Personal Growth

Perfection, It’s Not A Thing

2 Comments / Courage, Personal Growth / By / February 18, 2021

Please stop trying to be perfect. You can’t. It’s not a thing. It’s merely a definition of a thing. Perfection is the I Ching, the end, the most complete, the best, “as good as it is possible to be.” Who even knows what that is? Is there an end to being as good as we can be? I personally have never achieved that in anything or met anyone who has. Ever. Because life is messy, unpredictable, and it is in our mistakes that we grow and get better. It is when we fall that we decide to get back up, willing to see what we’re made of, knees bruised and bloody, weary from the battle. That is the character building stuff that makes life sweet.

The art of perfecting something is admirable, but Perfectionism itself only gives you one way to go. Failure. Not the kind of failure that inspires you forward but the guilt ridden kind. You will recognize your tendency to be a perfectionist by how you define failure and your internal response when you fuck up. Do you berate and beat yourself up? What is your self talk when you feel like you’ve let everyone down and why do you take on the weight of those feelings? Do you consider mistakes flaws instead of a human experience?

Perfectionism perpetuates overthinking, anxiety and fuels the notion that we are never enough, often stemming from hypercritical parents or some sort of shaming in our past. Heaven forbid we’re ever caught in our less than perfect state. It is not the same as striving to improve. Perfectionism is a whipping post built of blame and culpability that keeps us stuck. We must appear at all times to be composed and compliant with a proper standard of society. Fuck that!! As humans, we are always doing one of two things, either falling backwards or aspiring toward growth, that’s a given. Aspiring is good and I’m not saying we should stop doing that, settle or accept mediocrity. I am suggesting that we show ourselves some grace on our way to refinement. Love ourselves where we are as we move forward. Those things are not mutually exclusive. 

How about this. Instead of practice makes perfect, let’s say, 

                                                                          Practice Makes Better. 

There. Keep shining, growing, appealing to the most loving, highest version of yourself. And, like the word ‘should’, remove ‘perfect’ from your vocabulary and inner voice narrative. Otherwise, you will be disappointed every single time and continually spinning your wheels, like a hamster in a cage to be something no one even wants you to be. It’s exhausting isn’t it? Imperfect people are way more fun and relatable anyway. 

Now, I don’t mind when I hear someone say they’re perfecting or honing their craft. Those violin prodigies? They never stop practicing. They also know they’re not going to achieve a certain place of arrival, they’re smart enough to realize that perfecting means always reaching, absorbing all the knowledge available to them. Their mistakes teach them, not shame them. The best of the best are always going for it. They don’t give up because they aren’t perfect. They know that’s not real. What they are is committed, dedicated, disciplined and motivated. And human. You will see that word a lot here. They do not rely on the fallacy of a destination, they grasp the importance of the process.  

I have seen the expectation of perfectionism tear at people I love. In their desire to achieve that goal they find themselves lacking and deflated. They often quit or do nothing because they cannot find their way to that level of completeness. Especially in relationships, perfection is the antithesis of intimacy because we are caught up in thinking, not feeling. Anyone can love us when we’re perfect, but what about when we mess up? Isn’t that the real test? 

And we will mess up. We do a disservice to ourselves and those we love when we define our actions by perfectionism instead of the art of being authentic. Real.

We have all done careless, reckless or thoughtless things that have resulted in someone else’s suffering or pain. Things that make us feel remorse and maybe even unworthy. Sure that’s imperfection, and it’s also just being a beautiful human. The majority of us don’t do it with malintent, we do it because we’re learning, so we need to remember that. We are not a failure when we disappoint people, hurt our loved ones or cause someone close to us emotional or financial pain. Again, we are flawed and normal.

My light appeared after I had been shattered and put myself back together. Flawless? Not even close and don’t wanna be. That’s where all the beauty is. It shines like diamonds through the cracks, broken places, my humanness, fragility and resilience. I have made a shit-ton of missteps and gone down many roads that caused me pain and required a long, lonely walk back. All leading me to right here, right now. I regret none of it. None. I am an imperfect, sparkly masterpiece, a work in progress.  

So are you. 

As with anything in life, if it doesn’t nurture you, it’s not serving you.

Aren’t you tired of holding your breath, keeping up appearances, trying to get it right all the time, when deep down you KNOW there is no such thing as perfectly right all the time? Aren’t you tired of never living up to your own unrealistic expectations and feeling like failing is bad? You can stop now. You’re enough. Right here, right now. Not because of what you do, but because of who you are. 

Just be more of that please. 

If It Comes To Me, It’s Meant For Me

5 Comments / Courage, Personal Growth / By / February 13, 2021

You know those moments when you start feeling disconnected or unhappy with your current situation, a job, a relationship, whatever? You start turning ideas over in your head about how to do something different because you realize you’re in a state of unease. Maybe you can’t pinpoint why or really what you want to do but you keep ruminating yourself into a scenario other than what’s in front of you. 

This is the stirring of purposeful change or divine discontent. 

I used to tell my kids to heed those sensations because that’s your soul telling you something is off balance, not aligning with who you are and it’s inviting you to create a more authentic way of life. Maybe not this second, but inevitably. Emotions usually manifest through our body long before we receive the understanding in our brain, becoming a visceral experience that speaks to us quietly, on a core level, not intellectually. These whisperings don’t always make sense and are often hard to identify because they’re intangibles that many of us tend to second guess. Those are the important nuances to learn to pay attention to, because they flow from a place of internal truth. Our compass. We live in a society of distraction, busyness and overthinking, leaving little room to hear the intuitive responses that our body shares with us. It has been my experience that when I lean into those feelings with trust I am never steered wrong. I may not be able to see the outcome or how I will achieve what I want, yet, with my whole heart I know that if something comes to me, it was meant for me. This has always proven to be true.

Of course, when you’re making a life change there are many factors to consider that require a plan, sacrifice and willingness to put forth the effort. However, it always starts with a Knowing that there is something else available to you. That’s not easy because it means stepping away from comfort or stability. Relationships, for example, have intricate entanglements that make change challenging, jobs offer financial security that can be hard to walk away from, and relocating to a new area means strange and unfamiliar territory. That’s all scary stuff. Though it is scarier when we live with the regret of a life unfinished. 

