Personal Growth, Relationships / By / January 29, 2021

Transparency. That mutually shared magic of being completely uninhibited about who you are and what you feel. 

Transparency exposes a level of vulnerability that many people are afraid of because it means we unveil our deep, protected selves, from the past we’ve learned our way through, to the missteps we’ve made and all our attributes in between, both magnificent and messy. We open ourselves to the arduous conversations, the words that aren’t always pretty to hear or easy to say. Raw honesty. We show this a little at a time as we begin to feel comfortable and secure with someone, a potential partner or best friend, in the hopes that they will see all the cracks in our veneer, still want to know more, accept and keep it all safe. To me, transparency is the cornerstone of sustainable love in a relationship, both in how we offer and receive it, and the catalyst for all future honesty. We create lasting connections and intricate intimacy by how we foster trust because we step away from our armor, our walls, laying our souls bare. We recognize the humanness that forges us together. It’s a scary, beautiful thing. Without that safety we carry our fragility and our deep-seated self-belief with caution, secretly withholding, feeling that maybe we’re too broken to be truly and unconditionally loved.

Let’s face it, revealing ourselves is risky because we can only meet people where they’re willing to meet themselves. What if they reject us? I hear it all the time, the recounts of people who have been betrayed and then found themselves spirling in a sea of self doubt, unable to see beyond the hurt that results in building walls that don’t really offer protection but keep them from the deepest intimacy they can form with someone. The second a person recklessly misuses our vulnerability they actually make us the weapon. That’s a deep fracture of confidence stealing trust that’s difficult to recover from. It takes courage to stay open and not allow that breach to ruin you. 

My second husband knew me better than anyone and saw me with startling insight that I had never experienced. Which made his betrayal all the more devastating. I didn’t see it coming, how he would use my stories, my wounds, my victories, those delicate pieces of my heart I entrusted to him, twisting and turning them to his advantage, until they became dull knives slashing into my very existence. Gaslighting. Vicious verbal assaults. They left me numb and confused. I sought desperately to understand the source of his fragile insecurities, ignoring my own need to be protected, mistaking sacrifice for marital compromise, because that was my instinct. Oh, the lies we are spoon fed about marriage. There was a defining moment when I felt my soul withering away, dimming my light so low I could not reach out to it. It nearly destroyed me before I recognized it, left him and walked toward something new. Never. Again. The aftershock of my fractured marriage left me feeling shattered, irreparably damaged, unable to take my next breath. Or so I thought. As my feelings flooded to the surface, no longer crushed under the weight of his cruelty, I allowed myself the time to fall apart and slowly heal. It was the closest I ever came to a mental breakdown, sitting in my closet, sobbing from my gut so hard I couldn’t breathe as I grieved the future I had hoped for, the broken promises to our children, the jarring reality that I was blinded by an idea of love that left me feeling used and stupid. I refocused, listened, honored my process, and offered myself the grace to find my way back to me. It taught me a powerful lesson and would end up being my Phoenix moment, my rise from the ashes. I saw with glaring clarity that anyone’s destructive behavior is about them, not me, and I can’t save them from it or love them through it no matter how strong our connection is. I took baby steps to regain my confidence, find my footing and reestablish trust with my own inner voice. I was determined that no one would ever take my power from me again and that meant full on self-love and acceptance of my entire story, my strengths, my flaws, and who I am because of it. Without shame, apology or regret. I made a decision to keep living with a heart wide open, knowing it may break and I’m in charge of how I put it back together. I’ve done it before, I can do it as many times as it takes. 

I share this to remind you you’re not alone. All the things I didn’t know affected me deeply for a very long time, tutoring me in what I know now. I do better because I know better. So can you. 

Obviously not all situations are this extreme or abusive. Sometimes we end up with a really good person who simply lacks the skills to dig deep, has unresolved trauma, insecurities or an inability to communicate that has nothing to do with us. They may be willing to grow, or they may not, and we can learn to read the nuances then decide to move forward, or move on. 

