Coping

I’ve been writing more lately. And less too. I’m having a more difficult time organizing my thoughts. So all the words splash against the pages like a hurricane. As with any emotion that takes me from the present moment I’m in, I stay curious about what I’m feeling until it reveals itself to me. Turns out, sadness seems to be my companion lately, shadowing me through my daily activities in a state of thoughtfulness and pensive adagio. I try to smile through it, but it lingers and longs to be heard. Honored. I want it to go away. 

I woke this morning to the sound of rain, the lulling pitter-patter against my skylight beckoning me awake and into ruminating thought, my little ‘sad’ partner in crime still with me, like it had any right to be in my bed. I lay awake for some time then decided to put my warm feet against the chilly floor, drape in my soft robe and go downstairs to make coffee. In the quiet of the morning, dim, drizzled light coming through the glass doors, the aroma of caffeine wafting in the air, I turned to my computer, to release the spinning, whirling randomness that is keeping my mind busy. I sat, staring at a blank screen, wondering if I should be worried about this feeling and why I can’t seem to shake it. And then it hit me. I decided it’s not so bad to have this emotion, this passionate underpinning of hypersensitivity that allows me to be aware of what is going on in the world. To feel it as if it’s my own. To mourn, grieve, experience the losses that are not even happening to me.

                                                              I am an empath. 

For me, all of a sudden everything distant feels close to home and deeply personal. I can’t help but pay attention to and absorb the energy around me, so consequently I feel a lot of different emotional responses from people. It is simultaneously stressful and enlightening. It has heightened my sensitivity and awareness and requires me to manage my reactions. I strive to notice things without internalizing them as mine. It also reminds me to be more kind, generous and loving because I feel their pain, loss and struggle. 

It took me a long time to understand what it means to be an empath and how to channel that so it doesn’t knock me into a deep depression or exhaust me mentally. Staying grounded through difficult times is very important for me. Self-awareness is necessary so I can sort what is mine and what is not. I have grown into the idea that my energy and mood are palpable to other people and that can be difficult. When I am feeling joyful and carefree it is contagious to everyone around me, likewise when I am carrying any kind of sadness or pain it can be a source of weight and burden for them. I often want to be left alone until it passes, perhaps residual bullshit stemming from a childhood of constantly being told that my feelings weren’t allowed. Period. Those shades of shame have turned into light and color as I’ve grown. I am learning that my responsibility is to myself and how I manage that, and allow others to do the same. For the most part, I have found balance with this gift, something that doesn’t always fit in a world of cynicism. 

I no longer want this to go away. As I give it space inside of me I find a delicate, lovely zen. I am grateful that I have been able to feel this much during the pandemic. Not because I want the pain, but because I think what I surrender to keeps me open and humble, what I fight against keeps me stuck. As humans, we tend to resist negative feelings, viewing them as the enemy to our happiness. Too much tragedy and death can seem overwhelming, a current we swim against to protect our sanity. Yet in many ways it is my anchor, the very thing that keeps me sane, this bittersweet blending of my world and the rest of the world where I can gain perspective and even hope because there’s so much more happening than just the bad things. And the world is bigger than just me, my circumstances, my well being.

It is unusual that an empath is an extrovert but here I am! I have found a comfortable way to enhance my life with it. It was my guy who recently reminded me that perhaps it is affecting me more deeply right now because I have no social outlet for the flood of emotions running through me. I gather and release energy from other people. Laughter is a stress reliever, as is hugging. I have deliberately and with intention crafted a life I love with people who are beautiful, honest and authentic, easy to be around. As much as I love the opportunities I’m having in isolation, I am deeply missing those other parts of my life. Honestly, that hadn’t occurred to me on this level until he said it. It rings true to me. 

As I finish writing this, I look up. The rain has taken a pause, like our world. The light has shifted, peeking through the trees in my backyard creating this dance of uninhibited grace as it carries the branches on the breeze, droplets of water shimmering on the leaves in the sun’s golden rays. I feel renewed peace. In a world of uncertainty, all I have is what I choose to do with what I’ve been given, here and now. I will lean into these moments with a contemplative outlook, mindfulness, openness. I will seek ways to experience all my emotions, to give them all a safe home in me. Embrace. Enhance. 

Feed my soul with everything I am feeling.

I’m sitting on my porch swing. It’s early. Except for the birds trilling their usual lilting, melodic greeting, the morning is still, the air thick, sticky like butter with warmth, creamy color and humidity, the surrender to Spring in the air. It’s eerily hushed, as it often is in my little neighborhood, tucked away from the prying eyes of passers-by and traffic. It almost feels like any other morning. There is no Pandemic. No life altering virus that has changed the very fiber of our existence. 

Everything is almost. But not quite.

So what is it? And will life ever be the same?

That was a question posed to me by a dear friend as we contemplated the current emotional, economical and social implications of COVID-19. I think it is a question on the mind of everyone right now as we adjust to what we call ‘our new normal’, a clearly confusing path overgrown with misinformation, frightening realities, isolation orders, uncertainty, differing opinions, fear and panic. Businesses are closing, lay-offs are increasing by the minute, essential workers are putting their lives at risk on the front lines daily with limited protection. People we don’t know have become part of our virtual family as the numbers of infected and dying roll through the newsreel. This could be our neighbor. Our parent. Someone we infect without even knowing it. This could be us. We watch and wait. We wait some more. 