Recently, I have had more than one friend who has expressed disappointment with their current situation and it has propelled them toward making new choices. BIG, life changing, brave, uncertain choices at a time in their life when they were hoping for the ease of predictability. Each one began by feeling unsettled, wanting more, then listening to where their inner voice was guiding them. Once they took action the Universe met them with opportunities. That’s how this magic works. Whether you concede to it or not, every life altering shift begins inside of you first.

It took me years to fully recognize what my intuition was and that it is always reliable. It always knows, it’s always right and it counts on me to honor its wisdom. It shows up for the small things, big things and everything in between.

My decision in 2014 to relocate from Idaho, my home of 35 years, to North Carolina, came to fruition because I had a literal dream, a vision in my sleep that would be the catalyst for the most drastic, purposeful decision of my life. The Knowing came first, this soft nudging that there was something more I hadn’t imagined waiting for me. It spoke with gentle, consistent confidence, ebbing and flowing like a bright new idea in my head that came into laser focus when I woke from my dream. It was born on the heels of loss, pain, hope and was also a commitment I made faster than buying a pair of shoes. Because I felt it deeply, I trusted and I never looked back. I’m great at transition, change was all around me, I had nothing to lose so I was open to a new adventure although the path was unclear. 

The previous year I was very sick and had gone through a painful divorce, and my sister, who was my best friend at the time, invited me to come to Raleigh, get a clean slate and some much needed respite. It was tempting to start over and let someone take care of me, but I declined. I knew in my heart if I left then it would be running away. I had emotional work to do, and I’m not an avoider. What unfolded over the next 15 months would be some of the most difficult times of my life, a baptism of fire that I absolutely had to go through to find my way to closure, healing and growth, so I could own every part of my experience. What you don’t resolve, you take with you and I knew that. My dream was a culmination of what I already held deep inside and the hard work I had achieved. It affirmed to me that the possibilities of my life were boundless. When I eventually sold my belongings, packed what would fit in my car and drove across the country, it was a complete act of stepping forward, not running away. A gigantic leap of faith with no net that would never have happened if I hadn’t been prepared and paying attention. 

Our lives will constantly present us with situations that ask us to step out of our comfort zone and when we are faced with dissatisfaction in any part of our life, our intuition is the gift that will guide us. Like any skill we want to hone, we can choose to practice the art of listening to the most important voice we will ever hear, trusting that if it comes to us, it is meant for us.

Where’s My Closure??

4 Comments / Personal Growth, Relationships / By / February 5, 2021

You know what I’m talking about…

You’ve just come off a relationship that felt like it had a future, with a friend, partner, whatever, but it’s fallen apart. It’s reached its conclusion and is now keeping you simmering in self doubt, searching for some kind of cosmic reasoning, unable to enjoy the here and now and whatever good thing is waiting around the corner for you. I’ve seen people hang on to a dead end for years. If you’re holding out for closure in a relationship that isn’t happening, let me share something with you. Darling, you don’t need it. This isn’t a cliche or cheap platitude but a truth I have found my way through. 

Closure is the gift we give ourselves when we make a decision to stop. To stop ruminating. To stop engaging. It happens when we step away emotionally from something. Anything. No matter who set it in motion. We accept it. Period.

It’s not pleasant and none of us enjoy the feeling of shifting in the wind, unanswered questions floating in the universe while we’re left scratching our head at the outcome. Oftentimes, even if we are the instigator, we crave answers. Sometimes though, all that’s available to us is grief, confusion, loss. 

There are psychological reasons we desire closure that include making sense of the story we have told ourselves about what we are building with this person, and when it comes to a screeching halt it naturally leaves us reeling. First of all, most of us are good hearted and don’t want to hurt the other person so there’s a huge emotional investment, and secondly we are creatures of comfort and find solace in tidy conclusions. In an ideal world, we would be able to sit down, have a conversation with this person of significance, be honest about the relationship so we could begin to understand the breakdown, learning our way from there to healthier interactions. Wouldn’t that be beneficial?! Yeah, it happens sometimes, but rarely and for a myriad of reasons. What then? 

That’s when we choose to create what we need for ourselves. Seriously. We may not like it or even grasp it all, but the moment we arrive in that place of owning the situation, it belongs to us, as well as our power to change our perspective and the peace that accompanies it. 

Wherever it originated, one of you made a decision to do what was best for yourself and that’s enough. That’s always enough. You ended something. Or they ended something. All the blaming and lamenting is never going to make sense of things that don’t make sense. It is what it is and this is your gift now. Yes, a fucked up gift, but a gift just the same. You are entitled to take all the time you need to get through it, past it, around it, over it or whatever you have to do to move on, because that process will teach you. And your first step is the act of staking claim to it. Always. That’s where all healing begins. If you can’t find common ground in the result, don’t spend one minute of your precious energy worrying about what they’re thinking, or if that final conversation will offer you clarity and clear things up. Because, chances are, if it hasn’t already, it won’t. Maybe light years down the road, but honey, don’t bank on that. Don’t put your life on hold for that. Bank on YOU!

Trust me when I tell you your questions will be answered as your life unfolds and your experiences play out before you. You don’t need to look back and wonder if you could have done more, been different or changed anything…because you will be sitting with your feelings for a long time after this and if you’re paying attention, you will hear the answers that will propel you forward. It turns out that it will be all about how you can grow from here, what your patterns are, what you want more of, what you want less of and what you will do differently for YOU. NOT how you can reach back and fix something behind you. Hopefully they’re over there doing their own work, growing in their own understanding but if they’re not that’s okay. Because you are. 

My second marriage had a great deal of wisdom to bestow on me. After I walked away physically from my husband and worked through some pain, we were able to open a dialogue in the hopes of recovering. We blended a family and that meant something to me. He wanted me back, I knew I wasn’t going and told him as much, but I believed we could create something beautiful from the wreckage. UGH! That did not serve me well. It took me a long time to realize that I was clinging to the what ifs, what might have beens, and some sense of loyalty to our history. That was a horrible, ineffectual feeling that kept me stuck, even as I moved on. 

I had to get real about how damaging that marriage truly was and stop hanging my star on some broken promise. The abusive nature of the relationship and his propensity for pathological distortions of truth colored my thinking, warping my ability to make decisions. Those layers took time to peel away. He was never going to be transparent about his actions, no matter what empty words he offered me. He was incapable. His lies became his truth. 