If you’re lacking transparency in any of your current relationships, take a step back to reflect. Breathe deep and feel what your body is telling you. About you. About them. Do you find yourself withholding from your partner, not being you, because you feel self-reproach about something? Or, do you feel cautious sharing because they have indicated they will have difficulty hearing you objectively and you don’t feel safe? Healthy relationships thrive on reciprocal honesty and that takes some pretty serious self awareness. If you carry shame or embarrassment about your own past it can affect the way you hear someone else’s, even if you love them, and visa versa. A little introspection is necessary when we’re merging ourselves with someone. 

We’ve all been wounded on different levels and at the end of the day it’s pretty simple. I think as humans, we just want to belong. Life is about finding those people who embrace us for all we are. Not everyone will and that’s okay. It takes time, we’ll get hurt along the way and we’ll want to run for cover. And we don’t need to. Our stories are the road map to who we are and by now, we have all acquired them and they’re tangled, flawed and filled with glorious detours and complex adventures. If we care enough about someone to want to build a future, then let’s get real with each other and experience our travels together. Let’s hold space within us for every part of how we got here and how they got here. No walking on eggshells. No filtering for fear of being misjudged. No burden of wondering what they’re thinking and if they’ll use it against us later. That’s how we learn about each other. That’s how we know if we fit. We can guard our hearts with self imposed protective mechanisms or we can expand them with fearless acts of love that require risk and growth. Cracking ourselves wide open, breaking through those emotional barriers is a process that pays us in big rewards of a deeper intimacy that includes shared security, finely honed emotional intelligence and belonging. Awww, belonging.

Isn’t that what we all want?

The High Road Is Paved With Rewards

Leave a Comment / Courage, Personal Growth, Relationships / By / November 5, 2020

I’ve been taking the high road for a really long time, largely for my survival and I have learned to love the view from here. It’s a stark contrast to the view from the low road and I know that because I’ve been on both. Problem with the low road is that you’re always meeting someone at a level that is less than desirable, that lacks integrity and just simply doesn’t feel good. We often take the low road because we’re hurt, angry or offended and we feel like the best way to fight back is to dig our heels in, sadly not even recognizing where we land. Smack dab in the middle of an overpopulated traffic jam of ass-holery. There is no shortage of people needing to feel right or prove their point. We’re human and we don’t like feeling attacked so our initial response in any given aggressive situation can be a knee jerk emotional one that leads us to make thoughtless choices with unfortunate outcomes.  

I was reminded of this the other day when we had a slight altercation with one of our neighbors over guest parking. So. Stupid. Guest parking is open to everyone and we have been using it for Tommy’s work van and our neighbor decided to get snippy about it. She did not do the polite thing and come speak to me, instead she went to the HOA board, then put a note in our door and it just became this whole unnecessary, lengthy thing. She claims it was because Tommy’s work van was parked too close to her kitchen window and she’s worried about Covid (although why then would she come up on our porch and touch our screen door is beyond me…but I digress). If that’s true she’s entitled to her fears about Covid, although overreacting in my opinion, and if that’s not true then she’s just being disagreeable and territorial. Either way she has no right to ask us to move the van because that is common shared space, open to everyone. This went on for over a week and the energy was unpleasant. Tommy and I discussed it and while we both acknowledged that he had done nothing wrong I ultimately asked him to move the van. Because we have the extra space and additional guest parking. Also, we can afford to give her the benefit of the doubt. It’s not the first and will not be the last encounter I have with someone bitchy, and let’s get real, none of us like those experiences. What I like even less though is stooping to someone else’s poor behavior because it leads to an unhealthy pattern, ultimately determining who I am as a person. My response is my responsibility. I believe in The Law of Attraction and the power of vibrations and I cannot sustain those high positive energy flows if I am focused on something that is stealing my joy. I prefer the kinder, softer feeling I get when I make the decision to do the thing that aligns with my values and desire for peace. So when I’m faced with any situation that requires me to choose I try to step away from being reactive and lean heavily into my own truth and integrity, shifting my perspective from there. It’s a matter of taking the other person and emotion out of the equation and recognizing what is the most right thing I can do. This is not about me trying to be a pleaser, a peacemaker or a doormat. This is for my well-being. Period. What does it cost me to take the high road? It may hurt my pride, it may make me feel like they’ve won something they didn’t deserve, but at the end of the day who really cares? What…they win because they got to tell us what to do? No. We win because we didn’t continue to carry around useless baggage or start a war over an insignificant battle. 

