The Least I Can Do

Disinfect all common areas, wash hands, disinfect, wash hands, don’t touch your face, disinfect, repeat. Mask and gloves as needed. Remind her to wash her hands. Again. 20 seconds feels like forever. Don’t touch your face. Gently remind her. Again. Keep at it. 20 seconds…

It’s just another day with my client. Cooking, cleaning, doing yard work, grocery shopping, driving her to appointments when things reopen. And because they haven’t yet, I do her nails and hair…until…

But most importantly, I am her companion. She seems to want more of my company lately, as though it cuts through the underlying fear of the pandemic. So I help her with a jigsaw puzzle that I completely lack skills for. We do number games, crosswords, watch movies and read. We talk about random things and spend a good deal of time laughing. 

She asks me questions now, with doubt in her eyes. “Do I need to worry?” “No,” I tell her. “We’ve got you.” And we do. Her combined group of caregivers includes me and three others. But I am also her friend, confidant, a constant in a stirring, chaotic world. Though in many ways she is sheltered from the magnitude of what is happening around her, she looks to me for reassurance. So I don’t have the luxury of anxiety or feeling panicked. Her well being is my responsibility, in as much as one can be responsible for that. My risks are her risks now, my energy will also be hers. I am accountable for what I project on her. If she sees uncertainty in my eyes then she will feel it too. 

In the most rudimentary, yet significant of ways, I am a bedrock for her. Her world has become small since her stroke, so when I am there, I am the one who creates and encourages the quality of life she will enjoy day to day.  

I find a balance between knowing what is necessary about our collective responsibilities and keeping her from the constant hateful backlash, economic losses and blatant ignorance that is spreading like wildfire. A sense of security and safety with the people that spend the most time with her, in a home that she’s used to living alone in, comes from our demeanor and the attitude with which we approach sheltering in place orders. We need to help her understand the situation, without overwhelming her or instilling any fear. I can’t let my personal feelings or concerns reflect in any way on how I do my job.

As I’ve pondered this, I am reminded again that every moment of every day I am choosing. I am deciding what thoughts I allow into my head about this global crisis and how it affects my mood. I am choosing how much space I’m willing to give to something negative, painful or difficult. It is solely my obligation as a human being to make sure that I’m living in my truth with as much integrity as I possibly can.

I don’t want to choose. I wish the government was handling things more effectively so there could at least be a partial win for everybody here. I would love to see businesses safely, slowly reopen, especially those mom and pop places that cannot endure this. I wish my daughters and their friends could get their jobs back but with a decent wage and an opportunity for healthcare. Wouldn’t it be lovely if children could go back to school and enjoy the camaraderie with their friends and beloved teachers who have been overworked and overtaxed through all of this, not to mention the parents? I’m acutely aware of the psychological and financial suffering that is happening around me and want it to come to an end. I would especially love to keep the most vulnerable of us safe, protected and valued, while moving forward to a kinder world. 

But those aren’t my choices. These are. To shelter, to socially distance, to avoid groups over 10 people, to wear a mask. Until there’s something better in place I have one job and it is to show up for my client with every precaution afforded me. The most effective way for me to do that is to check myself everyday. Am I doing what is best for the greater good, set in place by our Governor? Am I willing to put my personal needs aside for however long this takes, step into discomfort and live life without excess and petty wants, an act that many consider unfair and unconstitutional right now? Yes. A resounding yes! The fact is I am safe, warm and well-fed in a home surrounded by loving people who look out for me. I am making no real sacrifice by giving up dancing, dinners out, birthday parties, window shopping, days at the beach, roadtrippin’ or girl’s night at our favorite bar. I miss these things, especially my people, but am merely doing what is asked of me. So when I come to my job everyday and need to put my best foot forward for the sake of my client, it is not a matter of will I or won’t I. I just do. And if I can’t show up with full commitment to what the world is going through, and a spirit of generosity, I’d better step aside and take a long hard look at myself. 

As I’ve ridden the waves of emotions washing over me during all this, I’ve noticed some magic happening; that in doing this I have come face to face with my belief system. Sheltering in place, protecting myself for the sake of others, and doing every preventive thing possible to keep me and other people safe is merely the least I can do considering the goodness that I enjoy in this life. My freedom lies in the act of duty, my commission. Stepping back for a few months so medical professionals can tirelessly do their job. So scientists have time to get answers. So Mother Earth can speak her truth to us with the hope that we open our hearts and listen. I’m not afraid of losing my rights. I’m actually more worried what will happen if we don’t do this. It’s all we have for now.

And when I look in the beautiful face of a 76 years young woman with a hippie spirit and gorgeous silver hair, who trusts me and seeks comfort in my knowing, my complicity, my companionship, there is nothing else.