I remember the moment when that became okay. I didn’t need him so I could heal, move on, or understand. I understood me. I did the work. I knew my heart. I saw my wounds clearly. I was open to growth. Once I realized that I owed him nothing and he wasn’t worthy of my friendship because he was an abuser, I set myself free. At the pristine advice of a friend, I actually did an energy ritual where I wrote him a letter and burned it in a fire pit, on the night of a blue moon. It was cathartic, beautiful and very effective to sever those ties between us that he kept twisting, even though we were on different sides of the country. Powerful and liberating. It was through that experience I learned that closure comes from within. It’s not some magic answer that hides in the heart of another person, a conversation of clarity, or a cleansing of conscience. It simply flows from within. Just like everything else. 

A complicated breakup can fill us with remorse and all its unanswered questions. The ‘how did this happen’, ‘how did I get here’ and ‘why wasn’t I enough’ can rob us of our peace of mind. I think it is human nature to be plagued with lingering doubts when faced with an epilogue, but it was in my ambiguity that I heard my inner voice and learned to trust my Knowing. Ultimately, it was about me, my self discovery and comprehension. That’s it. I’m all I can control. It changed me forever in the best possible way. 

I have remained friends with my exes who have approached our transition as adults with fluid conversation and consideration. In situations where closure is absolutely unavailable, it is possible to reframe your thinking, changing the outcome of your feelings and subsequent responses. I have found that releasing my expectations for ‘meaning’ is very helpful. I acknowledge that sometimes people grow apart, feelings fade, respect wanes, and even the loveliest things aren’t salvageable. Bad things happen. Seasons end. Relationships run their course.

                                                                 NEXT.

                                       It’s not easy. It is simple. And it’s waiting for you. 

Connecting Through Transparency

6 Comments / Courage, Personal Growth, Relationships / By / January 29, 2021

Transparency. That mutually shared magic of being completely uninhibited about who you are and what you feel. 

Transparency exposes a level of vulnerability that many people are afraid of because it means we unveil our deep, protected selves, from the past we’ve learned our way through, to the missteps we’ve made and all our attributes in between, both magnificent and messy. We open ourselves to the arduous conversations, the words that aren’t always pretty to hear or easy to say. Raw honesty. We show this a little at a time as we begin to feel comfortable and secure with someone, a potential partner or best friend, in the hopes that they will see all the cracks in our veneer, still want to know more, accept and keep it all safe. To me, transparency is the cornerstone of sustainable love in a relationship, both in how we offer and receive it, and the catalyst for all future honesty. We create lasting connections and intricate intimacy by how we foster trust because we step away from our armor, our walls, laying our souls bare. We recognize the humanness that forges us together. It’s a scary, beautiful thing. Without that safety we carry our fragility and our deep-seated self-belief with caution, secretly withholding, feeling that maybe we’re too broken to be truly and unconditionally loved.

Let’s face it, revealing ourselves is risky because we can only meet people where they’re willing to meet themselves. What if they reject us? I hear it all the time, the recounts of people who have been betrayed and then found themselves spirling in a sea of self doubt, unable to see beyond the hurt that results in building walls that don’t really offer protection but keep them from the deepest intimacy they can form with someone. The second a person recklessly misuses our vulnerability they actually make us the weapon. That’s a deep fracture of confidence stealing trust that’s difficult to recover from. It takes courage to stay open and not allow that breach to ruin you. 

My second husband knew me better than anyone and saw me with startling insight that I had never experienced. Which made his betrayal all the more devastating. I didn’t see it coming, how he would use my stories, my wounds, my victories, those delicate pieces of my heart I entrusted to him, twisting and turning them to his advantage, until they became dull knives slashing into my very existence. Gaslighting. Vicious verbal assaults. They left me numb and confused. I sought desperately to understand the source of his fragile insecurities, ignoring my own need to be protected, mistaking sacrifice for marital compromise, because that was my instinct. Oh, the lies we are spoon fed about marriage. There was a defining moment when I felt my soul withering away, dimming my light so low I could not reach out to it. It nearly destroyed me before I recognized it, left him and walked toward something new. Never. Again. The aftershock of my fractured marriage left me feeling shattered, irreparably damaged, unable to take my next breath. Or so I thought. As my feelings flooded to the surface, no longer crushed under the weight of his cruelty, I allowed myself the time to fall apart and slowly heal. It was the closest I ever came to a mental breakdown, sitting in my closet, sobbing from my gut so hard I couldn’t breathe as I grieved the future I had hoped for, the broken promises to our children, the jarring reality that I was blinded by an idea of love that left me feeling used and stupid. I refocused, listened, honored my process, and offered myself the grace to find my way back to me. It taught me a powerful lesson and would end up being my Phoenix moment, my rise from the ashes. I saw with glaring clarity that anyone’s destructive behavior is about them, not me, and I can’t save them from it or love them through it no matter how strong our connection is. I took baby steps to regain my confidence, find my footing and reestablish trust with my own inner voice. I was determined that no one would ever take my power from me again and that meant full on self-love and acceptance of my entire story, my strengths, my flaws, and who I am because of it. Without shame, apology or regret. I made a decision to keep living with a heart wide open, knowing it may break and I’m in charge of how I put it back together. I’ve done it before, I can do it as many times as it takes. 

I share this to remind you you’re not alone. All the things I didn’t know affected me deeply for a very long time, tutoring me in what I know now. I do better because I know better. So can you. 

Obviously not all situations are this extreme or abusive. Sometimes we end up with a really good person who simply lacks the skills to dig deep, has unresolved trauma, insecurities or an inability to communicate that has nothing to do with us. They may be willing to grow, or they may not, and we can learn to read the nuances then decide to move forward, or move on. 

If you’re lacking transparency in any of your current relationships, take a step back to reflect. Breathe deep and feel what your body is telling you. About you. About them. Do you find yourself withholding from your partner, not being you, because you feel self-reproach about something? Or, do you feel cautious sharing because they have indicated they will have difficulty hearing you objectively and you don’t feel safe? Healthy relationships thrive on reciprocal honesty and that takes some pretty serious self awareness. If you carry shame or embarrassment about your own past it can affect the way you hear someone else’s, even if you love them, and visa versa. A little introspection is necessary when we’re merging ourselves with someone. 

