That Blue And Lonely Section Of Hell

I was having a difficult day yesterday and was aware of it so I thought I had a handle on it. My body was experiencing a lot of physical pain and I was emotionally vulnerable, so I was processing, identifying and talking myself through it. Then last night I snapped at my boyfriend when he tried to help me with something. Like, really snapped. It was careless and mean, and I am neither one of those things. At that point I was scrambling to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me! 

Earlier in the afternoon, I had randomly reached out to a friend and when I read her response this morning, I cried, because her reply mirrored exactly what I was experiencing, and suddenly it all came together. “Wavering many times daily between feeling fine or happy, to frustrated and sad.”  

Everything in me not only relates, but feels this deeply. To my core. I have a sadness that I cannot escape, not permanently anyway. Unfortunately, I have many friends who share these feelings. So this became the thing I wanted to talk about today.

It’s time to rethink depression. 

“No one can tell what goes on in between the person you were and the person you become. No one can chart that blue and lonely section of hell. There are no maps of the change. You just come out the other side. Or you don’t.”                  Stephen King

I was born an old soul and forged resilience through necessity, time and time again, from my childhood to now. In the process of survival, holding steadfast, letting go and doing whatever it took, I learned what I was made of. Somewhere between the innate joy, the fierce tenacity, the chronic illness, the love and zest for life, the empathic compassion, lies a profound depression, one that has taught me patience and courage. It was a natural byproduct of a stifled, abusive environment and constantly being told how to feel or rather, how NOT to feel. I had no map or blueprint for traveling through this ‘blue and lonely section of hell,’ but I didn’t let it take me and I won’t now. I could. I certainly would not say that I enjoy this gloomy shadow of mine. However, it has lent itself to the whole of me and added another dimension to my substance, my passion and my voice.  

As mutual friends began sharing their isolation and frustration with this topic, I noticed that as a society it’s not something we allow as part of an accepted narrative. For so many right now, regular depression is exacerbated by the upcoming seasonal change, the uncertainty and isolation of the pandemic, the anger from both the current political climate and violent civil unrest. It weighs heavy on the heart of those of us who feel things deeply. Then, of course, there are those tragic life things that keep coming at us no matter how much our depression takes from us…death, illness, money issues, etc. Yet, mental instability and mood disorders generally make people uncomfortable, unlike heart disease and diabetes that are readily accepted as the norm. Throughout history we have shown disdain and treated people with these conditions as disposable, even using it as a weapon of weakness or unworthiness against them. There is usually a sense of judgment about how people deal with and navigate their way through it. Our coping skills are silently, and sometimes not so silently, assessed by people who have never experienced it on any kind of real level and have no idea what it feels like, except for how it affects them. They want to give us simple answers, offer platitudes and tell us how to fix something that they have not done anything more than bear witness to. I do understand that it’s because they want to help, and I agree that there are many valuable ways, even aside from medication to nurture ourselves through this, but that’s for another post. There is no one-size-fits-all for depression, because depression looks different for each person, and careless responses can have the opposite effect. When we are not allowed to show all of ourselves to someone we trust, it may make us feel marginalized, to the point of withdrawal. That has a ripple effect which may cause us to confide in them less when we need their perspective, or their arm to hold while we find our way. That only adds to the weight, the loneliness and despair. 

If you love someone and you know that they are struggling, and doing the best they can, but you have no idea where they’re coming from, I imagine they would appreciate you taking their hand in yours, telling them that you’re there for them and asking what they need from you. Then be prepared for them to not be sure. None of this is personal. Honestly, sometimes it’s hard when I’m in the middle of a depressive swing that manifests as anger or frustration, for me to even recognize my own needs or behavior. Articulating myself during depression is very challenging, and my thoughts become overwhelmed by tears or confusion. It can be a burden for us, the depressed ones, to constantly teach other people how to deal with our mood disorders because our energy is so limited, but there is a very specific magic in being loved through it that builds a bridge to understanding for both sides. That is the common ground and gateway that can connect you to something you don’t personally experience. Also, there is endless availability for resources to help you if you know someone, but aren’t quite sure what to do next. 

Just as we would come together to learn about a physical illness the other one had, we can foster communication in our relationships, remove the stigma to engage in open conversations that invite uncomfortable feelings, creating safety and allowing honesty. 

If you’re at a point with your depression that you feel out of control, and you haven’t already, it’s time to seek professional help, knowing that it is just as vital for you as seeking a medical opinion for physical health issues. If your main frustration is that you feel like you are alone with this and you’re not sure where to put all these feelings, I want to offer you a place that is safe to say, I Am Not Okay. And I am whole. I am struggling. Yet I rise. I feel the shame. And I do not own it. I see the inner workings of all the pieces that create my existence, both cracked and pristine, and I embrace them. 

“She did not know if her gift came from the lord of light or of darkness, and now, finally finding that she didn’t care which, she was overcome with almost indescribable relief, as if a huge weight, long carried, had slipped from her shoulders.”  Stephen King

My evolution has brought me here. I know who I am, with fierce clarity and that every experience is woven into my soul. All things, including my passion and purpose flow from that sacred space. There is no good or bad to that, just things that I choose to grow through. I will continue to check myself for ways that will serve me to be a better person, especially when I have been mean or hurtful. And I will not apologize for the human condition that makes me exactly who I am.