(Author note, this post was written in the Fall of 2014 as I prepared myself for my cross country move from Idaho to North Carolina)
Bravery, courage, conviction…they come disguised in the mundane. The daily art of living that often requires the strength we didn’t know we had until we needed it, the fight we didn’t have in us until we used it, the sheer will to move forward because going backward just wasn’t an option. For me, Bravery is in the Boxes…as I carefully sort my belongings, some precious, some just accumulated over time, I find tears flowing, emotions stirring and the realization that my life will never look like this again. And it is liberating, empowering and heartbreaking all at once. I am stepping away from everything comfortable, everything I know, leaving my children and my grandchildren, who are my heart, and those friends that have surrounded me with nurturing belief and unwavering support. This is what it sounded like in my head, at warp speed, and with no rhyme or reason…
I had a moment…a meltdown moment…when I realized that at age 53, my entire life fits into boxes, several of them, but boxes still the same. Donation boxes, consignment boxes, take with me boxes and of course, throw away boxes. My kitchen gadgets that helped me create loving meals for my family, my artwork that spoke to me, but I will part with for lack of space, my photos, letters, articles I’ve collected, movies I love, trinkets, whatnots and other things that only mean something to me. My very sexy lingerie that I wore when I finally embraced my sensual self, my fabulous vintage winter coats, the teddy bear from my bestie that comforted me during recovery, the scrapbooking supplies that recounted my children’s early years, the pottery my daughters made that I couldn’t possibly choose from, the Christmas ornaments I have collected over time that I would be passing along to my children and leaving behind…So I cried, a lot, and then I cried some more.
But I know that putting my life into boxes completely opens me up…empowers me, frees me, gives me wings!
This shift is making a permanent change in the landscape of who I am.
And these are boxes of my choosing. Not those emotional ones that I have lived in for years that belonged to other people or religious and societal expectations.
When I pull out of my driveway in 5 weeks, car loaded to the top with whatever I have chosen most valuable, I will be leaving this part of my story and writing a new chapter in a life that has been blessed by virtue and failings, victory and defeat, passion and heartache. Every mistake, every amazing experience, every discovery will forever be part of the fabric of my life.
For all the things I have stepped away from, the door has opened for many more life changing opportunities, blessings and the absolute realization of the true nature of friendship, my capacity to love with passion, my rich and rare can-do attitude and that all the things I call home are here, in me, in my heart!
Even if I came back here, it would never look the same, and that’s bittersweet, because perspective should grow with experience, but that requires letting go. Grieving through to the next thing. The unknown. And that pain is why many people never do it.
So I take a deep breath and continue, sorting, sifting through memories, carefully laying out the remnants of my life.
Indeed, the Bravery is in the Boxes!