We’ve all been wounded on different levels and at the end of the day it’s pretty simple. I think as humans, we just want to belong. Life is about finding those people who embrace us for all we are. Not everyone will and that’s okay. It takes time, we’ll get hurt along the way and we’ll want to run for cover. And we don’t need to. Our stories are the road map to who we are and by now, we have all acquired them and they’re tangled, flawed and filled with glorious detours and complex adventures. If we care enough about someone to want to build a future, then let’s get real with each other and experience our travels together. Let’s hold space within us for every part of how we got here and how they got here. No walking on eggshells. No filtering for fear of being misjudged. No burden of wondering what they’re thinking and if they’ll use it against us later. That’s how we learn about each other. That’s how we know if we fit. We can guard our hearts with self imposed protective mechanisms or we can expand them with fearless acts of love that require risk and growth. Cracking ourselves wide open, breaking through those emotional barriers is a process that pays us in big rewards of a deeper intimacy that includes shared security, finely honed emotional intelligence and belonging. Awww, belonging.

Isn’t that what we all want?

Resolute About No More Resolutions

1 Comment / Coping, Courage, Personal Growth / By / January 8, 2021

I don’t know about you but I don’t like New year’s resolutions. I never have. They have a way of making me feel less than, that I’m lacking somehow. It’s not the goals that bother me, because those are necessary, it’s the approach. If you’re one of those highly successful new-year-new-me achievers, then props to you! Seriously, I admire your resolve. But if you’re a lowly human like me who finds this daunting, then read on. 

We’re into the first week of January and I think about it every day as I see people discuss their resolutions or their disappointment of how they’ve already broken them. Really, do we need another stick to beat ourselves with?! Research proves that in those who do make resolutions there is an 8% success rate of follow through. Cool! So where does that leave the rest of us? I think if we struggle with the concept, we can reframe our thinking. Instead of trying to make ourselves over, we can acknowledge how far we’ve come and decide to love ourselves exactly where we are. This is not a new concept, but one we shy away from. Shaming is so much more socially acceptable. Why not own the resilience and courage we brought with us because of whatever we’ve been through, show ourselves some grace and give ourselves a pat on the back? We need more of that. That doesn’t mean we can’t improve, learn and strive for things that we want more of, but the objective needs to include loving ourselves. Where we are. Period. Without planning some big purposeful quest, and with the knowledge that showing up, with exactly what we have, is also enough.

In my attempts to move toward those things that bring me closer to the life I want, I have learned that we each have unique processes that are effective for our personal development.                                             

                                                    One size does not fit all.

Sometimes we are achieving monumental strides in simply surviving. 2020 gave us a lot to grow through, a plethora of emotions to identify that were foreign to us and ultimately revealed our badassery. To set a timer on transformation and frame our resolutions like a promise we can break, often carries the weight of regret, unworthiness or inadequacy. I’m giving you permission to take yourself off the hook, not that you need it. I just know that sometimes we don’t let ourselves coast until somebody tells us it’s okay. 

                              So, it’s okay. 

                                   Take a deep breath. 

                                              Enjoy where you are right now. 

If you want to know what would best serve you next then simply listen. Unless you’re a complete slug I really doubt you’re going to fall into the oblivion of apathy without a plan in place. Allow yourself to be. Remove the word ‘should’ from your vocabulary. Slow down and notice. Pay attention. To how the life you’re living makes you feel. How the people you spend your time with nurture or deplete you. How the things you spend your life doing support or take away from what you really want. We deserve this kind of self care. Not just because we’re in the middle of a pandemic that has stretched us to our limit but because we owe it to ourselves to know that anything we practice comes from a place that we design. 

This is about so much more than how we view resolutions. It’s about not buying into someone else’s idea of perfection, purpose, or anything that doesn’t come from a sphere of authenticity inside of us. If you don’t know what authenticity feels like, because you’ve been so busy living outside yourself, try this…next time you’re faced with any decision, make it, sit with it and see how it resonates in your gut. Does it belong to you, or does it come from a space that doesn’t feel organic? Do you have pangs of doubt or peace? 

It’s okay to stop doing shit we don’t want to do, and it’s especially okay to follow our own path toward anything in life that’s about us. 

I’ll confess that my disdain for resolutions came with some guilt, for not being ambitious enough, until I realized that was a lie. I have all the freedom in the world to embrace the way I move forward, and that, like everything I do comes from within. When I really listen, my Knowing always whispers what I need. The people in my life, the words I absorb, the lessons I learn along the way all help to get me there. It’s time to take back the reins of our own choices and lean into trust and intuition, which requires releasing the approval and expectation of others.

Maybe this year I’ll eat more brownies. Maybe I’ll decide to fit into that dress instead. Maybe I’ll spend more days doing nothing without regret. Maybe I’ll decide to wake up earlier, meditate and feel productive. The thing doesn’t matter, the motivation behind it does and how it makes us feel. Perhaps, after everything we would benefit most from just being present in the moment and loving ourselves so fiercely that we instinctively feel what aligns and what no longer fits. Doesn’t that sound more relaxed and less judgmental? 

As for me, I’m going to be resolute in my contentment…

                               Leaning in.

                                    Getting real. 

                                             Letting go.

                                                   Being honest. 

                                                       Practicing intention.  

                                                               Eating brownies.

The Lost Year

Leave a Comment / Coping, Courage, Personal Growth / By / January 3, 2021

2020. The Lost Year. The headline on the cover of The NY Times Magazine jumped out at me! I thought yes, that’s exactly, succinctly it. Gone, vanished. Then, I reconsidered. Maybe it wasn’t so much about the year we lost, because, after all, it is in the fabric of us now, but about finding our way through the losses. As with every time I have been in unfamiliar territory, surrounded by uncertainty and pain, it is there that I have unearthed deeper layers of myself. 

We’ve certainly experienced more than our share of the destruction in this pandemic year, crashing through unwanted waves of grief, growth, and reluctant acceptance or raging anger. Little pieces of us have been chipped away as our souls were forced to adapt to something so unexpected and unwelcome that we had to catch up just to navigate coping, even then holding on by a thread. Oftentimes, we could only subsist on the emotional fringes of whatever we were feeling at the time, as the turbulence bounced us about, day in and day out, and we did our best to show up, again and again. 