It’s scary and not just for the risks of the virus itself but for the shaky ground we now live on.

We miss our friends, our activities, gatherings of celebration, weddings, birthdays, graduations, the milestones that have become our bedrock, the centerpiece from which love and joy flow freely. The cultural experiences, art, music, laughter and interactions that connect and nurture us and the very things that offer us calm in a storm, a reminder of our human connection have dissipated, slowly, steadily, like glitter on the breeze. Familiarity, closeness, truths we can count on have become fragile, all when we need them the most. It is teetering and tenuous. We didn’t realize just how much it all mattered until it was gone. Gradually, and then…all gone.

Poof. Just like that.

So? Now what? Will life ever be the same?

I think about this a lot and I hope not.

I hope that as we are compelled to slow down and pay attention to how we socialize, mingle in common places, and how we spend our time isolating, that we will embrace and absorb that beautiful awareness of how other people are doing, of how we respond to our soul’s need for self care, and how we show up in the world. This world that we share and coexist in. More than ever this is an opportunity to soften and hold tightly to that concern that ever so tenderly rests upon our hearts and nudges us to put ourselves in another person’s situation and then follow that instinct to reach out, be kind, be mindful. 

There is little to protect us now that doesn’t require coming together with our collective awareness, involvement and cooperation. Every stressful moment reminds us to dig deeply and willingly give way from our comfort zone, practice selflessness and do what is necessary to fight this. It begs our attention. Our intention. 

While I have seen much panic, hoarding, fear and selfishness I have also witnessed such lovely gestures of humanity and altruism throughout this pandemic so far. People are creating alternatives for bringing friends together that honor the situation while cultivating and living in a space of gratitude. I am inspired daily by the people who are willing to put themselves at risk to take care of us, provide food, healthcare and simple conveniences that we would otherwise do without. There is a great deal to be thankful for and those are the things we must focus on if we are to navigate our way through this difficult time. None of us have done this before. It is deeply personal yet also very impersonal that it knows no age, race, gender or status. 

It is hard to imagine how this will look when it ends. If it ends. It’s likely to get worse before it gets better. But I’m a big optimistic enthusiast of hope and I cannot help but believe that some very beautiful, cleansing things will emerge from this for those of us who are willing to recognize it for the gifts it holds and allow it to shift our way of being. 

We’re all allowed to be and feel whatever we need to right now. Times of uncertainty call for that. We’re also allowed to still be grateful for what we can do and the new truths we can create.

For my part, aside from doing what I can to distance and isolate, I’m sharing my insights and throwing out some great big love and light for the world!

I was in Food Lion today. No list anymore, just an idea of what I need so I don’t get frustrated with empty shelves. Not many people were there, but the air was thick with tension. Someone had just been fighting. Over something stupid like toilet paper no doubt. The staff looked exhausted. As I went down each aisle I thanked every single employee that I could find. And as I left the store and passed the manager, I stopped and told her that I appreciated, beyond words, the war zone that they are working in right now. I told her that I always receive good customer service, that I understand that what is happening is not their fault. She just stopped and took a deep breath. And I thought she would cry. She thanked me and said that I had just made up for the last 10 people who were so angry and dissatisfied, she didn’t even know what to do. I couldn’t help but think of how much we take for granted. When we want milk, we go buy it. When we want meat, we go buy it. When we’re in the middle of fixing dinner and we run out of butter we send somebody to get it and they do. We. Are. Spoiled. And now it is time to be grateful. We’re all feeling the effects of this virus but there are so, so many facets going on that we do not even think about. And it’s time to think about it. It’s time to be grateful and thank every single person that gives us a service. Because they’re putting their lives at risk, while making ours easier. So they can get underpaid while strangers yell at them and take them for granted. 

I came home, put my groceries away and I cried. We are barely weeks into the crisis of this pandemic and if we don’t choose kindness now when will we?? Good grief, we’ve gotten so used to people doing things for us that we forget that we don’t have to go out and milk a cow or butcher a pig to eat dinner. In the meantime, these innocent people who are just doing their jobs are getting yelled at and treated like shit because we’re frustrated that there’s no toilet paper? I can’t. I just can’t see any of it and not feel affected by it.

These moments define us. So, who are we?!

In times of crisis and uncertainty, it will never be panic, fear or isolation that carries us through. It will be the coming together of minds for solutions, the continued support we share through generous hearts, the narrative we welcome with ideas, and the encouragement with which we approach living, especially for those who struggle in ways that we do not. As we are compelled to hunker down, avoid public socializing, in home gatherings, dining out and especially personal human contact such as hugging, those daily pleasures that feed our very souls and will be greatly missed, it is vital to our well being that we look for ways to stay connected and present with one another.

We are deeply concerned, somewhat confused, and often misinformed, with good reason. There is no road map as how best to navigate this unprecedented territory as the threat of life, livelihood and society as we know it is being threatened. As we prepare, I believe that peace and purpose can he found as we redirect our focus toward solidarity, leaning into the love of our community, understanding and seeking ways to do our part. Humanity will show us the way.

I LOVE Mr. Rogers and he always knew what to do. This is so relevant now….

“Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

Let us calm our hearts and be helpers, comforters, healers in a desperate hour. Because we need each other and I want ALL of you around for whatever happens next. 

So. Much. Love ♥️♥️♥️