I’ve been writing more lately. And less too. I’m having a more difficult time organizing my thoughts. So all the words splash against the pages like a hurricane. As with any emotion that takes me from the present moment I’m in, I stay curious about what I’m feeling until it reveals itself to me. Turns out, sadness seems to be my companion lately, shadowing me through my daily activities in a state of thoughtfulness and pensive adagio. I try to smile through it, but it lingers and longs to be heard. Honored. I want it to go away.
I woke this morning to the sound of rain, the lulling pitter-patter against my skylight beckoning me awake and into ruminating thought, my little ‘sad’ partner in crime still with me, like it had any right to be in my bed. I lay awake for some time then decided to put my warm feet against the chilly floor, drape in my soft robe and go downstairs to make coffee. In the quiet of the morning, dim, drizzled light coming through the glass doors, the aroma of caffeine wafting in the air, I turned to my computer, to release the spinning, whirling randomness that is keeping my mind busy. I sat, staring at a blank screen, wondering if I should be worried about this feeling and why I can’t seem to shake it. And then it hit me. I decided it’s not so bad to have this emotion, this passionate underpinning of hypersensitivity that allows me to be aware of what is going on in the world. To feel it as if it’s my own. To mourn, grieve, experience the losses that are not even happening to me.
I am an empath.
For me, all of a sudden everything distant feels close to home and deeply personal. I can’t help but pay attention to and absorb the energy around me, so consequently I feel a lot of different emotional responses from people. It is simultaneously stressful and enlightening. It has heightened my sensitivity and awareness and requires me to manage my reactions. I strive to notice things without internalizing them as mine. It also reminds me to be more kind, generous and loving because I feel their pain, loss and struggle.
It took me a long time to understand what it means to be an empath and how to channel that so it doesn’t knock me into a deep depression or exhaust me mentally. Staying grounded through difficult times is very important for me. Self-awareness is necessary so I can sort what is mine and what is not. I have grown into the idea that my energy and mood are palpable to other people and that can be difficult. When I am feeling joyful and carefree it is contagious to everyone around me, likewise when I am carrying any kind of sadness or pain it can be a source of weight and burden for them. I often want to be left alone until it passes, perhaps residual bullshit stemming from a childhood of constantly being told that my feelings weren’t allowed. Period. Those shades of shame have turned into light and color as I’ve grown. I am learning that my responsibility is to myself and how I manage that, and allow others to do the same. For the most part, I have found balance with this gift, something that doesn’t always fit in a world of cynicism.
I no longer want this to go away. As I give it space inside of me I find a delicate, lovely zen. I am grateful that I have been able to feel this much during the pandemic. Not because I want the pain, but because I think what I surrender to keeps me open and humble, what I fight against keeps me stuck. As humans, we tend to resist negative feelings, viewing them as the enemy to our happiness. Too much tragedy and death can seem overwhelming, a current we swim against to protect our sanity. Yet in many ways it is my anchor, the very thing that keeps me sane, this bittersweet blending of my world and the rest of the world where I can gain perspective and even hope because there’s so much more happening than just the bad things. And the world is bigger than just me, my circumstances, my well being.
It is unusual that an empath is an extrovert but here I am! I have found a comfortable way to enhance my life with it. It was my guy who recently reminded me that perhaps it is affecting me more deeply right now because I have no social outlet for the flood of emotions running through me. I gather and release energy from other people. Laughter is a stress reliever, as is hugging. I have deliberately and with intention crafted a life I love with people who are beautiful, honest and authentic, easy to be around. As much as I love the opportunities I’m having in isolation, I am deeply missing those other parts of my life. Honestly, that hadn’t occurred to me on this level until he said it. It rings true to me.
As I finish writing this, I look up. The rain has taken a pause, like our world. The light has shifted, peeking through the trees in my backyard creating this dance of uninhibited grace as it carries the branches on the breeze, droplets of water shimmering on the leaves in the sun’s golden rays. I feel renewed peace. In a world of uncertainty, all I have is what I choose to do with what I’ve been given, here and now. I will lean into these moments with a contemplative outlook, mindfulness, openness. I will seek ways to experience all my emotions, to give them all a safe home in me. Embrace. Enhance.
Feed my soul with everything I am feeling.
Surrender as humility. This is powerful to me. Thank you. Have you read ‘Big Magic’? I’d love to know your thoughts about it. Thank you so much for sharing.