Too many to count, the casualties have been numerous, the emotional toll overwhelming, the aftermath a swirling, simmering angst filled pot of sorrow and void. 

The sad truth is that we’re never going back. Some things will never be restored. Lives taken are gone forever. Broken hearts will remain scarred. Shattered dreams lie as the ashes, unrecoverable, eventually turning back into earth. Like letting go of a beloved childhood home, we will absorb every single misplaced longing that will never again be ours. 

Yet, I keep coming back to the grace peeking behind the curtains of this great pause. The surrender I was compelled to lean into so I could come out the other side. Therein lies my gratitude. That there is another side. That through this all, there have also been beautiful, shining moments of truth, light, resilience and goodness. That the flames of human kindness have not entirely burned out. My career as a caregiver constantly nurtures my perspective. I had a client who suffered a stroke. Her life is never going to return to any semblance of the normal she once embraced with zest. She misses it and she will always miss it. She will forever face the day with only her memories and whatever she can manage from here. We, on the other hand, will go back to something recognizable, albeit altered. Eventually. And, yes, because of our collective experience, we are forever changed and maybe, more evolved or aware. So perhaps not all is lost. What if this past year has been our compass, with a huge learning curve as we learned to read it? What if this was all leading us toward Higher Ground? New perspective, more inclusive views, a broader appreciation of who we are as humans, an opportunity to offer a more loving version of ourselves. I cannot imagine that there was no purpose in this global upheaval that rocked us to our core and created such profoundly meaningful shifts.

As we give 2020 the big send off or the finger, and open our hearts to this new year, one filled simultaneously with trepidation and hope of new beginnings, I see bittersweet glimmers of transitions. Somehow, all the gaping holes of loss and letting go have given way to new found respect for what is. For that cherished circle of people that kept me afloat, no matter the physical distance. For a loving relationship, in its infancy that provided me with strength and stability. For the value of intimate gatherings that filled the empty spaces of my social connections. Like everyone else, I have ebbed and flowed through my own sense of loss, as familiar pieces of me slipped away and something else took their place, as I navigated through relentless dark days and overwhelming sorrow wondering how to identify the life I live now, instead of the one I handcrafted and carefully nurtured. I mourned then, and now, with the whole of me as I released those rituals that sustained and fed my soul with vibrancy. And with time, I allowed this to redefine what it means to live a life of quality, to honor every emotion, no matter how uncomfortable, to embrace the shadows as lovingly as the light.

Today I choose anew, for what’s next. Less judgement. More paying attention. Less fear. More trusting. Less anxiety. More breathing. Nothing will change what is. But we can change how we receive this. All of it. 

Photo Cred; NY Times

Owning My Superpower

Leave a Comment / Courage, Personal Growth / By / November 14, 2020

It took me some time to realize that I am a force and that owning that quality is empowering, not vanity. That my superpower is empathy, the depth of my ability to feel. Everything. I live life fully, outloud and, for the most part, without editing, as most anyone who knows me can attest to. I care about people’s feelings but don’t let what they think define my decisions because I align myself with my inner truth and move from there, a space where authenticity thrives, leaving no room for faking anything. That ability makes me relatable, attractive, someone that others are drawn to. I think it’s because there is freedom in being one’s true self and there’s something enviable about it when we see it in others. We live in a society where it’s an act of rebellion to feel comfortable in one’s own skin, and seeking validation from outside sources, instead of our intuition is the unhealthy norm.  

Once I finally acknowledged the reality of who I am it was a game changer. Women especially are so hesitant to do that and because we withhold, we deprive the world of our purpose and our very unique and necessary voice. For too many of us, we spend so much time hiding, pretending, trying to protect an image that isn’t attainable or even ours. We were born and bred on standing aside, accepting labels, being politely quiet, respecting people that never deserved it, giving everyone else what they needed first. That leaves very little room for allowing our truth to emerge, and when it does, we spend unnecessary time apologizing for taking up space in the world. It’s what we’ve been taught. 

When we are comfortable in our own skin, when we know our strengths and weaknesses and when we OWN that, we risk being misread, misunderstood, sounding too self assured or haughty. We also run a greater, more beautiful risk. One of giving another person permission to discover who they are. Our confidence can inspire confidence in someone else, especially a woman who has been taught to be submissive or self deprecating. It’s time to turn that negative shit into something we can use.

Seriously, I now allow myself to feel what I feel and it took awhile for me to get really secure with that, to see it as favorable and not a flaw, because it lends itself to my humanness and that’s what reaches people. I have been told by other women, and men, of course, that I cry easily, or I’m loud, or I share my opinions too freely. Yes. Yes, I do. I notice everything. That used to make me uncomfortable, because I thought I was too much. But no longer. I know the extraordinary work I’ve done to be this person and I love it here. So, thank you for pointing that out because it was during those moments of looking at myself with complete vulnerability that I became totally at ease with me! 

I claim this now with pride…I cry when something touches my heart, when I’m afraid or tired and when I feel a loss. Or when I drink too much wine. I laugh with my whole body, loud and inappropriately, over anything I find amusing. I ache with compassion for those less fortunate, struggling, being oppressed. I talk incessantly about those things that matter to me, about differences or conflicts, circumstances that make me self aware, anything that changes my outlook on life. I am passionate, loud, pain-filled, inclusive, loyal, respectful, opinionated, fair, joyful, sassy, loving and fiercely honest. The contrast is part of the magic of me. I will always choose feeling over not feeling. Because it’s real. 

Perhaps it stems from growing up in an environment where feeling was neither safe, nor permitted, and only happiness was tolerated, no matter the pain being inflicted. In the ongoing work I did to heal, the most important was reconnecting with my own emotions surrounding my feelings, and their validity, which allowed me the clarity to see exactly who I was. After peeling back excruciating layers I came to realize that it is within the essence of ALL of me that my depth of character has developed, that I exist in every nuance. I’m so grateful for that!