I have faced many opportunities in my life where I have had to make tough decisions about my reaction against some pretty horrible people. I have been abused by depraved men and women, been taken advantage of by family who I thought I could trust and none of it, none of it, warranted anything less than my best self. It doesn’t mean it was easy or I gave them a free pass to walk on me. It does mean that every resolution I make comes from the truth of who I am, not a response to someone else’s idea of who I am. A few times when I have held fast to my anger or pride, yes, there was a temporary feeling of victory but it was short-lived and it felt ugly. This isn’t news to anyone but forgiveness is usually for us not for the other person, and choosing to do the right thing, which is subjective, is seldom recognized by the other person either. Our good deeds and positive attitude toward a sticky situation are not reflective of how we’ve been hurt but the idea that we recognize our power in navigating our circumstances. Ultimately it is for us and what will diminish or enhance our life. 

I remember very consciously after my first divorce choosing to take the high road. Let me tell you, it was fiercely arduous. I had every reason to be a bitter, angry ex, share my side of the truth of our breakup, jump in and out of court and seek vengeance as I was torn apart financially, lied about and mistreated by him, my reputation being destroyed as he turned his family against me, the only real family I had known for 20 years. I was alone, broke, terrified and could see that my daughters were already suffering from the fallout. I could not feed that. Sadly, no amount of retribution on my part would have made any of that go away. I would have only added to a shitstorm that was already brewing and all I would have done was end up stinking. I held my ground and my emotional parameters as I refused to crawl down to his despicable level, a decision I have never regretted. It didn’t change him, but it changed me. I had one job after my divorce and that was to be an example to my children. I needed all my energy for raising healthy daughters with love, balance and appropriate boundaries and that left no room for hateful indignation. I simply could not do what was needed if I was focused on anger or blame. I had a very defining moment one morning that I will never forget. Everything was crashing down around me, I was facing uncertainty, swirling with emotions and had just been diagnosed and had surgery for malignant melanoma. I caught my reflection in the mirror and I knew in that moment I had to determine who I would be. I told myself that I wanted to be able to see my face in a year and recognize who I was. That single decision propelled me forward and even though people told me I was being too nice I was committed to live in my truth and follow what I knew was best for me and my girls. I saw way too many of my friends get caught up in the whole divorce drama thing, the endless court battles, the fighting and name calling and I just couldn’t invite that into my life when I needed to move on. That grudge holding stuff keeps you stuck. 

The high road is a matter of strength and personal discipline, the art of learning to choose to act with intention instead of react with emotion. The high road is available for circumstances both small and brutally damaging. It offers you the scope of the big picture and reminds you how very insignificant most of our squabbles are. It’s not always popular and in a society where getting one up on somebody is the norm and being a hater is acceptable, choosing something more admirable can be challenging, but wow, it is so rewarding. You’ve gotta release the whole ‘I’m right, you’re wrong’ thing and hold fast to the idea that with every decision you make regarding another human you are becoming more or less of who you want to be. We are always becoming something. Taking the high road, like having integrity or a strong work ethic when no one is watching, is a beautiful, fortifying character trait and something we can learn to do with practice. The vistas are incredible and the road is paved with contentment and serenity. I promise.