Good morning Jennifer, I apologize for taking so long to respond. Thank you for your feedback. I did read Big Magic and I refer to it often, savoring some new meaning each time. I have loved Liz’s writing and insights for a long time. She inspired me to be ‘curious’ about life, more acceptance equating to less suffering. That changed my life. I have to say when I first read Big Magic I was in an unhappy life situation and my writing had stalled. Because of my own head space I felt like her message was that if I waited too long to share my creativity, someone else would because the purpose of these gifts wouldn’t be halted. The universe needed someone to carry them forward. It was discouraging because I didn’t know how to move through my own bullshit at the time. Consequently, I put the book away for a long time to ease my own guilt. Once I was ready, I opened the pages again to find beautiful inspiration about my unique gift, and bask in her glorious vulnerability as she fought personal demons. Her honesty about her own struggles gave me permission to embrace mine. It is our humanness that connects us. Thank you for reading and taking time to share your insights. I appreciate you.
This is a stunning piece, love!
I identified with much of it & am thankful you are here to help put things into words for the rest of us.. That is SO needed right now.
Thank you so much love. I am very happy this resonates. You and I have always found strength and inspiration in each other and we certainly understand the struggles we face. As always, you encourage me forward. Peace and safety to you.
My friend, I love your ability to fairly quickly cut through the veil of muck and get to the root of the uneasiness you are feeling. Your open acceptance of your true feelings and your allowing yourself the time to work through them is so important for people to hear right now. Also, I love the fact that you are not opposed to others’ observances of you. That takes humility, and humility is not always easy.
Your pieces always help me to look inward and sorta figure some shit out for myself…so for that, I am very grateful. Sadness has been my uninvited guest lately as well. I’ll be so happy when it decides it’s time to pack up and leave. PEACE! 💗
My dear friend, your words are beautiful and humbling. My heart is full, thank you. I know this is a difficult and confusing time and I believe it is vital for us to reveal ourselves, demons and all. It clears the path for others. It is the tie that binds us as humans. “Sadness has been my uninvited guest”….so articulate and emotional. Make friends with that feeling my dear, invite it in, that’s why it’s there. Let it inform you, teach you what it needs from you. It doesn’t diminish your goodness or generosity that you are struggling right now. Everyone I know is, and we are all more than one emotion or feeling. You are courageous and strong and nothing will take that away. These circumstances show us our layers, complexities, the very qualities that make us unique and real. I love you and I am grateful my words can be of comfort to you. You are always home to me.
Hello, Dear, Precious, Renee,
I have just started to read your notes. I too, am an Extroverted Empath. This hit me literally in my gut. Today, (go to my page and unfortunately, you’ll see my struggle) I had a bit of an emotional breakdown on FB. Not my first breakdown mind you but, on FB. Ugh. I have horrible migraines. Part of childhood abuse and PTSD, side effects from 3 strokes and my inability to cope with stress and emotional pain. Under the surface, there’s a well of emotion that threatens to erupt once again in my aloneness. A horrible migraine threatening, just under the surface. I have been alone for 5 weeks now. No family, no friends. I have painfully learned during this time that I have absolutely no True Blue friends that even though they know of my “aloneness” have checked on me. Regardless, I have reached out to them and expressed my difficulty as well as inquiring on how they’re managing. It’s been a painful realization that the care hasn’t been reciprocated. I shared all of this extra info simply perhaps because I needed the release, lol, but also to thank you for reminding me to focus on and recenter how I am feeling. Breathe and think before I react. I momentarily forgot. Thank you, Dear Friend. Libby
Sweet Libby, what a lovely surprise to hear from you. I am so sorry you are going through this struggle. It is a very challenging time in the world right and much more so for those who are alone. I saw your FB post but I felt that you were completely entitled to speak as honestly as you did. When people identify with a label and then live against the very ideals they stand for, we are absolutely within our rights to call out their behavior. That’s not judgement, it’s holding them accountable. And as much I hate to say this, you may have to use this time to reevaluate your circle of friends. I have been in that position. It is painful, often heartbreaking but ultimately necessary for our well being. I see from your aura and the vibration you exude that you are intuitive. Perhaps your migraines are trying to offer you clues about what your heart really wants. I only say this from experience and only as a suggestion. I’ve learned to listen to what feelings my body is manifesting through my pain. What we deal with is very real and also very connected to our stress and experiences. I have learned that if I resist what is happening it persists, but if I honor it, hold it with respect and let it teach me, my emotions and symptoms can be great indicators. Truth tellers. It can uncomfortable but very enlightening. I am glad my words resonate with you and I appreciate your courage in sharing your story with me. There is power in that. If you need someone to connect with please reach out to me. There’s no need for you to feel alone. I can PM my # through FB messenger. If it’s helpful we could find a couple minutes weekly to touch base. Sometimes a human voice is all the connection we need to get us through. Again, thank you for your kind words and taking the time to comment. Stay safe and be well.