Our emotions reveal us and the coping techniques we develop because of them create our life skills, which in turn, informs how we show up in the world. I worked with a diverse group of abuse survivors who never acquired the adeptness to recognize their own emotions and therefore found themselves lost in either going numb to every experience, or over-emoting. I came to understand the absolute liberation in learning to recognize who I was from the inside out, with every conflicting feeling, and be totally accepting of that. It fostered balance. I still struggle sometimes with being able to identify what I’m feeling right away, but I have learned to honor where I am, pay attention to what is happening throughout my whole body and listen to what it’s telling me, without judgement. My mind body connection has been the gateway for me to see those qualities I have been given, how they have become my contributions and mostly how they help me interact with others. 

Girl, I’m here to tell you that if you’re not already, it’s time to make some noise, be obnoxious in your truth telling and take up space!! No more shying away from your own tremendousness! It’s time to uncover who you are and make that work for you! My superpower isn’t tangible, but it is palpable. Yours might be disguised as some sort of blemish you want to get rid of, but between the insights people offer you and the knowing you feel in your gut, there is a beautiful truth waiting to unfold. However you get there, it deserves to be celebrated. It is not arrogance to know yourself. It is your calling and your birthright! 

The High Road Is Paved With Rewards

Leave a Comment / Courage, Personal Growth, Relationships / By / November 5, 2020

I’ve been taking the high road for a really long time, largely for my survival and I have learned to love the view from here. It’s a stark contrast to the view from the low road and I know that because I’ve been on both. Problem with the low road is that you’re always meeting someone at a level that is less than desirable, that lacks integrity and just simply doesn’t feel good. We often take the low road because we’re hurt, angry or offended and we feel like the best way to fight back is to dig our heels in, sadly not even recognizing where we land. Smack dab in the middle of an overpopulated traffic jam of ass-holery. There is no shortage of people needing to feel right or prove their point. We’re human and we don’t like feeling attacked so our initial response in any given aggressive situation can be a knee jerk emotional one that leads us to make thoughtless choices with unfortunate outcomes.  

I was reminded of this the other day when we had a slight altercation with one of our neighbors over guest parking. So. Stupid. Guest parking is open to everyone and we have been using it for Tommy’s work van and our neighbor decided to get snippy about it. She did not do the polite thing and come speak to me, instead she went to the HOA board, then put a note in our door and it just became this whole unnecessary, lengthy thing. She claims it was because Tommy’s work van was parked too close to her kitchen window and she’s worried about Covid (although why then would she come up on our porch and touch our screen door is beyond me…but I digress). If that’s true she’s entitled to her fears about Covid, although overreacting in my opinion, and if that’s not true then she’s just being disagreeable and territorial. Either way she has no right to ask us to move the van because that is common shared space, open to everyone. This went on for over a week and the energy was unpleasant. Tommy and I discussed it and while we both acknowledged that he had done nothing wrong I ultimately asked him to move the van. Because we have the extra space and additional guest parking. Also, we can afford to give her the benefit of the doubt. It’s not the first and will not be the last encounter I have with someone bitchy, and let’s get real, none of us like those experiences. What I like even less though is stooping to someone else’s poor behavior because it leads to an unhealthy pattern, ultimately determining who I am as a person. My response is my responsibility. I believe in The Law of Attraction and the power of vibrations and I cannot sustain those high positive energy flows if I am focused on something that is stealing my joy. I prefer the kinder, softer feeling I get when I make the decision to do the thing that aligns with my values and desire for peace. So when I’m faced with any situation that requires me to choose I try to step away from being reactive and lean heavily into my own truth and integrity, shifting my perspective from there. It’s a matter of taking the other person and emotion out of the equation and recognizing what is the most right thing I can do. This is not about me trying to be a pleaser, a peacemaker or a doormat. This is for my well-being. Period. What does it cost me to take the high road? It may hurt my pride, it may make me feel like they’ve won something they didn’t deserve, but at the end of the day who really cares? What…they win because they got to tell us what to do? No. We win because we didn’t continue to carry around useless baggage or start a war over an insignificant battle. 

I have faced many opportunities in my life where I have had to make tough decisions about my reaction against some pretty horrible people. I have been abused by depraved men and women, been taken advantage of by family who I thought I could trust and none of it, none of it, warranted anything less than my best self. It doesn’t mean it was easy or I gave them a free pass to walk on me. It does mean that every resolution I make comes from the truth of who I am, not a response to someone else’s idea of who I am. A few times when I have held fast to my anger or pride, yes, there was a temporary feeling of victory but it was short-lived and it felt ugly. This isn’t news to anyone but forgiveness is usually for us not for the other person, and choosing to do the right thing, which is subjective, is seldom recognized by the other person either. Our good deeds and positive attitude toward a sticky situation are not reflective of how we’ve been hurt but the idea that we recognize our power in navigating our circumstances. Ultimately it is for us and what will diminish or enhance our life. 

I remember very consciously after my first divorce choosing to take the high road. Let me tell you, it was fiercely arduous. I had every reason to be a bitter, angry ex, share my side of the truth of our breakup, jump in and out of court and seek vengeance as I was torn apart financially, lied about and mistreated by him, my reputation being destroyed as he turned his family against me, the only real family I had known for 20 years. I was alone, broke, terrified and could see that my daughters were already suffering from the fallout. I could not feed that. Sadly, no amount of retribution on my part would have made any of that go away. I would have only added to a shitstorm that was already brewing and all I would have done was end up stinking. I held my ground and my emotional parameters as I refused to crawl down to his despicable level, a decision I have never regretted. It didn’t change him, but it changed me. I had one job after my divorce and that was to be an example to my children. I needed all my energy for raising healthy daughters with love, balance and appropriate boundaries and that left no room for hateful indignation. I simply could not do what was needed if I was focused on anger or blame. I had a very defining moment one morning that I will never forget. Everything was crashing down around me, I was facing uncertainty, swirling with emotions and had just been diagnosed and had surgery for malignant melanoma. I caught my reflection in the mirror and I knew in that moment I had to determine who I would be. I told myself that I wanted to be able to see my face in a year and recognize who I was. That single decision propelled me forward and even though people told me I was being too nice I was committed to live in my truth and follow what I knew was best for me and my girls. I saw way too many of my friends get caught up in the whole divorce drama thing, the endless court battles, the fighting and name calling and I just couldn’t invite that into my life when I needed to move on. That grudge holding stuff keeps you stuck. 