What Resistance Taught Me

4 Comments / Coping, Personal Growth, Relationships / By / October 29, 2020

There are times when we feel the effects of life’s challenges all at once, as negative circumstances twist, tangle and pile on each other, wrapping around us like an angry wind storm. It can seem overwhelming as it pulls us in, leaving us off balance. I have been hit hard recently by personal and professional situations that have left me seeking the most effective ways to navigate the next month as I pour myself into commitments that must be honored. I’m exhausted, in a great deal of pain and have very limited energy, so my resolve toward self care is vital, and how I get there will determine my well being. With an unhealthy combination of things going on around me that I could not control, I found myself struggling with my next decision, feeling annoying urgency to DO something and being constantly met by my own resistance. Everything was swirling and uncertain. In my experience, resistance means there is something I need to know and that requires my attention. In this instance it was asking me to look for more peaceful solutions than unraveling under the weight of the stress. 

In a moment of insight that took me back to something I learned a long time ago I made an intentional decision. I took a breath, released any attachment to a particular outcome and just stopped. And in stopping I surrendered. To the truth of what I could do and what I could not. To the power of what energy I would give or receive. To the emotional boundaries I would honor for myself. I chose to be in the moment of Now, which is something I always strive for but this time did with more devotion. 

Resistance by its very nature is only met with more force. Neither society, nor our often dysfunctional upbringing has equipped us well to cope with the onslaught of challenges we often face disproportionately or the negative feelings that grow from uncomfortable emotions, and it makes sense that resistance is the first place we go. We think if we push against these unwanted things we can move to the other side of it and feel better. But in doing so we end up inviting more of what we don’t want. If we could learn to remain curious we could discover more of how we respond to life and how those responses serve us. None of us like the byproduct of pain, stress, sadness, anger, fear, loss or loneliness, yet those feelings are there for our benefit just as much as any other thing we experience. For me, the only effective way to shift from resistance to complete surrender and navigate my difficult situation was to lean into what was given me, detach from and release the outcome, allow the organic ebb and flow and focus only on the things that I could change or contribute to. It’s scary because we are giving up a form of control, which we never actually had anyway, but tend to find a sense of comfort in. Through that vulnerability we create intimacy with ourselves. 

I had a friend tell me a few months ago that if she stopped working so hard to hold onto her relationship she felt that it would fail and her partner would easily walk away. I could feel that because I’ve been there. I totally understand the fear behind what she was saying and why she would want so desperately to keep trying. She is simultaneously experiencing the deep attachment of love as well as the fear of being alone and her instinct is to hold on and fight. The universal truth of resistance is a life truth, one that ripples into all of our interactions and relationships with other humans and circumstances, coming at us in full force during fight or flight mode. At some point we must determine that there are things that require our letting go and we will only recognize that by relinquishing control and sitting with the silence of our own being. 

Surrendering or detaching from the outcome is not about having negative expectations, but an important process of learning to see things for what they are. It is the art of noticing what the person, situation, or experience offers us, without prodding, pushing, or forcing anything. What is left standing after that is what is meant for us.

When I let go, what was really incredible was this new sense of awareness that became me. I could feel unpleasant things, without emotion or judgement, just acknowledgement. Without the lure of fixing it, saving anyone, talking about it, feeling a need to explain anything, or even be understood. There was just this perfect stillness. No matter how difficult or stressful things became I was able to know exactly what I needed in each given moment and none of it required a decision from me. It nurtured me instead of diminishing me emotionally. There was a recognition in me of things that were reciprocal and things that were not and sweet clarity that spilled into every part of my day. I didn’t react or fret because I wasn’t waiting for some outcome that I knew I couldn’t change anyway. I’m doing this imperfectly, as I do everything, and it takes practice but it has been my lifesaver over the last few weeks to have this emotional consistency, this stability of allowing what is and not worrying about what isn’t. 

The outcome has been no angst, anxiety, fear. Just peace. The only thing I am in control of is how I respond to any given situation. Ever. 

If life is overwhelming right now and there are too many things happening for you maybe it’s time to step back, take inventory of what you can change, what you cannot and make a decision to release everything else. When you notice your resistance to letting go ask yourself this….

What is the fear behind the feeling or emotion? What would happen if you did nothing? Would something you care about run its course and would that be the worst thing in the world? How much could your life improve if you released outcomes that didn’t belong to you? 

Resistance is a powerful tool for self discovery, a wall which when pushed through reveals us, creating space for a more peaceful existence.