Apology or Guilt?

There are few things more comforting than a genuine, heartfelt apology when we have hurt someone or been on the receiving end of someone’s wrongdoing. We’re all human and it’s inevitable that we’re going to make mistakes. Saying “I’m sorry” with sincerity carries a lot of weight because it requires vulnerability and invites us to seek to understand how our actions affect that person. It is an exchange of honesty and accountability with a promise to do better so we don’t inflict that kind of pain again. In a healthy relationship, apologies are a necessary part of connecting, and in my opinion a sacred emotional space because when we’re dealing with another person’s wounds, that should never be taken lightly. By offering our commitment to grow we validate the importance of their feelings. 

In an unhealthy relationship, however, apologies are often used as a form of control and can be difficult to recognize if you have grown used to the familiarity of negative emotional indoctrination. This form of apology is prevalent and often repetitive with abusers, whether it be friends, partners or family members. 

An apology without change or reparation is simply a hollow gesture, a form of manipulation. 

Abusers, narcissists and manipulators have a very difficult time carrying guilt because they don’t like the idea that you might perceive them differently. They’re not willing to do the emotional heavy lifting to change their behavior and accept no real accountability, so they seek absolution as a way to dispose of their guilt. When their repeated empty apologies do not work they often use grand gestures, which are desperate acts of releasing their self imposed burden, designed to speak to the most compassionate part of your goodness. Therein lies the manipulation. That might sound harsh and it doesn’t make it less true. It’s easy to get lured into these actions because everyone wants an apology when they’ve been wronged. Especially if you once believed that this person loved you, and was incapable of hurting you in such a way.

Honey, don’t be fooled. When those same tired, meaningless string of words come disguised in a bouquet of flowers or gushy prose scribbled in a Hallmark card with no amends and no actual remorse, just remember, the offender is not sorry. They are guilty, and they’re just tired of hauling it around, so they lay it at your feet in the hopes that you will be grateful for anything they offer. You are not obliged to carry it for them. If you’re anything like me, you gave them chances, you had conversations with them explaining how harmful their behavior was and yet, it escalated until you knew you had to let them go entirely. You can confidently let that apology lie where they left it, step over it and move merrily on with your life. There are few things more toxic and destructive than allowing someone to sneak back into your circle of trust after presenting you with nothing but a disingenuous plea for forgiveness that they refuse to earn. If this is repeated behavior that never diminishes, make no mistake, they know what they’re doing. Those are patterns that deserve your attention. 

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the power of forgiveness. I learned a long time ago that apologies are not something I can hold out hope for, because sometimes they never come. As with any circumstance, I cannot attach myself to an outcome I have no control over. I alone am responsible for how I handle every situation and strive to remain true to myself and my integrity. That’s not always easy to do, trust me. I have forgiven some very dire offenses, including many depraved acts of abuse, knowing that otherwise I wouldn’t be able to move forward with my life in a healthy way. Holding onto pain, hate or grudges left no room for my growth and made me feel ugly inside. I wanted my life to be open and honest so forgiveness became an integral part of it for my own sanity, clarity and peace of mind. It is a practice that I work at. I also came to understand that forgiving someone doesn’t mean I have to let them back in my life. We can change our hearts toward someone’s actions without inviting their harmful patterns into our space or energy. Forgiveness and boundaries are not mutually exclusive. 

On my journey to this place of goodwill, I am still learning to see through what is an attempt of manipulation to regain my trust and what is an actual commitment to work on change and do the right thing. As an empath and a person who desires to be gracious I have had to teach myself to recognize the nuances of people’s actions. I’ve gotten it wrong so many times because I see the good in people first. It is so easy to want to believe that someone we love and care about has had a change of heart and really recognizes the damage they’ve done. Sadly, that is not always the case and we are left to pick up the pieces.

It’s a disappointment that cuts deep and because of it I’ve had to reframe my thinking so as not lose hope in humanity. I cannot let it break my heart. I believe that we can only meet people where they are willing to meet themselves. If I acknowledge that we are in different places and send them on their way with peace and light, I can focus my energy on my healing and growth. 

I have been at the receiving end of some very beautiful, humble apologies in my life, and I have also been the one to offer them. It is healing. There is no perfection in our humanness, but our willingness to be self-aware and develop compassion is a powerful revelation of our character and a foundation for a kinder world.