The high road is a matter of strength and personal discipline, the art of learning to choose to act with intention instead of react with emotion. The high road is available for circumstances both small and brutally damaging. It offers you the scope of the big picture and reminds you how very insignificant most of our squabbles are. It’s not always popular and in a society where getting one up on somebody is the norm and being a hater is acceptable, choosing something more admirable can be challenging, but wow, it is so rewarding. You’ve gotta release the whole ‘I’m right, you’re wrong’ thing and hold fast to the idea that with every decision you make regarding another human you are becoming more or less of who you want to be. We are always becoming something. Taking the high road, like having integrity or a strong work ethic when no one is watching, is a beautiful, fortifying character trait and something we can learn to do with practice. The vistas are incredible and the road is paved with contentment and serenity. I promise.

What Resistance Taught Me

4 Comments / Coping, Personal Growth, Relationships / By / October 29, 2020

There are times when we feel the effects of life’s challenges all at once, as negative circumstances twist, tangle and pile on each other, wrapping around us like an angry wind storm. It can seem overwhelming as it pulls us in, leaving us off balance. I have been hit hard recently by personal and professional situations that have left me seeking the most effective ways to navigate the next month as I pour myself into commitments that must be honored. I’m exhausted, in a great deal of pain and have very limited energy, so my resolve toward self care is vital, and how I get there will determine my well being. With an unhealthy combination of things going on around me that I could not control, I found myself struggling with my next decision, feeling annoying urgency to DO something and being constantly met by my own resistance. Everything was swirling and uncertain. In my experience, resistance means there is something I need to know and that requires my attention. In this instance it was asking me to look for more peaceful solutions than unraveling under the weight of the stress. 

In a moment of insight that took me back to something I learned a long time ago I made an intentional decision. I took a breath, released any attachment to a particular outcome and just stopped. And in stopping I surrendered. To the truth of what I could do and what I could not. To the power of what energy I would give or receive. To the emotional boundaries I would honor for myself. I chose to be in the moment of Now, which is something I always strive for but this time did with more devotion. 

Resistance by its very nature is only met with more force. Neither society, nor our often dysfunctional upbringing has equipped us well to cope with the onslaught of challenges we often face disproportionately or the negative feelings that grow from uncomfortable emotions, and it makes sense that resistance is the first place we go. We think if we push against these unwanted things we can move to the other side of it and feel better. But in doing so we end up inviting more of what we don’t want. If we could learn to remain curious we could discover more of how we respond to life and how those responses serve us. None of us like the byproduct of pain, stress, sadness, anger, fear, loss or loneliness, yet those feelings are there for our benefit just as much as any other thing we experience. For me, the only effective way to shift from resistance to complete surrender and navigate my difficult situation was to lean into what was given me, detach from and release the outcome, allow the organic ebb and flow and focus only on the things that I could change or contribute to. It’s scary because we are giving up a form of control, which we never actually had anyway, but tend to find a sense of comfort in. Through that vulnerability we create intimacy with ourselves. 

I had a friend tell me a few months ago that if she stopped working so hard to hold onto her relationship she felt that it would fail and her partner would easily walk away. I could feel that because I’ve been there. I totally understand the fear behind what she was saying and why she would want so desperately to keep trying. She is simultaneously experiencing the deep attachment of love as well as the fear of being alone and her instinct is to hold on and fight. The universal truth of resistance is a life truth, one that ripples into all of our interactions and relationships with other humans and circumstances, coming at us in full force during fight or flight mode. At some point we must determine that there are things that require our letting go and we will only recognize that by relinquishing control and sitting with the silence of our own being. 

Surrendering or detaching from the outcome is not about having negative expectations, but an important process of learning to see things for what they are. It is the art of noticing what the person, situation, or experience offers us, without prodding, pushing, or forcing anything. What is left standing after that is what is meant for us.

When I let go, what was really incredible was this new sense of awareness that became me. I could feel unpleasant things, without emotion or judgement, just acknowledgement. Without the lure of fixing it, saving anyone, talking about it, feeling a need to explain anything, or even be understood. There was just this perfect stillness. No matter how difficult or stressful things became I was able to know exactly what I needed in each given moment and none of it required a decision from me. It nurtured me instead of diminishing me emotionally. There was a recognition in me of things that were reciprocal and things that were not and sweet clarity that spilled into every part of my day. I didn’t react or fret because I wasn’t waiting for some outcome that I knew I couldn’t change anyway. I’m doing this imperfectly, as I do everything, and it takes practice but it has been my lifesaver over the last few weeks to have this emotional consistency, this stability of allowing what is and not worrying about what isn’t. 

The outcome has been no angst, anxiety, fear. Just peace. The only thing I am in control of is how I respond to any given situation. Ever. 

If life is overwhelming right now and there are too many things happening for you maybe it’s time to step back, take inventory of what you can change, what you cannot and make a decision to release everything else. When you notice your resistance to letting go ask yourself this….

What is the fear behind the feeling or emotion? What would happen if you did nothing? Would something you care about run its course and would that be the worst thing in the world? How much could your life improve if you released outcomes that didn’t belong to you? 

Resistance is a powerful tool for self discovery, a wall which when pushed through reveals us, creating space for a more peaceful existence.

Our Collective Grief

1 Comment / Coping, Courage, Personal Growth / By / October 9, 2020

Somewhere between the uncertainty and the coming to terms, there stirs in us a deep abiding mourning. We are a world engulfed in a perpetual state of grief. On a very palpable level our souls are exposed, vulnerable, with nothing but our internal compass to guide us, and that feels broken, off course. We are unmoored, drifting, at times quietly languishing, or simply watching the horizon, and then without warning being jarred about by angry, raging waves. 

Global Pandemic. A shot heard round the world. I believe this was the catalyst for the cavernous deprivation we would begin to feel and then internalize, with limited skills to identify the fallout and no place to put all the ensuing emotions. Incomes were ruptured, businesses irrevocably destroyed, massive death tolls mounted, our soul feeding connections were stripped from us and the music was silenced. Life as we knew it was shredded, almost overnight, accompanied by devastating losses, taking huge pieces of us with it. There were lessons in the air. We had been fractured, a house of cards society built on too much consumption, excess and exhaustion, and the universe was desperately trying to help us restore our purer selves. Prior to this, we lived life so quickly and so blissfully detached that we ignored our feelings and the feelings of others. Isolation and fear quickly cast light upon the gaping holes in our societal and economic infrastructures and mostly, our ability to self soothe, to reflect, to sit with our fear and precariousness. 

We couldn’t hear it then but it was beckoning us to look inward, to take stock, to pay attention. To find the gifts in this great pause.

But we didn’t. We slowed down out of necessity, but we didn’t cooperate, we didn’t come together. Not like we needed to. With so much uncertainty guiding us, many of us fell prey to the lure of self. Like a crack of thunder in a stormy sky. 

I think what happened next affirmed that the world was on fire, a second warning at our feet. Civil unrest exploded across our country, an opportunity for awakening in those of us who don’t experience the reality of oppression and had much to learn. Shockingly, or maybe not, our President then lit the match that fueled the fires of racism and anger that burned our cities and our spirits to the ground. This was a devastating and powerful piece of the heartbreak and the mourning as we watched our nation descend into this soulless, empty divide that had existed, but not been so blatantly encouraged. The soothing space between patriotism and homeland disintegrated to ashes, leaving us hopeless, wondering what was next. 

I said from the beginning that this pandemic reveals us. There was a message for every human and we weren’t getting it. Good and decent people held tightly to fear because they had nothing else to cling to amid the unpredictability that polarized them, while others turned their hearts outward, searching for someone to help, for ways to matter. Many people did what was asked of them and many others chose not to and all of it seemed to be a desperate cry to get through something that was not only unprecedented but so unforgiving in its casualties. And every single thing that has come afterwards has been woven into the fiber of who we are as a nation, a nation built on our character. The enemy became us. Our subcultures, our near and dear. Long time friends and families, people we thought we knew who could not only avert their eyes against the storm but refuse to acknowledge that it existed, were unrecognizable to us. All of this came crashing against our already aching, broken hearts. If we thought we were treading water by then, we couldn’t have been more wrong. Our grief continues to evolve, but the biggest by far, that supersedes even all those things we have lost, is what we have yet to lose. It is inescapably uncertain. 

I sat on the porch with a dear friend the other night and we spoke of the losses that have set the patterns of our grief. She represents everyone I know. She has had several moments of emotional lapses and finds herself rising again to get through another day, then wakes to experience deep sadness again, as though her peace and resolve never existed. Unpleasant feelings, especially the ones that come with the five stages of grief, represent a death within themselves. There is not one person I know that has not been affected by some or every part of what this year has presented us with, and for too many of those people there have been dire, permanent losses they may never come back from. Theirs is a very particular form of anguish, a present, painful reminder that we cannot always choose our circumstances, yet must live with the fallout. With the passing of our dreams, the loss of the future we thought we would have, the huge void left by a stagnant, persistent virus that illuminated all the brokenness of our society, all the crevices that we would fall through and never recover from, all the ways that we were different instead of the same, we found a strange sense of oneness. I don’t know many people whose hearts don’t break daily from the relentless storms, with how we have been exposed in all our humanity and all our ugliness. As this current climate angrily simmers, civil unrest continues without justice, and the pandemic lingers, turning time into a slow march, we find ourselves continually being pulled into new realities for what this means in our lives. This grief is not as devastating as the loss of a loved one but it is visceral and actual, and must be respected as such. 

As self-aware and centered as I am, I have found myself drowning in the emotions of this abyss more often than I’d like to count. My body has done the mourning, through physical pain and many days of heartache for the life I created and loved, feeling like a piece of me has been unceremoniously torn away, leaving only a gaping hole. At the same time, I have savored the opportunities that have come with the isolation, have cozied myself into the arms of solitude and discovered that my intuition is more keen than ever. My personal awakening has served to challenge my inner paradigms, and will forever change the way I show up in the world, for which I am thankful. My foray into unfamiliar emotional places and activism has created tumultuous shifts in my relationships that require my willingness to move forward without some of the people that I love the dearest. So I grieve that too. I, like many, have been peeling back layers of thick emotions, some that I’d rather not have it all, only to find myself exhausted yet stronger for it when I come up for air from these powerful currents. I’m not sure how to dive in, immerse myself completely and enjoy the swim, but I know I must if I am to thrive here. So I drink from the reservoirs of my resilience, and strive to hold sacred every part of this process. 

“We used to believe there was solid ground.” 

                                                                       Glennon Doyle

This may all appear to be something we are waiting to get through, but it isn’t. We have been offered a unique opportunity to recreate our own solid ground, to dissect what our values really mean, to reaffirm what we cherish, to question everything we knew until we are unwaveringly confident, within the darkest recesses of our soul, in our truth. We will only be able to do that by looking inward as deeply and fiercely as possible, by loving ourselves through every negative feeling we have and allowing it to make us more intensely rooted in our ability to cope. 

This, in its entirety, is our defining moment. We are being internally transcended. We are becoming. We will not move through this unscathed, and there is no ‘normal’ to return to. What we build, what we tear down, what we fight for, what we stay silent to, is laid bare for everyone to see. It is who we are.

The shock waves of loss are complex and I think it takes our breath away sometimes, the force with which this pulls us in. So we do the best we can. We create little pockets of a familiarity, with virtual celebrations, Zoom calls, intimate gatherings and reaching out in new ways. It is not the same yet it offers us refuge, connection, and desperately needed unity. 

Our collective grief is the unseen veil that shrouds each of us, through every single breath and moment in our lives, yet is so difficult to navigate, because we have never experienced anything like this. As we seek small miracles and simple pleasures to be grateful for, we must first honor what is happening, carve out space and invite the nuances and disquiet of unwanted side effects, listen and lean into them instead of being at constant war with what is a very real part of ourselves.  

Perhaps, we can hold to the belief that there is something bigger than ourselves at play here. That hidden beneath all this anger, loss, sadness and disarming dubiety, there lies something lovely, spiritual and hopeful, and as we unearth, then embrace the meaning, we will surrender to something new, becoming more beautiful, more gracious, more humane, more equipped to compel equality, acceptance and true kindness toward one another, with a newly held and deeper appreciation for those things that align with who we really want to be. 
        If not that, then our grief is in vain.